AKA what my Granddaddy said to me at 8:30 AM on the first full day of my visit to Tennessee.
I haven’t been to Tennessee to visit my family in about three years. I know, I know. I’m a horrible person. I’ve been busy, okay?
In the car, on the way home from the airport, I accidentally let it slip that I voted for Obama. I didn’t realize it should be a huge secret, mind you. I thought we were still free to vote for whomever we wanted in this country, even Paris Hilton (I’m still surprised she didn’t win after those awesome campaign commercials).
I thought my Granddaddy was going to pull the car over and make me pick my own switch. For those of you not from The South, it’s a version of psychological warfare that parents and grandparents used to torture children.
My grandparents have always lived in The South. And it shows. The next morning, Granddaddy was on a mission to convert me. I guess he thought we would have a mature conversation in which he would tell me all the reasons why voting for Obama was “Un-American” and I would say, “Golly gee, you’re so right! I’m going to call and see if I can change my vote!” Which, by the way, didn’t even really matter, since I live in Texas. Every vote counts, my ass. But that’s neither here nor there.
So Granddaddy starts in about how Obama wants gas to get above five dollars a gallon. How he’s going to take our guns away and then all the criminals will kill us in our beds, but they won’t even get punished because Obama won’t want anyone to be in prison. Okay, he didn’t say that business about prison, but it seems like something he should think.
He spouts off about how he just can’t stand to see our rights taken away like this. Even though he was totally fine with W. stripping away his rights for eight years.
Do you know what caused the mortgage crisis? Clinton gave mortgages to all those black people who couldn’t afford houses. Apparently the white people who couldn’t afford houses don’t count.
And the economy? Why is it in the toilet? The fear of Obama getting elected put everyone in a panic and the entire economy collapsed because of it. Then they all went out and voted for him. Odd.
Obama’s a Muslim. Obama isn’t a citizen of the US. Obama probably wasn’t even born on this planet. I think he’s from Saturn or something. Maybe Pluto.
And for all this, I just sort of smiled and nodded and kept my mouth shut. There’s no sense in arguing. Plus, this is my Granddaddy. I can’t tell him to shut up, right?
Then he told me that “all liberals are pro-abortion,” and that they’re going to take away a doctor’s right to refuse to do an abortion, so then no doctors will want to even perform births and hospitals will get rid of their OBGYN programs and people will be having their babies on the streets. Now, I’m not sure how you follow that train from the beginning to the end, but that was where he crossed the line for me.
“Granddaddy. No one is pro-abortion. No one. Okay, there might be a few people who are actually pro-abortion, but they’re weird. It’s about choices. It’s about women’s rights, which you clearly don’t understand. But no one is ‘pushing abortion’ on people who don’t want it.”
He just looked at me. Can he really think that people are yanking pregnant women off the street and forcing them to have abortions against their will?
Then he reminded me that Obama voted to kill new borns after they’d already been born. Uh…no. He didn’t. Good grief. He voted against something because it was redundant. There are already laws that protect babies from murder.
Granddaddy does think that the laws about hate crimes are redundant, though. I mean, there are already laws about murdering people. Why should it matter that it was because of hate? Just though homosexuals pushing their crazy “have the same rights as everyone else” agenda on us again.
So I got him off track by talking about football. So, how ‘bout those Titans, eh? Whew.
You know those emails that circulate around with all the crazy stuff about Obama and liberals and crap (I’ve never gotten any about Republicans, really)? The ones most of us just delete? Yeah, my Granddaddy believes all of them. He probably sent them to you. I’m sorry.
Stay tuned for the next installment, “My Grandmother thinks all gay men want to rape little boys.”
Art mystery possibly solved?
2 days ago
9 comments:
I... want to meet your Granddaddy.
Right after I go unstrap that lady whose uterus I forced doctors to scrape.
I have relatives in OK and this all sounded uncomfortably familiar.
Ouch that's rough. If i was american, I'd totally vote for Obama. I don't get all these hate talks.
The wife and I work with senior volunteers. Amazing how many of them believe this and are probably on your Grandfather's email list!
Keep up the very entertaining writing!!
Wow, your Granddaddy sounds EXACTLY like my future father in law. My FFIL also believes all of those "here's why liberals and muslims and everyone who doesn't look and think exactly like you is out to make sure you diiiiiiieeeee" emails and newsletters. Not only does he believe them but he calls the people who write them "government watchdogs who understand the truth" and makes me read that crap whenever we're together.
Yikes I say. My in-laws are pretty conservative, but they usually remember not to bring it up in front of me. Which works out best for everyone.
There are organized groups of professionals who write those emails - they do it on purpose. They know they are spreading lies... and they make the emails sound like they are written by ordinary people - not Creepublican policy wonks and spin doctors.
No Democrat would stoop this low. So that's why we never get those emails.
We're not that stoopid.
the company was great... the story was even better in person, but I have to say, the sushi was atrocious.
That's awesome. It seems like all old people are taken as seriously as my three year old. My grandma, who is the most racist person I have ever known, besides my grandpa, but he's dead... Anyway, she calls black folks the N word. She voted for Obama. Why? Because it's stupid to vote for such an old man! HAHAHAHAHA! But we live in Minnesota, so her vote did count!
And for that I am extremely happy.
Losing it: I'll set up a meeting. Just remember, he's old, so don't kick him or anything.
Insomniaclolita: I cannot ever read your name right in my head. What's wrong with me?
txsand: I'm scared of that idea.
Erin: Please tell me your future husband isn't like that. If he is, I'd run now.
palinode: Good for them for having sense.
Antje: THE SUSHI WAS BAD BAD BAD. I think next time I go somewhere and the tea smells weird, I'm just going to walk out. It can't be a good sign.
Kelly: I'd prefer to think that they don't vote. But obviously we're going to have to deal with the whole old people driving thing before we can deal with the whole old people voting thing.
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