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26 June 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Beer Commercials

Real Men of Geeeeennnnniuuuussss…

Bud Light, I’m going to take it easy on you because some of your commercials have been not only entertaining, they’ve been downright clever. But if you make even one more of these real men of genius things I’m going to stop drinking your beer. Well, I’m not going to start drinking your beer. Since I think it’s shit anyway. This is serious. You could lose a (really unlikely) potential future customer. Dude.

Miller Lite, “The Commish” sucks, and that makes me sad because I like that guy who plays “The Commish” when he’s on Scrubs, or really any other time. I think. I don’t remember him in anything else, but I remember thinking he would make a great Clark Kent. But he’s really annoying in your commercials. Also, just for your information, most beers are “triple hopped” and “cold filtered.” Stop trying to act special because those guys who were doing a beer sampling thing (ahem, and gave me free beer that tasted good) told me you’re not. I’ll take the High Life, thank you (if I have to drink crappy beer). At least I’m keepin’ it in the family.

Coors Light, your beer sucks. Large, hairy ape balls. I have to give you props for making one of the more honest commercials I’ve ever seen in which your beer is used to fight off snakes. That’s about the only thing I’d use it for. Who says there’s no honesty in advertising? But these sports commercials? Have got to go. Now. Or I’ll stab you in the fermenter. (I don’t know what that means…)

Dos Equis, you are not the most interesting beer in the world. You are not even one of the most interesting beers in the world. Your commercials aren’t that bad, I suppose, but they’re getting really old. It was a good idea. The first time. Version 37.5 kinda sucks, though. Be more clever or cut it out. I have to hand this to you, though: I appreciate that you think it’s acceptable to only mention the product name once. Don’t worry, I remember it.

Tecate Light? I WILL NEVER DRINK YOUR BEER. I’m even pissed off that I just typed the name of your beer since you say the name of your beer 137 times (this might be an exaggeration) every commercial and I want to rip my radio out and throw it into the street and then get back in my car and run over my radio twice and then pick my radio back up, put it back in my car, drive it to an Olympic-sized swimming pool and drop it in with a plugged in toaster and a plugged in hair dryer and possibly your Aunt Myrtle. FUCK YOU. That is all.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

first.

obviously advertising works since you remember all of these.

also, you're a beer snob.

also, miller lite doesn't cost $10 for a 4 pack..just sayin.

finally, when she says "it's a little bit hoppy" please remind me to say no. thanks.

PS much love 4 tha high life keep it real dawg.

FilmFemme said...

The first time I ever heard of Tecate Light was when I saw Hellboy drink it in Hellboy II: The Golden Army (unsure about that subtitle). Since regular Tecate makes me puke (OMG SO FUCKING GROSS)I will never try it.

Those "most interesting man" Dos Equis things are just a rip off of the whole Chuck Norris/Bill Brasky thing that was over about 12 years ago (and honestly was never all that funny). Come on.

I'm just going to keep drinking Stoli Bluberi cause I'm a girl.

Travis said...

I for the most part love Dos Equis. I guess I'm not familiar with the commercials. The Groom (my brother, read my blog!) loves Coors light. I had an experience shotgunnin them in a boat one time, and I don't care for it either. And who is this D bag puttin "first" on the comment thing!? You should punch him in the weiner...

bakingwithplath said...

I am a Stella girl. In other news, I'm an asshole.

Phronk said...

I kinda love the Dos Equis commercials even if I never drink the beer. Actually, none of the beer I drink has commercials. That's how edgy and cool I am.

Alice said...

huh. i practically NEVER hear beer commercials. i wasn't even aware that tecate light HAD commercials.

this is why i love my dvr.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Hmmmm it's 1am and now as I'm about to go to bed, I want a beer.

shine said...

Anon: You talk a lot.

FilmFemme: Mmm...bluberi.

Travis: Done!

bakingwithplath: But we already knew that and love you anyway?

Phronk: None of the beer I drink has commercials! We're so edgy.

Alice: The radio. I hear them on the radio. ALL THE TIME.

Chelsea Talks Smack: Oops. Hope you had one!

Oliver said...

I would recommend a subscription to satellite radio...

shine said...

Oliver: Would you also pay for one?