04 May 2009

Good Morning Poo!

We have this tradition in our office. Every morning, all the men come in...and poo. I call it "Morning Poo Time!" but without the enthusiasm that the exclamation point implies.

Now the office is very small. And we only have one bathroom. My desk is in a direct path of the poo air dissipation pattern. So all morning, I smell poo.

Maybe it's just me, but I go at home. I mean, obviously I don't ever poo because I'm a lady. But if I did, I would do it at home. Or anywhere not at the office. Because the last thing I really need is for everyone to smell my poo all morning.

They just form a line, these men, starting at 8:00 am. One after the other. I got some Febreeze, but most of them refuse to use it. Why?!? I mean, it's not really a cure-all, I understand. Mostly, then it just smells like poo covered with Febreeze, but it's better than straight poo.

And really, what do you people eat? It smells like something died in your intestines, sat and festered for about a month, decomposed to just the right level, and then you sat on our work toilet and let it loose. Thanks.

People get mad at smokers for getting to take smoke breaks at work, when non-smokers don't have this privilege. Okay, I'm kind of one of them. But this whole poo-break thing is out of control. Sometimes it takes a half hour. And the whole time, I'm sitting at my desk hoping that whoever is in there will just stay in there all day, so I don't have to be subjected to the death poo air. But no. The door opens and the stench begins. This usually continues until almost lunch time.

So here's my question to you men: If you can manage to make sure that you have to poo right when you get to work in the morning, can you not manage to make sure to poo before you get to work? Really? (Incidentally, I think I read someone else complaining about this exact same thing on a blog the other day, but I can't for the life of me remember where. Oops! So credit for this idea goes to that person, whoever he or she is...)

In other news, I forgot to put a bobby pin in my hair to keep my bangs out of my face (and since I didn't bother to dry my hair this morning, they were doing this super awesome "woohoo!" thing where they curl around and practically stab me in the eye), so I'm using a paperclip instead. Paperclips? Are not the new bobby pins.


Anonymous said...

Your bangs "Woohoo!" sometimes?

shine said...

Totally. It's more of an interpretive dance kinda thing, but it's definitely "woohoo!"

PorkStar said...

Put a sign on the door that says: "Courtesy flush when dropping the kids at the pool please." At the moment of the splash, let it all whirl down to the gates of hades and you'll see the smell will be reduced by 95%

LiLu said...


Only men are supposed to do that?


kkwall said...

I'm laughing out loud! Love it!

Kelly said...

My husband calls it, "Being a company guy." Ew. I'm so sorry about your location and its relation to the crapper. That is no good.

In related news, I work with a woman who must weigh at least 350 and smells up the bathroom like tuna. It is ripe. Totally gross.

Losing It said...

This is just... ewwww.

Monkey Girl said...

I swear men are so regular...every morning...after breakfast.

Wish I could be that regular.

adriana said...

SERIOUSLY. If you can train yourself to go at the same time every day, do it at home!

I actually have to admit - I sometimes like using the bathroom @ work more because it's a toilet I don't have to clean. But I am the first person to get in every morning, so I have privacy, you know?

Alice said...

aaaahaha. i'm totally a man. i poo nearly every day at about 10:30am. but the thing is, i didn't train myself to always poo then, it just... IS. i can't poo earlier. it's just Morning Poo Time, and i am its slave.

also holy shit (hee!) i do not envy you the poo smell every morning.

also also: i love that you have a category for "morning poo."

Life in a Cube said...

Just ran into your blog and I love it. I've never used paper clips for my hair but I have used binder clips.

Bow Chica Wah Wah said...

You my friend are FUNNNNNNY!

Crystal said...

i go to another floor to make my bm's but only when i absolutely can't hold it anymore. i bring matches. better than febreeze, yo! you should put some in the dude's bathroom.

Erin said...

I have had several jobs where I was the only woman in the office of men and I can relate the the morning poo thing. You can strike a wooden match and let it burn about half way and blow it out. The smell will be gone. The little binder clips come in great colors now and work well also. The papaerclip is a good idea.

shine said...

PorkStar: I can't even get them to spray, you think I can get them to courtesy flush?

LiLu: Your awesomeness grants you a pass in this department. Oh, and you don't work in my office.

kkwall: Thanks!

Kelly: I gagged, thanks. I used to work with a woman just like that. Only you could smell the tuna all the time. Bleh. Wash down there, ladies!

Losing it: Sorry!

Monkey Girl: Me too. But I'd probably still go at home.

Adriana: The catch? I have to clean the toilet at work, too. And it's not even my shit.

Alice: I kind of want to be you a little bit.

Life in a Cube: Thanks!

Bow Chica Wah Wah: I try. Actually...I don't. I'm not sure which is better.

Crystal: True, and at least matches have the added allure of creating fire. So maybe I can get them to do that.

Erin: The paperclip seemed more subtle than a binder clip, but I considered both options.

Phronk said...

I think I'm very good at pooing. I can poo on command whenever it's a good time to do so, but I can also hold it for hours if need be. So it's not all men who have this need to poo in the morning. Maybe your office has some some kind of fumes or something that makes people have to poo immediately?