22 May 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Christian Bale

Christian, baby, we need to talk.

Yes, you are incredibly attractive. Yes, I still love you. And no, I will never get that scene from American Psycho out of my head (which scene? All of them...). But we have to break up.

You see, I've never seen a single Terminator movie. And now, because of you, and all your hotness, I'm going to have to go see one. And I'm not down with that.

Also, your screaming, cussing outburst (while kind of awesome) was a little inappropriate. Adam West never would have done that. Has anyone noticed how even in spandex and NUDE PANTYHOSE, old school Robin still didn't have any junk? So that's just me then?

Holy Tiny Penis, Batman!

Anyway, Christian, I'm going to have to break up with you. Even though I forgave you for that Machinist thing. Which. Was. Not. Cool. I couldn't even watch it because I didn't want to see you that way.

And that one time I got tricked into watching Empire of the Sun? Yeah, I felt like a child molester perv once I realized that was actually you. As a kid. And not this amazing casting thing where they got a kid who looked exactly like you, but you were about to burst on the scene and make me sweat at any second. But no. You were that kid. Seriously, does John Malkovich not age?

So it's over. But we can still get down on the side, if you know what I mean. Let's just be done with this commitment thing we've got going on where you have a wife and don't have a clue who I am. Because it's getting a little awkward. And Ryan Reynolds is totally funnier.


Anonymous said...

Did you really just call Robin out on the size of his junk?

adriana said...

He lost me when he went on that little tirade. I grew up around film sets, and it was SO beyond rude and inappropriate. Anyway. You tell him!

(And Ryan Reynolds really is funnier!)

Jay Ferris said...

Whatevs. This just gives him more time to focus on not knowing who I am.

PorkStar said...

what's wrong with tiny penises.... ?

Just saying, poor guys : )

Kelly said...

He's hot and I don't care! I laughed hystarically and LOUDLY at the scene in American Psycho with the white tennies and the chainsaw. In the theater. Very crowded theater.

I was the only one who laughed...

Andhari said...

Holy Tiny Penises.

That's such an epic line EVER. I disappointed when I knew he's gonna play in Terminator too.

shine said...

peterdewolf: You read it here first. Old School Robin has tiny junk.

adriana: Back on up off my imaginary boyfriend. Isn't it bad enough I have to compete with SCARLETT FREAKING JOHANNSEN?

Jay Ferris: He's doing it right now. Through the tears.

PorkStar: Not a thing. I just wouldn't...advertise.

Kelly: I would have been right there laughing with you. I laughed in my living room.

Andhari: Feel free to repeat as necessary.