26 March 2009

A letter to the new girl.

New girl,

I inadvertently stumbled upon your blog a while back. I didn't know (though I suspected) who you were at the time. Your blog about 2008 really touched me. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

"I've learned a great deal in the past year, but the most important lesson I've learned is to listen to my gut. It's almost always right. Whether it's telling me I'm hungry or to run screaming in the other direction away from that guy I agreed to go on a second date with, I need to listen to it. It knows. My heart gets in the way of what my gut tells me, and that's been my problem for years. For now, my heart is locked away for safe-keeping and whenever someone worthy steps up, then my gut will tell me that it's ok to let my heart out to play."

Please consider this: My name is "your gut." You should run screaming in the other direction away from the guy you're dating.

Having said this, I realize you will likely ignore me because you think that I am crazy and bitter and that you're special and things will be different for you than they were for me. But they won't. And this is not to say that you're not special. I'm sure that you are. I am. But your specialness doesn't change anything for him.

Keep in mind that you started dating him probably less than a month after he broke up with me. We had been together for a year and a half. He cannot be alone, as much as he tells himself that alone is what he wants. And he will only hurt you.

He chooses to live his life in such a way that he will never be attached to anyone. He will never be dependent on anyone for anything. And when he feels like he's getting attached, he will run. I advise you this: do not chase him. He's not worth it.

He puts on a very good show and he is interesting and smart and has a pretty good sense of humor, but it's all a show. He is not a happy person. He lies to himself so frequently and about so many things that even though he claims to hate lying (and he probably believes what he says to you), you will find little truth in his words when push comes to shove.

He believes that it is enough just to say things. It isn't. His actions speak far louder than his words, and they will tell you the real truth.

I know that when he looks at you, you feel special...I did too. I know that you think that he's different because he likes your curves. I know that he makes you feel like he cares about you. And maybe he does, but it's not in a way that is worthy of you, new girl. He will never put anyone before himself and his own comfort.

When he tells you that he "comes from a long line of alcoholics," he means it. And he is an alcoholic. A real one. He doesn't really think that it affects who he is or his actions, but it does. He can be very (non-physically) abusive when he's drunk.

I loved him openly and completely and with my whole heart, new girl. And it wasn't enough. Nothing is enough. He walked away from me, and I fought to get him back. When I did that, I lost me. Because I fought so hard for someone who wasn't worth my love. And it changed me. Even the day that I met you, a little part of me wanted to believe him when he said that he would never want to hurt me intentionally. But that day he did, as he had so many times before. And I don't believe him any more. I don't believe in him any more.

It's unlikely that you will read this, I know. And probably that's for the best. I know you won't listen. I wouldn't listen to anyone. Not even myself. But just ask yourself this: do you really want to be in my shoes? Forever changed for having given your heart to someone doesn't deserve it and will never appreciate it. He's good at saying the right thing (sometimes...not all the time). But watch for his actions. The truth is there.

Anyone who can refuse to speak to someone after finding out she's pregnant with his child is either still in high school or a real and true asshole. I don't know you, but I know that he is not worthy of you. I'm sure that if you know anything about me at all, he's told you that I am crazy and bitter or some semblance of those words. And I can admit that I'm pretty bitter right now. But I'm not crazy, just hurt. Very very hurt. I have every right to be. I haven't even for a minute behaved in any way that is unlike someone who has just had her heart shattered. I have had good days and bad days. The day I met you was a very bad day, full of hurt. Just think for a few minutes about what it says about him that he brought you, new girl, to hang out where he knew I'd be. He knew it would hurt me and he did it anyway. I told him I was uncomfortable and he made fun of me to you (yeah, I heard that) and then continued to stay instead of walking away.

Everything else that happened is just breakup stuff. But turning his back on me when he found out I was pregnant is unforgivable. I didn't want to be pregnant. I had taken all the precautions. He actually had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't have wanted to tell him because he was "already freaked out enough." So I should have just handled it on my own, ya he could continue to be selfish and uncaring. For some reason, I wasn't supposed be hurt by him quitting on me. I wasn't allowed to be angry. I wasn't supposed to do anything to make him uncomfortable, even though he had just broken my heart. How nice it would have been of me to just fade off into the background so he wouldn't have to see how much he hurt me.

Just a few short days after we broke up, after he had hurt me more than almost anyone in my life ever had (until, that is, he hurt me more), I wrote a blog. For that, he was angry with me. Because I hurt him. I wasn't allowed to be angry with him, you see, because he never does anything wrong. If you stay with him long enough, it's a pattern you'll recognize. Should you ever decide to question him or his behavior, he will turn things around, make it all about you, and then make you feel guilty for questioning him in the first place. It's a fun little game to play. I mean, he's probably told you he's an asshole anyway, right? What else can you expect? Then he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his actions because he warned you. I felt so bad about that blog, that I wrote an apology. Like I had done something wrong for expressing my anger. And frankly, every word of that angry blog is true. Every word.

Keep all of this in mind as you move forward, new girl. I hope that you are stronger than I am. Remember that anyone who doesn't respect you and can't handle you being yourself and doesn't put you on the same importance level as himself doesn't deserve your time. Or your tears. So when he walks, let him go.


Antje Spethmann said...

Pretty remarkable clarity here, girl. Strong writing.
Now print it out and burn it. And remember the cleansing effects of fire... and the rebirth!
I love you!

Anonymous said...

Fire works on houses too. And apartments. And condos. And people.
I'm a people person, personally.