13 July 2009

Could I please just meet a boy who doesn't want to wear my skin?

I'm just going to start at the beginning, repetitive though it may be. It's really long. Far too long. But when I sent it to Rebecca (do you ZooLoo? I do!) over at Losing it to see if she could help me edit it down, her response was "You. Cannot. Edit. Any. Of. This." So here it is, in all its glory. Feel free to skim it, peruse it, glance at it, print it out and light it on fire, or not read it at all. I won't hold it against you. There's some really good stuff in here, though. How did all of this happen in two months?

At the end of January, I got dumped by a douchebag of epic proportions. I wrote about it endlessly as if anyone cared. As it turned out, some people did (thanks for your support, guys!). Who knew?

I wasted far too much energy and far too many tears on someone who really never cared about me in the first place.

I closed myself off and shut myself down for a good four months. Then, one day, it was like the light just came on again. I started going out more and hanging out with my friends while not wearing my pajamas. I found some new hobbies. I met some new people. It was great.

Then I ran into Motorboater. We all remember him, right? Very quickly, though we’d only really been out a few times, he got really attached to me. It freaked me out. A lot. The whole time I was saying things like, “I’m not really ready for anything serious” and “Gosh, I kinda think you’re a jackass” and “Gee, no, I really don’t trust you.” And still, it didn’t dissuade him.

Then came the day when he decided to go into weird, slightly psychotic mode. There were phone calls and text messages and he asked me to meet his mom (after like three dates…wtf?). My personal favorite was when he asked me if I wanted to come hang out with him and his mom (no), and I said I had plans to go rock climbing with my friends and then we were going to have dinner. His response? “Cancel that. I haven’t seen you in a week.”

Not bloody likely. (Sometimes I don an English accent when I'm pissed.)

After a couple more calls and texts and some guilt trip about how he didn’t have anyone to talk to because his mom was hanging out with the guy she picked up at the last bar, I agreed to come out for one beer. Then his mom gave that stranger a blow job in front of the bar. And I was done. Stick a fork in me, whatever.

I didn’t hear from him for a while after that, which was fine with me. Then he called me one night, while I was at dinner with my mom. I didn’t call him back. That was the end of it. So I thought.

A week or so later, I ran into him at a bar. I tried to be nice and just sort of friendly let’s let bygones be bygones about the whole thing. But Motorboater? No…he steadfastly refused to speak to me for most of the evening, but while sitting at my table. Ugh. Then he finally left. At 2:00 am, I receive a text about how he didn’t think that seeing me would affect him, but it does and it really sucks when someone tells you they don’t want to get hurt, but then they ignore your calls and act like nothing’s wrong and how he knows that this is what happened to me in my last relationship, so he knows I know how much this hurts.


So my year and a half long relationship is comparable to our three dates? No. Save that drama for your mama (not that she doesn’t cause enough of it on her own.). I’m out.

Then I met this guy and we were friends and I really enjoyed that and then he kissed me and it was nice and we went out once, but I was worried about it ending our friendship so I had to say something and I think I hurt his feelings, but we’re still friends and everything is okay. I hope. (And he reads my blog. Everyone say hi!)

Last week, I was shopping for groceries and this guy sort of…hit on me. Blah blah, he asked me out and he seemed cool, so I said yes. We had a really great first date. Like really great. Movie first date great. We had a really great first kiss. Like really great. Better than movie first kiss great. (Of course the next day, via text message he FREAKED me out by telling me he felt like we were involved and asking me if I felt the same…wtf? After what follows, you can totally come back up here and say, “Uh, shine? RED FLAG!” and you will be completely right and I will buy you a beer. Or a cupcake.)

And I got excited. About a boy. We hung out a couple more times. I decided to overlook that he was wearing crocs, for crying out loud…who does that? Plus, he was a smoker. Still, I was excited. Our second date was also good. Then we had our third date. It can only be described as awkward with a touch of defensive. I’m not sure what happened, but the whole time we were at dinner, things were just…off. He told me stories I wouldn’t tell someone I was trying to impress, he quizzed me on music (Because he knew I had dated a couple of musicians and he’s a musician, blah blah. Oh, by the way, I’m DONE with musicians. I hope…), and generally acted in a bizarre fashion.

Oh, I should mention here that he also had this thing for asking me what I was thinking. Do boys outside of high school still do that? I thought you men were all about not knowing what we’re thinking. And this wasn’t just like hey we’re sitting in silence for five minutes and you have this pained expression on your face so I’m going to ask you what you’re thinking because it seems like I should. This was like hey we’re kissing, but now I’m going to pull back and ask, “What are you thinking?” or say, “Penny for your thoughts…” Yeah, in that moment, you don’t want to know what I’m thinking. Trust me. It’s about what an idiot you are, though.

If I want you to know what I’m thinking, I’ll tell you. Does it seem to anyone that I have a problem saying what’s on my mind?

Also, if he texted me mushy crap like “Miss you, XOXO” I didn’t really respond (Because ew). Then a few minutes later I would get a text about how I didn’t respond. Usually fairly defensive in nature. “So I guess no hugs and kisses from you?” Ugh. I don’t really play that crap. It’s weird and stupid and I don’t get it. WHEN I’VE KNOWN SOMEONE FOR A WEEK. I don’t actually miss you, yo. So I’m not going to lie.

Then his roommate came home and everything sort of went into the shitter. It was already teetering on the edge, anyway. Then his incredibly conservative, incredibly republican, incredibly aggressive roommate gave me the third degree for an hour and a half. And he (my date) said the words “Obama is a complete fucking idiot.”

Sure, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. But really? Obama’s a complete fucking idiot? I just don’t think so. I refuse to sit and be attacked about my politics by people I barely know. Hell, I refuse to discuss politics with anyone.

I grimly muscled through it and about 15 more what are you thinkings and the next day, I promptly called my bestest mcbestest friend in the whole wide world and the love of my life (it’s really too bad neither of us is a man), Cheese, to discuss. We decided that he definitely lost points and that I was probably going to have to end it.

I was in favor of just letting it fizzle out. After all, we’d only known each other for a week and it wasn’t like we were friends or anything. But oh, no.

Every Monday night, after I work for 12 hours straight, I meet my mom for dinner. We’re trying to have a relationship and stuff. I guess while I was at dinner, he texted me, “Thinkin bout ya! :-)” I know there’s nothing wrong with that, per se. But we’ve only known each other a week and that’s the 37th such text I’ve received. It’s just a little much for me.

After dinner, I called Cheese and we talked while I drove home. Then I downloaded and installed the latest update for my phone (Hello, texting in landscape, you sexy beast!), which took a good half hour. Then my phone rang. Him again.

“Hi. Miss you. What are you doing?”

It’s 11:00 pm on Monday, I’m in my bed. Duh.

“You know, when I text you, it’s totally okay if you text me back. It’s not going to freak me out.”

At this point, I’m pretty sure me skinning a live animal in front of you wouldn’t freak you out. I let out a big sigh and explained that I was busy and shit.

We got off the phone and I went to sleep thinking, yeah, that’s over.

Wednesday, while I was at work, he called me. I didn’t answer BECAUSE I WAS AT WORK. He left me a message, “Uh, hey. It’s me. Give me a call if you don’t mind.”

Five minutes later, he texted me: Hey you! Any chance u may be able to hang after jits 2nite?

Thirty minutes later: Guess u r 2 busy 2 talk 2 me. Drop a line when u can if u don’t mind. Thanks.

(Can I just mention here how much I hate this kind of text? Unless you're phone is old, I see no reason that you can't type out at least most of the words. It takes me forever to translate and it gives me a headache.)

Two hours later: Is everything ok? Not like you to not respond. (To which I kind of wanted to scream “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS ‘LIKE’ ME!)

Three hours after that: Well…Hope u r ok.

Then at 11:00 pm, a minute and a half long voicemail including crap like, “I just want to make sure you're okay and you're safe and I haven't done anything to piss you off...just please call me and let me know you're okay, sweetie."

So, okay, with no response from me whatsoever, he called twice, left me two voicemails, and texted me four times. By this point I was so twitchy and annoyed about the whole thing, I didn’t even want to talk to him. Had it been one phone call or one text message (maybe even two texts), I would have gotten in touch with him and we would have proceeded with the fizzle.

Instead, at this point, I’m kind of concerned that he’s going to make a suit of my skin and wear it to feel pretty.

This morning, I sent him the following text:

I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I didn’t have my phone with me yesterday, and coming home to two phone calls, two voicemails, and four text messages is way too much, way too fast for me. I’m sure that you’ll find someone who will be thrilled with this level of attention, but that someone is not me. I just don’t see a future for us.

Which I think is damn near crystal clear (The Mole thinks I was far too nice). Not that I expected him to just deal and move on…since clearly he’s crazy.

He usually sleeps really late, so I wasn’t exactly expecting a response right away. I knew I was going to get one, mind you, just not in the next minute or two.

So I get this text:

Please don’t do this. I am very sorry that it was too much. I was genuinely concerned. I care and it gets the better of me when I worry. Please don’t end this…it just got started.

Ugh. First of all, no, you weren’t genuinely concerned. You were worried you had pissed me off, sure. But I’m a grown-up. Not returning a text message for a few hours is not a sign of death. Just a sign that I’m either a) busy, or b) don’t really want to talk to you. Either way, I’ll get back to you when I’m ready and pushing it is only going to make me want to talk to you less. Second of all, seriously, it’s been a fucking week. Get over it.

Then, before I even really had a chance to respond, which I didn’t think I particularly owed him anyway, since I had made myself clear, I get this text (we’re talking about maybe two minutes later…and again, I’M AT WORK):

Wow…No response to my feelings. Ok. Guess there is nothing I can say to change your mind. Thanks for the very little time we shared. Sorry to burden you with my care. Have a good one.

Boo fucking hoo is about all I have to say to that. Also, “Sorry to burden you with my care” is an INSTANT CLASSIC and I will be using it all the time. (Rebecca's reaction: also, sorry to burden you with my care is so awesome, i want to sew it on a pillow, stain it with my own blood and send it to someone. Hell, yeah. Sounds like a Christmas present to me.)

UPDATE: I received yet another text from him: I really wish you would reconsider. I thought we had a good thing starting between us.


Jeff said...

I want to write a song now, entitled "Care Burden", but I don't think I have enough eyeliner to pull it off.

Phronk said...

I totally read this whole thing.

You know, if this had happened over a longer time span, like if you'd been dating a month and there was a day between text messages, then I'd be saying you're being too hard on him and he sounds perfectly nice (if not a little too clingy). The actual content of what he said (minus the Obama shit) seems fine. But damn, just one after the other like that, it's psycho. Like he's stuck on fast forward or something. How the hell do you attract these people?

mysterg said...

I love the fact you dumped him by text after all the text messages he sent you. Live by the sword, Die by the sword! said...

Have you checked behind the bushes in your front yard? He might be back there "caring" right now. ps- if Rebecca does sew it on a pillow and stain it with her own blood will she PLEASE send it to me???!!!!!!!

Travis said...

i hte msgs like ths 2.

For real. Type it out.

Darlin, this is can't find a decent man lame. You ever considered a mail order thing? Maybe someone who doesn't really understand texting?

Erin said...

Oh my god, if you lived anywhere near me I would swear that you had managed to find the guy my fiance and I let live with us after his wife kicked him out (he was our friend at the time but is not anymore). This sounds exactly like how he would act!

Also the politics thing really is annoying. I am marrying into a family of conservatives and I get treated like the guy's roommate treated you whenever we see any of my fiance's family with a little bit of "people like you are why our country is ruined" thrown in.

Jay Ferris said...

I think there's an iPhone app for this situation.

Life in the Cube said...

That guy gives me the creeps and I'm not even the one getting the text messages. Sorry you got a psycho one.

Lemmonex said...

Men who beg make sawdust in my panties. Jesus. Good riddance.

Losing It said...

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA this is even funnier the second time around!

adriana said...

PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!! Where did that guy come from!? Oh my gosh talk about clingy... I am so sorry you had to deal with this douche!

What is it with guys? Most of them are all normal, and take what you tell them at face value, and then you have guys like "mama's boy" and "obama hater" who just don't get it. I hope they both leave you alone at this point! Gosh!

~Cardboard Sea~ said...

Ho-ly shit. I don't know what to say. Well, now that I think of it, I have an anecdote:

There was this guy in high school who asked me out AT the homecoming dance. Because I'm an insecure idiot, I accepted because no one has asked me out before. However, all he wanted to do was make out in the corner, so I got creeped out and told him, "Maybe we should get to know each other better before we date."

Next thing I know, he's found my parents' phone number (I had my own line at the time. Lame? Yes.) and is calling me every night, I guess in an attempt to "get to know me."

Oh, and there was that nasty bit of business where he was stalking me to school every day.

So, the end of the tale goes like this: He leaves a note on my desk in English which read, "Jennifer, there's a whole (sic) in my heart where you left me. But I love you and would take you back to fill that whole."

... we "dated" for three hours.

I turned in my desk to face him, looked him in the eye, crumpled the letter, tossed it in the trash can and spit in it.

LiLu said...

Dying. Laughing. DYING.

Trying to feel bad that you went through that.

Can't. Too funny.

Sorry to burden you with my nonpity.

Joanna said...


Oh, oops. Sorry to burden you with my amusement. That is the most passive aggressive nancy-boy guilt-trip-attempting bullshit I've ever heard. And in text form, to boot. A+, Mr. Buffalo Bill. Good work.

I was going to comment on the part about the "no hugs and kisses from you?", because, seriously, who says that? No, motherfucker. No hugs for you because you sound like a whiny douchebag. But then I got to the end and that trumps all else. What a jackass.

I'm sorry. You are so irresistable. I'm sure that when you think you're being clear and adult, they think you're being coy and "The Rules"-y, playing hard to get, and all. You can't win. Become a nun or a hermit, it's the only way.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

That was horrifying and hilarious all at the same time. How do two people ever hook up and be happy in this world when everyone is just a different kind of crazy? Damn cell phones and email and answering machines make it to easy to say things that if you could you would take back the instant they come out of your mind. Neediness is next to smugness on my list of unatractive qualities.

John Smith said...

So I guess after reading just one post it's too soon to say I love you? I hate text messages. It's impossible not to look like an idiot in one and people get way too wrapped up in how people respond/don't respond. Oh, and mom blowjob? Eh? Not to mention why is he hanging out with his mom all the time. There's just too many mindblowing things to wrap my head around it all.

Cheryl said...

So I'm totally skimming this post, but not because I don't want to read it, but beecause I'm sneaking it in when I'm supposed to be working on something important, which doesnt make sense to me because what could be more important than blogging. But in any case, I reallly hate text messages, and kids that hang out with their moms all the time. Like, grow a penis.

Rachel said...

Um. Did all the men in the world suddenly grow vaginas? Seriously. I thought women were supposed to be the clingy, over-zealous ones. At this rate, I'm considering just going full on lesbian -- maybe that's the only way to date someone with some balls.

Also, I could have written this post myself. Fuckin' men. Call me when you grow a pair.

Daniel said...

Jesus tapdancing Christ. I love that sewn-pillow idea. I have to put my hands up and say I've misread signals in the past and freaked people out by 'moving too fast'. Maybe twice. But I think I managed to hold on to at least a shred of dignity while doing it. Plus the circumstances were a bit different; if a girl sleeps with me I'd like to think she likes me enough to go out for a drink. But anyway, I'm not crying myself to sleep anymore.

If you hear any more from this guy may I suggest you move states, or at least get a decent set of bullbars.

rs27 said...

When we go on a date I'll only text every 35 seconds. Don't want to be a burden.

shine said...

Jeff: Win!

Phronk: I'm pretty convinced there's a "Please Proceed" sign on my ass that only creeps can see.

msyterg: You know it! Can I just call you Kim now? Also, you're going to have to get in line behind me for the pillow because right? Awesome.

Travis: Mail order. That's an interesting idea.

Erin: I'm seriously scared of your fiancee's parents. If I stop hearing from you, I'm sending out a search party.

Jay Ferris: How can there not be?

Life in a Cube: So I shouldn't give him your number?

Lemmonex: Can we please make that a T-shirt. Like now.

Losing It: I'm here for your entertainment.

adriana: Common consensus? All men have grown giant vaginas while we were looking.

Cardboard Sea: That? Is awesome.

LiLu: You have to live vicariously through someone, since you're all over there in happy relationship bliss.

Joanna: I can't be a hermit. And I like sex too much to be a nun. I HAVE NO OPTIONS!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness: You just have to meet someone with a compatible crazy.

John Smith: You can tell me you love me if you want. I'm quite lovable, actually. Just expect me to respond, "Aw, you're sweet."

Cheryl: I never expect you to read 2000+ words in detail, woman, you live in hell! But thanks for stopping by, and I'll tell every man I know to "grow a penis."

Rachel: I agree. But I don't really wanna get sticky. IfyouknowwhatImean.

Daniel: I don't know what bullbars are, but they sound exciting.

rs27: I would mess my panties if I ever got even one text from you. Duh.

Alice said...

AHHHHHAHAHAAAA. we apparently date the same people. we should definitely never go out to pick up men at the same time, or one of us would totally end up locked in a serial killer's basement because he loves to "collect pretty things."

Singlegrrrl said...

Jesus H. Christ. This guy is insane. I'm sure you're uber loveable and we'd all be obsessed with you if we knew you, but seriously, I HATE this kind of crap.
Also, "Don't want to burden you with my care" ??? I'm writing a song with that as the title and auditioning for America's Got Talent.

Just A Girl said...

Maybe if he'd said "I don't want to burden you with my massive penis" it would have been ok. I mean JESUS CHRIST. Back. The. Fuck. Off. The pillow though? Priceless. That's 100% amazing.

Also, preeetty sure we've dated like, 3 of the same guys in the last year. Weeeeird.

shine said...

Alice: I'm scared of that possibility.

Singlegrrrl: I hate to say this, but...the song has been written. And published. And it's HILARIOUS.

Just A Girl: Right? I'm cool with being burdened with a massive penis. I'll put you on the list for a pillow. Also, maybe we should check with each other before dating in the future...

Anonymous said...

She puts the lotion in the basket

Crystal said...

Oh. My. God.

I think I dated that guy. Was he also blind in one eye and said eye would start creeping back up into his brain around 9pm every night while the other one stared adoringly at you?

Anonymous said...

Great site - thank you very much, made me think about

beautiful russian brides
top adult dating site
rate russian brides
pretty girls russian
best free dating sites - brides russian - military dating sites - tua2 russian brides - lena june russian bride - russian girls models