Twitter just scared me. A lot.

So okay, yeah, I know...it's TMI Thursday. And you should really go look at LiLu's TMI Thursday Post Secret blahbadies. Like now. I'll wait.

I actually did have a TMI story all ready to write up today, but...then I decided to search for something on Twitter. And my mind has been blown. In a bad way.

Shot through the brain! And you're to blame. Twitter, you give the English Language a bad name.

Okay, I think I'm done with my Bon Jovi moment of the morning.

I've been thinking to myself (because really who else hears me when I think?), "Self, there must be a better way to googly chat on your phone than this really stupid Google Talk application that shuts off every time you close the window. I mean, people out there are clever. They must have come up with something."

And then Jenn over at You'll Grow to Love Me (WHAT? You're not reading her stuff? GO READ IT NOW. I'll wait...again.) tweeted a little somethin' somethin' about downloading an application called BeeJive. Hmmmm...

Then I promptly forgot all about it.

This morning, I remembered and looked to Twitter for advice. None was forthcoming, so I typed "BeeJive" into the search box.

Such a bad idea.

Here are some of the profiles that caught my eye:

ThaNiggaD

Favorite Tweet: Its crazy when u sellin drugs @ a yung age but u doin it n the wrong way! U gotta kno 2 hand off the right way!wtf I seen ur whole exchange

JAZZY_C0UTURE

Favorite Tweet: #twitterafterdark get me open while im cummin down ya throat and! U wna b my main squeeze nigga? dnt ya? Ya wanna lick btween my knees niqqa

DreyDayBaby

Favorite Tweet: @[some other twitterer] oh yea I feel u .. Your a junior rite? I'm at my cuzins job christmas party deep in da bx sumwhere lol

Patticakez

Favorite Tweet: #sidechickawareness you call him and he talking to you like u 1 of his boys then says aight my nigga ima call u later and hangs up lmfao

And my PERSONAL FAVORITE - Swaggz9mg

Favorite Tweet: Dis new ubertwitter app is iight I cud fuck wit it

I love that last guy because between all the horrid spelling and bizarre sentence structure, there's this tweet: Work is dead right now surprisingly.

That one tweet gives me hope that people actually DO know how to spell and make sentences. And then crashes me back to the ground when I realize that this means that they're just CHOOSING not to bother.

Sad Panda.

In other news, I think I'm going to go ahead and download BeeJive.

I just can't leave this one alone.

One of my most awesomest girlfriends, generally referred to as "Pretty Bitch," wrote a blog on Friday, which I just came across today. I have some things to say about it.

And we all know I'm never one to keep my mouth shut, right?

So go read her blog and then come back here, m'kay? GO!

Basically, Nat holds a When Harry Met Sally belief about the relationships that can happen between members of the opposite sex. That men and women can never really be "just friends." While I think she makes some very good points, and I agree that the whole situation can be sticky, I have a slightly different opinion.

I might agree 100%, if I hadn't seen a male-female friendship with my own two eyes. My ex-boyfriend and his friend/coworker were/are FRIENDS. And only that. When they started working together, they were both married. Her marriage ended first, and she was...a bit of a mess (for good reason). His marriage ended a couple of years later and no one would know if he was a mess or not because he doesn't show emotions like a human being. But there were opportunities for them to test the boundaries of their relationship and neither of them even wanted to. Simply put, they're not attracted to each other.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I'm being naive and they were probably doin' it like monkeys behind my back. But they weren't. I can't say I know that for a fact, but I've never for a second doubted it. She met a guy and now they're married. My ex is living with his current girlfriend. And my ex and his friend have never even looked sideways at each other in that way, to my knowledge.

If they were the last people on earth, would they do it? Probably. But that's not really saying much.

While I do think that male-female friendships can complicate and put pressure on an intimate relationship, I think that's about more than just "men and women can't be friends." Your relationships are all based on trust, or should be, if they mean anything. And not trusting your partner to be able to have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex is just...sad. And more likely a problem with your relationship, not with your friendships.

Additionally, I have several male friends of my own who are just that. Friends. I could turn to these guys for just about anything, and I would be there for them in the same way. And no one wants to make the sex with anyone else, or if they do, all parties are keeping their pretty parts in their pants.

I'm not sure that I agree that a fleeting thought about another person naked or what it might be like to kiss that person constitutes awkwardness in a friendship (Honestly, I've contemplated this about nearly everyone I know...family members aside). Hell, once I had a sexy dream about one of my girlfriends and we've survived just fine. Though she was more than a little disturbed when I told her about it, as she's the least bi-curious person on the planet.

The statement "Cheating is anything that dilutes the relationship" just...makes no sense to me. Gaining 150 pounds could dilute the relationship. Taking up a hobby and spending all your free time on it could dilute the relationship. Having to travel five days a week for work could dilute the relationship. All of those things are probably signs that something is wrong, but not a single one of them involves a third party. I would hardly call them cheating. I think I know what Natalie was trying to say (that anything you do with a member of the opposite sex that dilutes the relationship is cheating), and I respect her opinion, but I don't think this is the best way to say it.

In truth, if you're closer to a same sex friend to a level that leaves out your significant other, you're probably diluting the relationship and treating your boy/girlfriend unfairly, but it's rare to hear anyone get worked up about that.

I think that men and women can absolutely just be friends. And that it's perfectly acceptable to retain close friendships to members of either sex while you're in a serious relationship. Don't be stupid about it. Your significant other should probably be your closest relationship, if you're serious about it and it's gotten to that stage. But it doesn't mean that it's unhealthy or wrong to have close friendships. Period.

What do you think? Is this possible?

(I took a poll of some online friends. It seems that most men think this is totally possible and most women think that it's not. Obviously, there were a few exceptions and a couple of "maybe" or "in the right circumstances" answers, as well.)

A lesson in what not to do. And an awesome time at #pbandtuna.

So this weekend, the fabulous M and I put our asses on a plane to fly to DC for LiLu and Maxie's wedding, AKA #pbandtuna.

There are some obvious logistical and practical problems with this plan. Mainly that we spent a total of 12 hours on planes to go to a party for less than half that amount of time.

TOTALLY WORTH IT.

If you'd like to read about the ticket purchase, please click here. It was a bit of a disaster.


We managed to get to the airport at 5:45 AM and get on our 6:45 AM flight. We were more than a little giggly, but we soon PASSED THE FUCK OUT. We slept so much that we didn't realize that the flight was actually over two hours long.

Once we finally made it to DC, M headed off with LateNight Drama Queen to have lunch with her Grams in Baltimore, while I was picked up by the lovely PQ and we went to snuggle the faces of GingerMandy and Just a Girl (and JP, of course).

I? Was in blogger heaven.

What no one bothered to mention is that people in DC don't stay home on the weekends. They drive. IN MY WAY. We sat in so much traffic, I was sort of concerned that my ass was going to permanently attach to PQ's front seat. Why weren't these people home having sex?!? Having said that, I've never had so much fun in a car, sitting in traffic.

And then it was finally time to go to #pbandtuna!

I would list all the lovelies I met, but...well, I was a little too drunk to remember. But I will say this: LiLu (and B), Maxie, Alexa, Lexa, Rachel, Alice, Just A Girl, GingerMandy, PQ, JP, Matt, Katie, Restaurant Refugee, fB, katierose, LateNight Drama Queen, and too many more to name. You guys are all amazing.

I can't even tell you what happened because...what the fuck happened? A bunch of awesome, that's what.

The worst decision? To fly home with a massive, angry hangover. On two planes with screaming children. I almost died. Scratch that. Children almost died. And I know exactly what I'm breaking up with this Friday. I'm looking at you kids on airplanes.

I don't want to hear it. Hell, I don't even want to see it. But yes, I did it.

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

When I was on the drugs a couple of weeks ago, I might have decided it would be a good idea to record a video of myself.

Now, it's my wedding gift to LiLu and Maxie.

It's disturbing on more levels than one. Good luck.

Wednesday Wipeouts

First let me say this: I'm also helping Jeff over at This is Why Your Hold Time is So Long today. He asked me to come up with the rules of etiquette for the ladies' room. So yeah, you heard it right: Jeff and I put our brains together to give you a list of bathroom rules. I'm scared, too.

~~~~oOo~~~~

I'm not sure how much longer Wednesday Wipeouts will last, so enjoy 'em while you get 'em.

I particularly enjoyed this message. It came to me from a man with "daddy" in his profile name. And no picture.

Subject: hey there

5 10 160lbs (32" waist) athletic 45yo (eek!!). Clean, ddf and safe, (still married tho separate bedrooms 8 yrs now and an open marriage) courteous :o) non smoking, (though I don't care if you do) open minded, fun English guy (you'll love the accent) living in [you don't need to know], just north of [somewhere] and south of [somewhere else], looking for a mature, longterm, exclusive friend I can spoil, exclusive and hopefully permanently
All the info you need to contact me is here.
Please get in touch if your interested in me despite my dysfunctional life, send a email here or hotmail and I will get in touch.add me on yahoo messenger as [is it bad that I kind of wanted to leave this one in here?]
meet me - u might even like me! lol
I'd love to take you to lunch/dinner/coffee w/e you're more comfortable with. Sometimes older is better :o)
lets exchange some pics if ur interested and open minded enough and then maybe we can meet for coffee
[name]
Hope you have a great weekend!
[phone number] I will ALWAYS reply - if you dont receive one please resend as my cell was prolly powered off :o)
I'm sorry if my email freaks you out - but I simply want to be totally honest and up front from the get go

I know. It's shocking I didn't call him, right?

Also, my dearest Gofahne had me in stitches with tale of a horrible date. While I wish I could share it with you here today, alas, she has to write about it herself. And she's still...traumatized. Let's just say the words "I love my penis" (completely out of the blue) were the highlight of the evening. Well, I mean, aside from it being over.

This is how you found my blog?

I try not to obsessively check my blog stats. Because I don't care if anyone is reading or not (yeah...right...), of course. Yesterday, though, I happened to notice that people were arriving at my blog through some interesting google searches (though none anywhere near as awesome as those of Mr. Johnny Virgil).

For obvious reasons, if you google a question about poo, you're probably going to end up here. These were my favorite poo searches:

1. morning poo
I'm so glad someone searched for this. Good to know that the morning poo isn't just a problem in my office. Whoever you are, here's my two cents: the morning poo cannot be stopped. Also, men's asses are a home for vile, dead, smelly shit.

2. "i can't poo"
I'd suggest one of those over-the-counter constipation medications. You can get them at the grocery store. And eating less cheese. But who wants to eat less cheese? Just call me Dr. Shine!

3. men who have poo
Is this some sort of fetish thing? Because gross. If it's just a question, yes. All men have poo.

Then, there are the requisite pee searches:

1. my sweet relief had to pee
I'm not sure, but I think this is a country music song. Also, I've been there...

2. had to pee
Why are you googling this, asshole? Go pee. Is it more complicated than I think?

3. peeper cam peeps while peeing dude pees
This is my personal favorite. Who googles this? I bet you were really disappointed when you ended up here. But I'll set up a peeper cam for next time. LiLu, I'm watching you...sorry, but you talk about pee the most. It's only fair.

It seems people are frequently visiting me for "How-to" advice:

1. how to talk to a guy you first meet
Step one, think of something to say. Step two, open your mouth and let the words fall out. Step three, try not to sound like an idiot. Or an asshole.

2. how to attract a christian boy who just got dumped
I have great advice for this one. Why would you want to? Don't. My grandparents are proof that (at least some) Christians are a little wacky...

3. how to make my 5 year old sister shut up
This, my friend, is not an easy task. The problem is, it's very easy to get in trouble with the authorities...or your parents. I have no idea how old you are. You could try duct tape over her mouth, but most five-year-olds are wise to that game, and will just pull it off. Kind of like that scene in Four Rooms with the ointment on the eyes. Just go watch the movie and come back. I wouldn't suggest hiding a dead hooker under the mattress. That didn't really get those kids to shut up. Maybe you should try putting on a Disney movie or something. I hear kids like those. I went through the same thing with my sister.

4. how to put on a girdle
Very very carefully. Also, don't. Seriously, screw those people who say you need one.

5. how to expose yourself to a minor
I'm really curious as to how this one got you here. I don't think I've ever exposed myself to a minor. On purpose. There were a couple of times at the beach in Mexico last year when my swimsuit...well, I didn't do it on purpose. Please, sir (or madam, I'm not sexist), don't expose yourself to any minors. I believe the children are our future (even if they're getting dumber everyday). Oh, I may not have been a minor, but I did have a similar experience.

6. how to make clothing out of crown royal bags
Interesting. I'm guessing this has something to do with a sewing machine and as I'm deathly (irrationally) afraid of those, I'm going to suggest you go back to google for this one.

7. how to meet boys.
Okay, pay attention here, because this is really complicated. Ready? Leave your house. Get out and do things. Oh, and it helps if you have a personality. Please watch out for the crazies.

8. should i date her because i can
I don't even know what this means. But probably not.

There was one question I'd really like to address: is shine out of jail? And the answer is...no. I'm still in the big house. For exposing myself to a minor. I keed! I've never even been in jail. But I have bailed quite a few friends out of Mexican jail.

We're pretty much down to just random crap now:

yogurt eating methods
YOU EAT YOGURT WITH A SPOON. What the hell is wrong with you people?

boy fuck mom blogspot
I'm worried that this might have been an actual effort to find my blog. Because of, you know, the story about Motorboater.

"krusty's summer sauce camp" singles
I can't even begin to explain this. Is this the thing The Clevelanders were talking about? How did that land someone here? Also, summer sauce camp sounds kinda fun. Can I go next year?

does hellboy drink tecate light
Well, actually, Hellboy and I are really good friends and I will tell you that I would spank him if I ever caught him drinking Tecate Light. He's scared of me, you know. Because I'm hard core. Hellboy only drinks manly beer.

horny 30 year old milfs
Yes, please. I'm not sure how it led you here, but I hope you brought your own milfs. Because this vagina has not birthed any children. But I have experienced breastfeeding.

want to see the sexy nighty inn which boobs are come out
I can tell you without a doubt that you will never see this in person (unless you pay for it) unless you learn to spell and speak proper English. Unless you're not from America. In which case, I'm a douchebag. Don't be a fool. Stay in school. (Words of wisdom from Van Wilder.)

what makes you keep your penis up
Wow. Actually, it's a dilation of blood vessels in your actual penis caused my stimulation, whether it be touch or visual (or this guy's weird contraption). I didn't even look that up. This is the first time I've used that biology degree since college! In other news, drinking can have adverse affects on your penis's ability to stay up (also your balance). I should know, I dated an alcoholic for a year and a half.

sabrina is guilty because she ate blueberry pie!
What?

lisa frank shirt
It's not a T-shirt yet, but I've had many requests to make it one!

And now, for my two favorites:

punctuation pictures penis
What the hell does this mean and why would you google it? Also, way to research punctuation, people! I'm proud. Even if you did have to add penis to it.

i licked my sister breast brother and sister sex confession
I have no idea how this got you here, but I have to ask...WTF? Really? You want to see that? I mean, I can understand if it were two sisters maybe, but are we really that excited about incest these days? Gross, people. Gross.

My very first award. And I got it twice!

Jeff, over at This is Why You're Hold Time is so Long, and Mysterg, over at Meditations in an Emergency, have both seen fit to give me an award!

I'd like to thank my fingers. Without you, this never would have been possible. You guys type like some bad ass bitches. I love you.

The award I've received is...The Honest Scrap Award.



Which is weird because I make all this shit up. I've basically been lying to all of you this whole time. Actually, I'm not even from this planet.

(Okay, okay. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. It's just too weird. And all of it has happened to me.)

They both seem to have different opinions of what one must do when one receives this award, so I'm going to do whatever I want.

According to Jeff: "The onus is on me to award this to three blogs, and they're to link back, thereby supplying the interwebs with more things to read on slow work days."

According to Mysterg, the rules are as follows:

1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared!
2. The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.
3. The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.
4. Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.
5. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them.

Since everyone I know has already received this award, I'm going to go out searching for new bloggers and I'll let you know what I come up with in a later post. Or I'll forget all about this and be a lazy bitch. Please start taking bets now.

I do think it's fun to tell 10 true things about myself, though coming up with 10 things I haven't already spilled will be an interesting endeavor. And away we go!

1. I convinced myself I was allergic to bell peppers and told everyone in my life this was the case, when really I just don't like them. I don't think it's possible to be allergic to some peppers and not others, but I'm not sure.

2. I stopped believing in Christianity when I was about 10-years-old. Now I'm an atheist.

3. I am really helpful. Almost to a fault. Hence, the nickels.

4. I once sort of...stole a friend's boyfriend. And I still relish in it. She was kind of a bitch.

5. I have never smoked a cigarette, but I love a good cigar. And not in the Clinton way, you pervs.

6. When I was 15 or 16, I walked into a donkey show in Mexico. I promise to elaborate on this on a TMI Thursday sometime, but I don't promise it will be here.

7. If there's dancing in it, I will watch it. With the exception of Mama Mia! Sorry, I just can't get on board with that one. But So You Think You Can Dance, America's Best Dance Crew, Dancing with the Stars, Center Stage, Step Up, Stomp the Yard, Dirty Dancing. I've seen them all. Except that Dance Your Ass Off show, that's where I draw the line. I saw a clip on The Soup and it scared the crap out of me.

8. I am a complete wuss about pain. Even though I really want to get a tattoo, I probably never will because I'm scared of how much it will hurt.

9. I would usually rather stay home and watch zombie movies and eat ice cream than go out, but usually I go out anyway.

10. I kissed a girl and I liked it. Oh, that was Katy Perry's thing (I can neither confirm nor deny whether this is true for me). Sometimes I drink the olive juice from the green olive jar.

11. I hate email forwards more than mosquitoes. And I probably think less of you for sending me one. Unless it was in jest or to make fun of people.

12. Men who cannot spell are far less attractive to me than men who can spell. Regardless of actual looks.

13. I'm allergic to latex. How fun!

I decided to go with a baker's dozen, since there were two sets of rules anyway.

And for your first new blogger (and you guys thought I wasn't going to send you to anyone!), please go check out Graygrrrl at The Art of Throwing Stones. I know her in real life and she is one of the funniest, most confident, no bullshit people I've ever known. I'm a little scared of her, actually. Please don't tell her you don't like Twilight. She will beat your ass (but I still don't get it). I'll let her choose the rules she'd like to follow (though I tend to lean toward the ones with numbers being legit).

Care Burden, y'all.

As proof that I have the best readers in the whole world, today's blog is brought to you by Jeff over at This is Why Your Hold Time is so Long. If you haven't read his stuff, go check him out. I feel more and more sorry for him everyday (because his job sucks, people).

Yesterday's blog inspired him so much, that he wrote an entire song and sent me the lyrics. Without further ado, I give you:

"Care Burden" by Angsty Mötorboat

I want to be with you, know you, own you
I want to like you, love you, be near you.
My soul is beautiful and I want you to see
I want you and want you to want me

I pretended to be normal when we first met
This is how I entangled you into my net
Now that you're trapped and kinda into me
I'm opening the floodgates of insecure insanity

(Chorus)
So I'm sending you text mesages
and calling your phone
I'm not gonna give you
five minutes alone
If you don't answer
and if you don't share
I'm really very sorry
to burden you with my care

[sad and mellow guitar riff, which emphasizes the soulpain and angst]

I feel so rejected and I'm brimming with hate
It's only been a week, but you were my soulmate
How dare you destroy all the plans that I had
You make all my feelings turn scary and sad

Where will I find another woman like you?
I'm not believing it, we're not through
You're one in a million, clearly the best
Mainly because I've scared off all the rest

(chorus)

(Author's note: I'm not sure how to end this song, but I'm pretty
certain the singer devolves into screams and mumbling bordeline
psychotic phrases like "I made a doll that looks like you" and "I
watch you without you knowing")


What can I say Shine, it's a slow day at work.

Jeff

UPDATE: Cheese hears this to a punked up version of the Free Credit Report song. I concur. Who's going to make that happen (I have no musical talent, aside from the occasional karaoke)? Jeff is on board with this plan.

It's the end of the world as we know it and frankly I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Oh goody. Not only did one of my coworkers find me on Twitter and therefore start reading my blog (sorry, but it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with that at work), now my step-dad has found my blog. Which means, apparently, even though I told him that I didn't want him to read it because it wasn't really for family and I was uncomfortable enough with the thought of my aunt reading it, that he's reading it. AND SHARING WITH MY MOTHER.

I'm not sure there are words to describe the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you tell your mom about falling in the shower and she says, "Yeah, I heard there are pictures of it on the internet."

Oh. Crap.

If someone would like to share the link with my grandparents, now would be the time to do it. Oh, and while you're at it, go ahead and tell them I'm an atheist. My Nana's heart-attack is on your head.

I don't know what to do here, folks.

Part of me wants to just scrap it all and start over in some little anonymous hole where no one I know can find me. That's just sad because part of the fun of all of this was sharing it with some of my friends. But now I feel so claustrophobic and censored.

The other part of me wants to say a loud "FUCK YOU" and just keep writing without giving a damn what anyone thinks. Except that this is my MOM we're talking about, yo. We're only just starting to have a relationship. We don't have one of those tell each other everything without judgment kind of things. At all.

This blog is my home. I want to feel comfortable here. My heart is pressed between these internet pages. I put it out there for anyone to read, and I didn't hide it very well, but my parents are a little more audience than I would have chosen.

I'm aware that no one really cares and that life will go on whether I write or not, but I love this blog. I love that it is 100% me. I love the people who read and comment and share their stories. I've made friends. I've laughed and cried and thrown up in my mouth a little at all of your stories.

But this is my MOM we're talking about. Help!

The thing about blogging.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with Grief and he asked, "so is blogging an honest form of self-expression, or is it just another form of narcissism?"

My answer? Probably a little bit of both.

Blogging, to me, is like...a social diary. Mostly, I just write about ridiculous crap that I can share with random strangers on the internets. But sometimes, sometimes, I can write something true and personal. It's amazing how people I barely know will come and share their own experiences. Or just tell me that I'm not crazy or alone. And if someone else comes across my blog, and that person is going through the same thing, maybe he or she won't feel so alone.

Yes, I like to think I'm entertaining. Yes, it makes me feel good to think that people I don't know read my blog and enjoy it. Yes, I like the attention or whatever.

But that's not why I blog. I love to write. My blog was kind of a challenge for myself. To see if I could produce something worth reading. Regularly. Some posts are certainly better than others. But I try to bring something new to the table every weekday, may it suck or not. (Seriously, sorry about the sucky posts, guys.)

I'm kind of proud of my little blog. (Narcissism alert!)

Putting my personal stuff out there doesn't really freak me out. My mom asked me a few weeks ago, "But aren't you worried about what people will think of you?" And you know? I'm really not. This is me, for better or worse. This blog is who I am. And if you know me, you know that's true. Why would I be worried about what people will think of me if I'm just being myself? If someone chooses not to like me because of things they've read on my blog...well, I'm okay with that.

Blogging can be a lot of work, though. If you want people to read your blog, you have to read their blogs. So you read and comment and read and comment and write and read and comment and comment and write. It takes time. I can see how easy it would be for it to feel like a chore. And once it does, once it's no longer fun, what's the point? That can only mean one thing...

Blog Break.

And with bloggers sort of...dropping like flies right now, I was just wondering. If you have a blog, what does it mean to you? If you don't have a blog, why not?

In which Maxie rocks your face off.

So, okay, I haven't actually watched this yet because my boss is here and thus I can have no sound.

But I hear it's awesome.

Maxie, over at i hate so much, has written, directed, produced, and starred in this cover of Lady Ga-Ga's Pokerface. Which, actually, I don't think I've ever heard.

Spread it around!



UPDATE: I have watched. I have laughed. I have been in awe.