21 May 2009

Touched by a Breast-Feeder

I completely forgot that I promised Fransen my story about breast-feeding. He works at some online mommy something and hears all kinds of stories about all things mommy, but my story warranted taking to the water cooler. So here it is.

Last month, I went to Nashville to visit my family. You'll remember the stories about my grandmother and granddaddy, I'm sure.

I can't remember if I mentioned, but this trip was originally planned as a trip for my ex-boyfriend to meet my family (and run the Music City half-marathon, no he's not the one who had a heart-attack and died). The phone call to explain that no, he wasn't coming, and no, we weren't dating any more was plenty humiliating. Thanks again, asshat!

We were supposed to be flying back home together, and he was supposed to give me a ride home. As you can imagine, that would have been pretty awkward, but at some point when we were still speaking to each other, he informed me that he wasn't on my flight any more. He was taking an earlier flight.

When I got to the airport, I wasn't even concerned about any of that, because he said he wouldn't be there. Why would anyone bother to lie about that? But there he was. I thought he was a chick at first.

I was pretty unhappy about this development, so I walked over and said, "What are you doing here? I thought you were taking a different flight?"

He pretty much refused to even look at me. Because, ya know, I'm the bad guy here. "That didn't work out."

Seriously? Why tell me you're not on my flight if you're actually not sure? "You're not still...SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME FOR THE TWO-HOUR FLIGHT, right? Because I will go talk to the flight attendant. Right now. And try the truth this time."

He had managed to switch his seat, and I went and talked to the cute guy from LA who was standing behind me in the security line earlier.

The problem was, I was still stuck with a middle seat. I hate sitting in the middle (like everyone else). So when I got on the plane and the guy sitting in the aisle seat said, "Hey do you want an aisle seat instead?" I said, "Uh, yeah!" without really contemplating the consequences.

His wife was sitting a few rows up on the aisle and they wanted to sit next to each other. So I traded with her. I sat down in my aisle seat feeling pretty darn good about myself. And then I looked up and saw it.

A youngish woman coming down the aisle looking right at me...holding a baby.

Now even on the best of days I'm not hugely fond of children or babies. But I was exhausted, overwhelmed by conservative BS, and I had run into the asshat. It was not a good day to sit next to a baby on the plane.

I was tempted to go back to the woman in my seat and say, "Thanks, but no thanks. You can't fool me! You knew this would happen! Now I will sit next to your husband for two hours and accidentally fall asleep on his shoulder and he'll be so intoxicated by the smell of my hair you'll have to change your shampoo!"

But I didn't. I politely got up, so the baby holder momma person could sit down. And hold her baby. In the middle seat. That takes up a lot of room, by the way.

Right about the time the plane took off, the baby (of course) started screaming. Screaming. And more screaming. So she did what any sensible woman would do in her situation and yanked out a boob.

Here's the thing. I'm totally all about women being able to breast-feed in public. I don't care. Whip your boob out if you need to, but maybe cover it up with something. I mean, none of the rest of us get to whip our boobs out when we need to. And I'm all for equal-opportunities. So cover it up. Or don't be surprised that I'm staring at it. Or both.

But all this woman had was a huge, heavy, fleece airplane blanket, because she's the only mom on the planet who didn't think it was a good idea to pack a blanket for the baby in her carry-on.

Well, Mr. Screamy Pants Baby was having none of that blanket. He couldn't breathe. I assume. Maybe he was just cranky and wouldn't have even wanted a hot fudge sundae in his face.

So she's just hanging out, trying to get him to shut up, for which I was grateful. I wasn't even looking. And then I felt something graze the side of my arm. Which was sort of on the edge of the shared armrest between us.

Yeah, in trying to get Mr. Screamy Pants Baby to shut it, she had turned toward me and her naked boob rubbed down my arm. Complete with slobber. And breast milk. I'm guessing. There was definitely something wet and sticky.

And did she apologize? Or even seem embarrassed? No. Lady, you just got your fluids on me on a public airplane. The dude who gizzed on that chick's hair while she was sleeping on the airplane got arrested. AND YOUR FLUIDS ARE ON MY SKIN.


Bow Chica Wah Wah said...

LOL Oh man!

Meg Kathleen said...


Mwahahaha, oh, I will laugh about that for the next week or so.

adriana said...

EWWWWWWW. I blame your ex.

Jay Ferris said...

This is by far your sexiest post to date.

Toanny said...

Well, ew, and I guess she should have apologized, if she noticed, but really, would you have noticed if you'd been juggling screaming babies and naked boobs in a crowded seat whilst trying to shut your kid up so 187 other passengers will stop giving you death glares? Sorry, I'm such a kid-apologist. Although, they do annoy me, too, and then I just grit my teeth and chant "I'm glad it's not me" in my head.

Also, I am glad you used the word "gizzed" and not... that other word we dare not speak aloud. *shudder*

Killer B said...

This was probably a very read-worthy post but the only word I saw was "boob".



sid said...

hahaha. that's friggin brilliant. glad that weird shit like this doesn't just happen to me.

Johnny Virgil said...

dear god. I've had bad flights before, but none like this. So far. I'm flying to cleveland soon. There's always the possibility.

shine said...

Bow Chica Wah Wah: Right?

Meg Kathleen: I think these things happen to me purely for your amusement.

adriana: It's usually a good call.

Jay Ferris: That thing you posted about binder clips on your face was your sexiest moment.

Toanny: That word will forever remain unsaid...except by the people who say it everyday. I can't help that.

Killer B: Go back and read it! Geez! Boob!

sid: Back at ya. We should start a club.

Johnny Virgil: I really, truly hope that nothing like this happens to you on the plane. Except that I kind of hope it does because your write up would be hysterical.