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04 June 2009

Toilet Paper, Punctuation, Then and Than, and Why Things are Always Better MY WAY.

I'm pretty laid back. Generally speaking, I care too little about most things to get all worked up. Oh wait. I just defined "laid back."

There are a couple of things, though, that really just must be my way.

1. If the toilet paper runs out while you're using it? REPLACE IT. I really don't need pee dripping down my leg while I look for another roll. At work.

Contrary to popular belief, there is only one correct way for the toilet paper to be placed on the holder (which, you understand, doesn't involve sitting it on the back of the toilet). The roll must roll over the top. I don't want to spend precious seconds of my time chasing the end of the toilet paper down. I just don't. Then people will think I'm taking a morning poo. And I'm a lady (I use this term loosely. Like my hips).

2. I like to match up the silverware in the little cups in the dishwasher. With the used end up. That means big forks go with big forks, little forks with little forks, etc. It's just easier to unload that way.

3. Please learn about this crazy thing we call "punctuation." It's not just for English majors.

4. The words then and than are not interchangeable. Then is about time (And then he wanted to put ice cream on my toes!). Than is about comparison (My ass is so much better than Susan's face). I promise you can figure this out.

5. Apostrophes: They don't make things plural.

Just follow these simple rules and we'll get along just fine.

My way is probably better than yours anyway.

11 comments:

Antelope said...

The silverware in the dishwasher thing was a big breakthrough in my relationship. I tried to explain it, I reasoned and I argued and I cried. And then one day I just loaded all the dishes myself and let him unload them. He was like "Did you do this on purpose! It's so cool!" After I picked up my skull pieces we totally made out.

Jay Ferris said...

This post has your name (and OCD tendencies) all over it.

Courtney said...

You must have been in my head yesterday when I posted... I was mentioning the TP stuff and samsmama brought up the over or under TP on the holder. It's gotta be over and the silverware have to be in their own spots. There is just no discussion on these matters.

mhjozwiak said...

"My ass is so much better than Susan's face."
Pahahahaha! My ex's new woman's name is Susan. Ugly Susan, I call her. THIS made my day!

PorkStar said...

I totally agree with the punctuation stuff. I read someone's post where they found a chic's resume full of apostrophes where the plural should be.

Nice post.

smh2141 said...

Um, you forgot about PUNCTUALITY. You hate it when people are late....

Erin said...

Yes, yes, and yes.

adriana said...

YES. To all of the above!

One of my best friends posted a "poll" thing on FB the other day where you vote "over" or "under" for the TP roll. And she acutally put UNDER! I was like, I don't know if we can be friends anymore. We certainly can never live together!

OVER ALL THE WAY!

shine said...

Antelope: Men. In other news, I think it's time we spoon.

JayFerris: I love that. LOVE it.

Courtney: If I was in your head yesterday, I'm sorry. Sometimes I do that.

mhjozwiak: Yay! Susan sucks! Except my Aunt Susan. Well, and my step-mom. But pretty much all the other ones.

PorkStar: Um, was it the one you found here? This flat text is making hard to tell if you're being facetious.

smh2141: Good point, sis. Good point.

Erin: I can see we're going to get along just fine.

adriana: It's over or nothing, really. You might as well just end the friendship.

Travis Sloat said...

I also married a lady... http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/2009/06/night-missus-whipped-someones-ass-for.html

And I also HAVE to have the tp over the top. It is a requirement.

Travis Sloat said...

Wait. Not also married a lady. Did marry a lady. Geez. I was tryna be clever whilst pluggin my blog. Sorry about that.