03 June 2009

I don't even know how to title this blog because this cannot be my life. Seriously.

This is a conversation, verbatim, that I had with my friend Joanna (of MS Paint art fame, formerly and currently also known as Toanny)on the googly chat this morning. Because I don't even know how to begin to tell you about last night.

Also, if you're reading this story and you think you might be involved, you're not. Or maybe you are. I don't know. But try not to get all sensitive about it. I'm going on no sleep and a lot of uncomfortable here. Kthx.

me: Please tell me you're there so I can tell you that last night Motorboater asked me to meet his MOM. And when he bugged the shit out of me* and I finally agreed to meet him out, HIS MOM GAVE A STRANGER A BLOW JOB IN THE [REDACTED] BAR PARKING LOT.

Joanna: hahahahaha why is your life so cool?

me: Um, what, exactly, is cool about that?

Joanna: This shit never happens to me

me: He called himself the guy I'm dating** and wanted me to MEET HIS MOM after the second date.

Joanna: You have to move. Now. So he can never find you.

me: He called me THREE TIMES yesterday.

Joanna: I have an air mattress

me: In addition to texting.

Joanna: Holy crap. He's a bit insane, then?

me: I think I'm going to have to kill him.

Joanna: what the hell, his mom is a hoor?

me: Okay, to be fair, I think mostly he had just been with his mom for like four straight days.
But still...
And he like...kisses me like I'm his girlfriend.
You know, like kiss hello, kiss I'm going outside, kiss I'm going to the bathroom.
That kind of shit.

Joanna: Oh, damn.

me: And yes, it sort of seems his mom's a whore.

Joanna: Yeah, cut him loose.
He's clearly in love with you.
your mom's a whore

me: Also, the reason we know that his mom was GIVING A STRANGER A BLOW JOB is because he walked out there and saw it.

Joanna: Oh, jesus

me: Yeah, he was pretty traumatized.

Joanna: awesome

me: I felt bad for him.

Joanna: Like, totally unexpected***?
That sucks.

I'm not sure what they were expecting.
When you do that shit IN PUBLIC, sometimes your son might walk out on you GIVING A STRANGER A BLOWJOB.

Joanna: Wow

me: Bartender (the bartender at [redacted] bar) asked me to go to dinner on Saturday.
And we might have hung out talking until 3 am.

Joanna: I can't keep up! Is he cute?

me: I think I need to move.

Joanna: funny

me: Well, he's cute. But he's...older than my mom.
He's hilarious.
Not [Insert name of guy who is inappropriate to date here] hilarious.
But hilarious.
And pretty much a total gentleman and nice guy.

Joanna: Older than your mom.

me: Um.

Joanna: Uh huh
me: Yeah.
Actually older than my mom.

Joanna: Are there no boys your age left in Dallas? :P

As is Inappropriate Guy.
As was THE EX, if I can remind you.

Joanna: Oh, okay. And they are clearly not ideal.

me: Plus, I don't do well with younger.
As evidenced by the child I went out with last weekend.

Joanna: Argh. Tony crisis. I must go find a bank and keep him from killing cats****.

me: Yep.

Joanna: I'm sorry! I feel so fucking rushed, things will settle soon

me: I can hear you laughing at me all the way here.

Joanna: and we'll chat more

me: Of course.

Joanna: I'm not laughing at you. Except the blowjob thing, because that's fucked up and doesn't actually happen to people.

me: OH MY GOD.

Joanna: I'll catch you on some electronic device later!

me: Also, she apparently had naked pictures of a 41 year old Navy Seal she was fucking on her camera. Which Motorboater also saw...

Joanna: Holy shit. It's like bad tv.

me: But worse.

Joanna: Okay, bye!

I can't make this shit up people.

*By "bug the shit out of me," I mean he called me three times, texted me several times, and made me feel guilty because his mom was "talking to the guy she picked up" at the last bar and he didn't have anyone to talk to.

**To be fair, he actually called me "the girl he's dating." But I think the point still stands.

***The one question I regret not asking? How in hell could this be "expected"?!?

****I have no idea what these two things have to do with each other, but this? Is why I love Toanny. And by Toanny, I mean the both of them. Please come back guys!


Jay Ferris said...

I think you should be happy to have options. Because even if things fall apart with Motorboater and Bartender, sounds like you might have a shot with MB's Mom.

Losing It said...

DAMMIT, Jay beat me to the punch about MBs mom!

adriana said...

This part says it all:

"I'm not laughing at you. Except the blowjob thing, because that's fucked up and doesn't actually happen to people."


Where do these people come from? said...

You really might have to move, or tell him you're gay. (But then if the mother starts hitting on you, you're screwd.)

LiLu said...

If you get the kiss on the forehead, RUN. That basically means he'd like to wear your skin.

Maxie said...

So there's something wrong with giving a stranger a blow jay?

WendyB said...

Boy, my life is boring!

deadleafecho said...

Rejoice, there are no road side blow jobs in Columbus. I mean, strange dude should rejoice. Whatever.

Amy said...

I. Love. Your. Blog. I can't even blog because of your blog. So the guy who motorboats you in public's mother performs actual fellatio in - public. Wonder what dad does?

Joanna said...

*** I don't know why I said that! I think I was thinking, like, the mom had a date, or something. Or Motorboater didn't even realize his mom was at the same bar. Or, I have no idea. Your life is entertaining. Try to stay between 18-65 year-olds, okay? Jeez, I leave you alone for 5 days...

shine said...

Jay Ferris: That is just...not okay.

Losing It: He's a bitch that way. I hear he likes to be spanked.

adriana: I wish I had an answer to that question. Because then I could stop going there.

repliderium: Yeah, cause there's nothing a man hates more than a woman of questionable sexuality...

LiLu: But do you want to wear my skin? Okay, I kind of grossed me out.

Maxie: Nothing whatsoever. Just saying she might not win any "Mom of the Year" awards with that one.

WendyB: Wanna trade?

deadleafecho: Riiiight. Cause that's not what you do for extra cash?

Amy: This. Makes no sense. You can't blog because of my blog? Is my blog holding your blog for ransom? I'll have a talk with it.

Joanna: I told you not to move. This is your fault really.

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