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30 June 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it and frankly I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Oh goody. Not only did one of my coworkers find me on Twitter and therefore start reading my blog (sorry, but it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with that at work), now my step-dad has found my blog. Which means, apparently, even though I told him that I didn't want him to read it because it wasn't really for family and I was uncomfortable enough with the thought of my aunt reading it, that he's reading it. AND SHARING WITH MY MOTHER.

I'm not sure there are words to describe the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you tell your mom about falling in the shower and she says, "Yeah, I heard there are pictures of it on the internet."

Oh. Crap.

If someone would like to share the link with my grandparents, now would be the time to do it. Oh, and while you're at it, go ahead and tell them I'm an atheist. My Nana's heart-attack is on your head.

I don't know what to do here, folks.

Part of me wants to just scrap it all and start over in some little anonymous hole where no one I know can find me. That's just sad because part of the fun of all of this was sharing it with some of my friends. But now I feel so claustrophobic and censored.

The other part of me wants to say a loud "FUCK YOU" and just keep writing without giving a damn what anyone thinks. Except that this is my MOM we're talking about, yo. We're only just starting to have a relationship. We don't have one of those tell each other everything without judgment kind of things. At all.

This blog is my home. I want to feel comfortable here. My heart is pressed between these internet pages. I put it out there for anyone to read, and I didn't hide it very well, but my parents are a little more audience than I would have chosen.

I'm aware that no one really cares and that life will go on whether I write or not, but I love this blog. I love that it is 100% me. I love the people who read and comment and share their stories. I've made friends. I've laughed and cried and thrown up in my mouth a little at all of your stories.

But this is my MOM we're talking about. Help!

25 comments:

Lucia said...

I think I would start a new blog...lol.
I don't have as much to hid though! Now that I'm 44 married with kid. Or maybe I do...but that's on my annoymous blog! ;) wink wink

Lucia said...

sorry I meant HIDE, not HID

Organic Meatbag said...

Yes, it's odd, it's uncomfortable, but you have to keep being yourself...I have co-workers that read my blog and my Dad suddenly decided to join facebook, so now he has access to my crazy shit too, but you know what? My blog is therapy for me...it's a creative outlet that I can't find anywhere else, and like you, I have found some crazy cool people through it...
You've built a following...I say keep rolling with it..

Oliver said...

Please don't leave us! We love you! We'd miss you!

adriana said...

We DO really care, actually! I love reading your blog - it has quickly become one of my favorites, and I'd be sorry if you didn't have it anymore!

Travis said...

I do very much like the blog, and if you start a new one, make sure you tell me where it's at! I also just recently told my mom I had a blog. For sure, she is incapable of working the internet. So I'm safe. Boooooooooooooob to the step dad tho. That's rattin you out lame.

Jay Ferris said...

My personal policy has always been to leave it up until the point it starts adversely affecting your livelihood. As your job and/or health do not appear to be in jeopardy (yet), stay the course.

That or you could post the peepgina for a week or two and scare them all away.

If you do decide to bail, know that I expect an email so I know where you've moved to.

Jeff said...

My mom checks my site, and has even commented on it, but I think we probably have a different relationship. The boundaries thing is something everyone needs to determine on their own, and what you want the blog to be. If you're wanting to make it as big as possible, those close to you finding out about it is probably always going to happen.

Tony said...

OK. I'm not generally one to post a comment on someone's blog but I find myself in the rare position of actually having something meaningful to say. I have a large family. Not all of my family gets along or even recognizes each other as family. I used to worry about, and was overly cautious about, what I would put up on my Facebook/blog/myspace etc. I then realized something very important: Fuck 'em. Everyone I know knows exactly the kind of person that I am because in my real life I hold nothing back. So why was I imposing a filter onto my digital life? If someone CHOOSES to read one of my many ways of communicating with the world, and they see something they don't like, well, then I do believe that that is THEIR problem. I write for EVERYONE. But somehow, anytime anyone reads anything on the internet, they seem to think it was only meant for them. In a Digital world like the magical interwebs, I've never understood how people could still be so self-centered.
Now, in the case of mothers, things do tend to get a bit more complicated. You have to let your mom know that the blog thing is a cathartic release for you and for it to be so, it needs to be full disclosure. Just tell your mother she's welcome to read it, but SHE needs to figure out how far down the rabbit hole she really wants to go. Your responsibility is to yourself. Those of us who know you, love you. We always want to know what's going on with you. To stop blogging or to limit yourself to an even smaller audience would be a waste of a unique perspective on life as well as a waste of a pretty impressive writing talent. BE YOU!


Oh, and by the way, I'm pretty sure I deserve mad props for getting through that whole diatribe without a single "Your Mama" joke even though you practically gift-wrapped me the setup.

Erin said...

I get it. I have the same issues with my Mom reading my blog. It is hard to show her the me I actually am instead of the me I pretended to be while I was growing up and trying to keep the peace (ours was not a relationship of unconditional love or acceptance). My biggest fear, though, is that my fiance's father will read my blog as he is a crazy rural Texan macho chauvanist conservative conspiracy theorist who makes life very hard for my fiance and I on a regular basis without reading my site. I can only imagine the hell he would raise if he did read it and decided that he didn't like my opinion of...well anything really.

So that was really just a long winded way of saying that yes, I feel the fear too. :)

Alice said...

i suspect you might need to move over to wordpress to do this, but what about password-protecting certain blog posts? like, if there's stuff that's awesome and hilarious, but maybe not MOM APPROPRIATE, you can password protect just that post. i know a few bloggers who have done this, and i can hook you up w/them to get the technical stats on how they managed it..

Beckbee said...

Lefty would say "live out loud". Part of what makes us human is sharing our experiences. HUG..wish I could give you better advice. I kinda see it as, everything I blog about (that is accessible outside of hashspace...anyways) is up for public consumption. That includes my mom, which, can be aggravating at times. BUT...them's the internets. Hang in there. You have a great voice. Don't be scurred.

Losing It said...

Are you an adult?

Does your mom know your an adult?

Problem solved.

PorkStar said...

Well, just make her aware that certain posts are not appropriate for family audiences and the fact that your blog is as honest and open as it is, is also because it is one private outlet to express your opinion... even if it's open to strangers. You are adult, yes, like someone up in the comments said.

Cheers

Antelope said...

Yikes. Yeah, that's like having all the walls in your apartment turn to glass and your mom move in next door. Sure, you're an adult and your mom probably knows what your up to on some level, but does she need to SEE it every day? Not so much. Maybe she won't want to either?

LiLu said...

I've thought a lot about what I would do if that happened... and I've decided, I would ask them to respect my privacy and not read. If they choose to, well, that's on them. I'm not going to apologize for it.

It would be hard, and definitely hurt our relationship. But if they refuse to respect my wishes, well then, it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with, was it? That's not love. Not at all.

Antje Spethmann said...

ewww ewwww.. I know: write something very very truthful about your step father. He'll stop reporting it to your mom immediately....

Joanna said...

Rawr, long comment eaten. I say keep it. Your mom and those others will most likely just check out of initial curiosity and then forget all about it.

This is your space, be you, because you are awesome.

People spying on Shine and making her uncomfortable - gtfo please. :)

Sarah said...

Yeah the day I found out that my parents were reading the blog I freaked, too. And immediately thought back to all the posts I had written about my drinking, my boobs, wanting to do certain guys, etc. But you know what-your mom will love you no matter what. You're effing hilarious. She needs to know that. My dad reads the crap I write and then says stuff like, "You're a good writer." And I'm like, "Okay so no comment on how I accidentally made out with my friend Christy then? That's cool."

Personally, I'd be more worried about the guy at work reading it. If you decide to close down this blog, make sure you start another one up and tell me where it is. Trust me-you'll miss it.

Andhari said...

Oh girl, I know how you feel but I hope you find these options okay :
1. Move your blog to a different address
2. Tell your family who know to respect your safe blogging choice ( definitely after you move your blog )
3. Make it private ( not really nice, I know )
4. Switch platform to wordpress because they have options whether to make a certain post protected or not :)

I hope it helps. This is your space, and people who you wont let invade should not invade.

standingonthebrink said...

If you move, is there a way you can easily let most of your readers know where you are e.g. via facebook or something so that they can find you without your parents finding you too?

My parents know I blog, my father has even found my blog, and they don't like the things I write up here, but they accept taht this is something I enjoy and in some way feel I *need* to do; it sounds like your relationship with your mother isn't that comfortable though, so asking her not to read, and then perhaps if that doesn't work, moving, might be the only way forward. I don't really know what to say to help, but good luck. It's horrible when this happens. I know that when some people discovered my secondary blog - there were only a couple of people I really wanted not to konw about it, and konw they eventually did - it was horrible. But in the end I took the decision to go by what I had said in my 'About' section which was along the lines of, I will say what I want. You just have to suck it up. If you don't like that, don't read it, it doesn't change who I am to you. But, you know, worded more nicely than that...

Good luck.

xxx

Crystal said...

Peepgina = lmao @ jay

can you password protect some posts? then you could give your password to certain polks (LIKE ME!!!!) and you could talk all the smack you want.

very few people who actually know me know that i have a blog and i can say that the more people you let in, the more you have to censor yourself. fortunately for me, none of my friends are interested in my writing so i can call them jerk sandwich flap faces and they will never know.

peterdewolf said...

LiLu pretty much stole my comment. (EVIL.)

Can you just tell them it makes you uncomfy and ask them to stop reading?

Or you could just threaten to start telling THEIR secrets.

Phronk said...

Won't it be weird when your mom reads this post and all the comments about how to stop her from reading it? :)

I love that your blog is 100% you too. It's a tough balance to keep that, but also share it with friends and family. I found out my mom reads my blog, and considered trying to go all anonymous, but that's just so much damn work. So I ended up just saying Fuck It and hoping my family is fine with me spilling my life on the internets. Maybe they'll even get to know me better through it. Which is a bit weird, but whatever. Life is too short to be creating different censored identities for different groups of people.

But in any case, if you do have to move or whatever, I hope I can find you again. Your blog is one of the best out there.

shine said...

Lucia: Now you know we're all going to need the link to this anonymous blog. You outed yourself!

Organic Meatbag: You're right. And when you're right, you're right.

Oliver: That's so sweet. Thank you. I don't think I'm going anywhere.

adriana: Thanks, love. I love yours too!

Travis: Yeah, both my parents are completely capable of using the internets.

Jay Ferris: Peepgina is what keeps 'em coming back. And you know where to find me if I disappear.

Tony: Your mama.

Erin: I completely feel you. And I hope that your fiancee is nothing like his dad...he's not, right?

Alice: That would be awesome, thanks! Great idea.

Beckbee: Yeah...but it's my mom, yo.

Losing it: If only it were that simple.

PorkStar: We actually had already had that discussion when her feelings were hurt because I didn't want her to read my blog...

Antelope: EXACTLY. Thank you. That's it exactly.

LiLu: Well said. And I did ask my mom to respect my privacy when I told her I didn't want her to read my blog. She agreed. But now my step-dad will just share things with her, it seems. It's not even that I'm worried she'll read it, it's what he'll tell her.

Antje: I don't really want to be the one who causes strife in their relationship.

Joanna: I'm hoping that's the case.

Sarah: My parents aren't really the non-judgmental types, but I think I'm in it for the long haul. And thanks! Your blog cracks me up. Seriously. I so want to come to Cleveland and hang out.

Andhari: I so don't want to have to make it private. It's weird, but I'm totally cool with perfect strangers getting a glimpse of my crazy, but my mom...yeah, that's a lot. Thanks for the suggestions!

standingonthebrink: I think I'm in the "Fuck It" stage. This is my space and I'm staying here.

Crystal: Is it weird that I kind of want to be a jerk flapface? That sounds like fun! Your blog is freaking hilarious. Your friends are missing out. I'm going to try to just keep going without censoring too much.

peterdewolf: My mom's feet really smell and my step-dad says "milk" funny.

Phronk: That was...sort of the point, I guess. I was hoping that my step-dad would read this post and think, "Oh! Even though she asked me not to read her blog and then I did, she's really uncomfortable about it. Maybe I'll stop." But ya know, that's not likely. Thanks, and I think I'm here for a while. This is home.