Instead, I think I'll just be a piece of shit.

I really don't think there's a whole lot to this "good person" thing. So I think I'll skip it.

I mean, okay, I'm not going to run around killing small animals and children or anything, but it seems to me that being a good and kind and caring person gets you nowhere. Whereas being a complete piece of shit is just a happy place.

My piece of shit ex-boyfriend started dating someone else less than a month after we broke up. This weekend, he's taking her on a camping trip that we were supposed to go on together (with a big group of people). Because, you know, she means that much to him. I decided not to go, as I didn't want to watch him fuck people in front of my face. This was before I realized the new girl was going. Although, yeah...it still applies.

So here's my question: why does he get to be all happily dating someone new, while I'm still living in crazy land because I'm so hurt over the breakup of a relationship that clearly meant nothing to him? Because he's a piece of shit?

Ah, good. Then I want to be one, too.

Of course, he judges me and acts like I'm insane every time I do something that he deems less than perfect, but it's totally okay for him to parade his new girlfriend around in front of me, kissing her and rubbing on her and shit. But the second that I decide okay, I'ma get drunk (and this was St. Patrick's Day...everyone was drunk), I'm the one who's ridiculous. It was a dick move.

And here I am, sitting in my bed, writing this blog, thinking, "Does he love this girl? How can our relationship mean nothing to him? How can I mean nothing to him? How can he just pretend like none of it ever happened?"

But there are no answers to these questions. He can be all of those things because he's a piece of shit. But I'm the one who's sad. So the joke's on me.

After we broke up (and I mean three weeks after, because for the first three weeks he refused to speak to me because of his "anger." Yeah, he's the one who broke my heart, but whatever.), we had a long talk and he said a lot of things. A lot of nice things, even. Then he proceeded to act exactly like that never happened. And he doesn't even understand why I would have any trouble believing anything he says, since none of his actions match up with his words. Sure, it's easy to say, "I would never want to hurt you intentionally." But then if you go and do that...which am I to believe?

So I'm tired of being the one who gets stepped on. I'm tired of being the one who does the right thing (okay, not always...we all have bad days. St. Patrick's Day was a doozy.), who is the bigger person. Fuck looking at myself in the mirror tomorrow, I'm done. It's my turn to be a piece of shit. It looks like a happier place.