26 May 2009

I'm the new Lisa Frank. Germans are tricky, though.

It all started with a fairly simple statement:

"Can you come help me? I need to scan something and I can't remember how you told me to do it."

You see last week, my boss asked me how to scan a picture for one of his reports. Not that this was the first time.

Him: Do I just push the scan button on the copier?
Me: You'd think so. But no. Remember? You push the Template Button, then Scan to File, then choose whether you want it to be a TIFF or a PDF.
Him: Which do I want it to be?
Me: What are you going to do with it?
Him: Put it in a document.
Me: Put it in what document?
Him: A report I'm working on.
Me: Then you'll probably want it to be like a picture. So we have to scan it as a TIFF and then we can make it into a more usable format.

So we go through all the steps and he said, "Now where did it go? Is it on my computer?"

Which, for all I know, is him asking if it's actually physically sitting on top of his keyboard.

Me: It's on the server. In a folder called Scanned Documents. Do you remember how to get to the server? (Half the time he thinks that the server and the Internet are the same thing, you understand.)
Him: Yeah. But is it on my computer?
Me: Yes and no. You can get to it from your computer, though.

So he went into his office and I didn't hear anything more about it. For about ten minutes.

Him: Can you tell me where that document is again?
Me: Which document?
Him: The one I scanned. I can't find it.
Me: It's on the server in a folder called Scanned Documents. It will be in a folder with today's date.
Him: Okay.

And I didn't hear anything more about it. For about a half hour.

Him: Um. I can't seem to find that document. Could you come in here and help me?
Me: The scanned thing?
Him: Yes.
Me: You still haven't found it?

I went in there and walked him through the steps to find it.

Me: Do you remember how to get to the server?
Him: Yes.
Me: Okay, let's see it.

He clicked the right things and up pops the server.

Me: Now. See that folder (RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF YOU) called Scanned Documents? It's in there.
Him: Oh. I didn't click that one before because I didn't think it was the right one.
Me: ...
Him: So it's in there?
Me: It's in. The Folder. Called Scanned Documents. On. THE SERVER. Yes.
Him: Oh.

I didn't even punch him.

This morning, he came up to me again. "I need to scan something and you know I can't remember how. Could you help me?"

And we went through the whole thing again.

This led to my coworker, Cam, sending me this picture. Which I thought he found on the Internet, but actually he drew especially for me, using MS Paint. That was good news, as the picture is of a girl with red hair, wearing a black dress and pink heels. And that's exactly what I'm wearing today.

Here it is:

Basically, this was like putting little twigs or newspapers on a fire (I'm really good at keeping the fire going. I'm not so good at starting it). We had a staff lunch for the departure (Shut up, I'm going to cry about it) of my bestest of friends and the only reason I can do this job and stay sane, Toanny. No, that's not really her name. It's her annoying "I'm not a celebrity but I still smushed up my name with my husband's name" name. If I didn't love her so much, I'd pretend not to know her for this.

After lunch, where the statements "I want to eat unicorn meat stewed in the blood of the innocent" and "Lisa Frank meets Twilight. That needs to happen." were uttered, it was an MS Paint extravaganza.

First, Toanny came up with this:

Then I took it upon myself to best Lisa Frank at life (though apparently someone has already done Lisa Frank meets Twilight...but only about that creepy sparkly vampire thing. No unicorns were involved.):

I call that success. Suck it Lisa Frank. (But seriously, do you spell it "weiner" or "wiener"? Because my spell-check keeps correcting me when I spell "weiner." Even though I think that's right. Damn it Germans! Why can't you follow the "i before e" rules?)

And then Cam paid homage to our last supper with Toanny. It is awesome. I'm the red-head with the <3:

Yes, it has been a productive day at the office. Thanks for asking.

Also, a snippet from a gchat conversation between me and Cam:

Cam: Word.
Getting rid of all those apostles was a pain.
me: That's what Jesus said.

And then Cam spluttered all of his coffee onto his keyboard.


Jay Ferris said...

Awesome. Will you make the unicorn pic into a t-shirt for me???

miss clover said...

i cannot believe that dude is your boss. i never want to work in an office again.

Mallory said...

Oh my god, I'm so glad he showed me this. And I wish I hung out at a computer at work. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.

Joanna said...

I am so glad you posted this to commemorate the best day at work ever. Best send-off employee lunch ever (nobody ever drew Lance as a religious figure, did they, huh?). Best use of Lisa Frank and Twilight in the same context ever. I'll miss you guys! :(

Karin said...

The last supper remark had me spluttering, too! LOL

BTW, in German, it's "Wiener". "ie" is pronounced like "ee", "ei" is pronounced like "i" (so "weiner" would be pronounced like the English "whiner").

shine said...

Jay Ferris: You were the first, but not the last to request a unicorn T-shirt. I'll see if I can make that happen.

miss clover: Tell me about it. And this is a pretty tame moment.

Mallory: I DON'T KNOW. Probably being a smart ass somewhere.

Joanna: Did you change your thingy because I said you were annoying? Because I love you forever. Even if you move.

Karin: Thanks! I was so confused. I even tried to look it up, but they were used interchangeably everywhere. Usually I'm a good speller. Promise.

mylittlebecky said...

aw, man! i wish i worked with funness again. sniff. and by the by, have you been working out? your guns are quite impressive if i may say so. said...

If there is any blood left over from the unicorn, can I borrow a cup? Stuff is damn hard to find.

shine said...

mylittlebecky: I have been working out. Stop sniffing me! I shower! Does it count as hazardous material or bodily fluid? Because I can't FedEx that shit.