It's Friday, we should break up - Beer Commercials

Real Men of Geeeeennnnniuuuussss…

Bud Light, I’m going to take it easy on you because some of your commercials have been not only entertaining, they’ve been downright clever. But if you make even one more of these real men of genius things I’m going to stop drinking your beer. Well, I’m not going to start drinking your beer. Since I think it’s shit anyway. This is serious. You could lose a (really unlikely) potential future customer. Dude.

Miller Lite, “The Commish” sucks, and that makes me sad because I like that guy who plays “The Commish” when he’s on Scrubs, or really any other time. I think. I don’t remember him in anything else, but I remember thinking he would make a great Clark Kent. But he’s really annoying in your commercials. Also, just for your information, most beers are “triple hopped” and “cold filtered.” Stop trying to act special because those guys who were doing a beer sampling thing (ahem, and gave me free beer that tasted good) told me you’re not. I’ll take the High Life, thank you (if I have to drink crappy beer). At least I’m keepin’ it in the family.

Coors Light, your beer sucks. Large, hairy ape balls. I have to give you props for making one of the more honest commercials I’ve ever seen in which your beer is used to fight off snakes. That’s about the only thing I’d use it for. Who says there’s no honesty in advertising? But these sports commercials? Have got to go. Now. Or I’ll stab you in the fermenter. (I don’t know what that means…)

Dos Equis, you are not the most interesting beer in the world. You are not even one of the most interesting beers in the world. Your commercials aren’t that bad, I suppose, but they’re getting really old. It was a good idea. The first time. Version 37.5 kinda sucks, though. Be more clever or cut it out. I have to hand this to you, though: I appreciate that you think it’s acceptable to only mention the product name once. Don’t worry, I remember it.

Tecate Light? I WILL NEVER DRINK YOUR BEER. I’m even pissed off that I just typed the name of your beer since you say the name of your beer 137 times (this might be an exaggeration) every commercial and I want to rip my radio out and throw it into the street and then get back in my car and run over my radio twice and then pick my radio back up, put it back in my car, drive it to an Olympic-sized swimming pool and drop it in with a plugged in toaster and a plugged in hair dryer and possibly your Aunt Myrtle. FUCK YOU. That is all.