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03 April 2009

Instead, I think I'll just be a piece of shit.

I really don't think there's a whole lot to this "good person" thing. So I think I'll skip it.

I mean, okay, I'm not going to run around killing small animals and children or anything, but it seems to me that being a good and kind and caring person gets you nowhere. Whereas being a complete piece of shit is just a happy place.

My piece of shit ex-boyfriend started dating someone else less than a month after we broke up. This weekend, he's taking her on a camping trip that we were supposed to go on together (with a big group of people). Because, you know, she means that much to him. I decided not to go, as I didn't want to watch him fuck people in front of my face. This was before I realized the new girl was going. Although, yeah...it still applies.

So here's my question: why does he get to be all happily dating someone new, while I'm still living in crazy land because I'm so hurt over the breakup of a relationship that clearly meant nothing to him? Because he's a piece of shit?

Ah, good. Then I want to be one, too.

Of course, he judges me and acts like I'm insane every time I do something that he deems less than perfect, but it's totally okay for him to parade his new girlfriend around in front of me, kissing her and rubbing on her and shit. But the second that I decide okay, I'ma get drunk (and this was St. Patrick's Day...everyone was drunk), I'm the one who's ridiculous. It was a dick move.

And here I am, sitting in my bed, writing this blog, thinking, "Does he love this girl? How can our relationship mean nothing to him? How can I mean nothing to him? How can he just pretend like none of it ever happened?"

But there are no answers to these questions. He can be all of those things because he's a piece of shit. But I'm the one who's sad. So the joke's on me.

After we broke up (and I mean three weeks after, because for the first three weeks he refused to speak to me because of his "anger." Yeah, he's the one who broke my heart, but whatever.), we had a long talk and he said a lot of things. A lot of nice things, even. Then he proceeded to act exactly like that never happened. And he doesn't even understand why I would have any trouble believing anything he says, since none of his actions match up with his words. Sure, it's easy to say, "I would never want to hurt you intentionally." But then if you go and do that...which am I to believe?

So I'm tired of being the one who gets stepped on. I'm tired of being the one who does the right thing (okay, not always...we all have bad days. St. Patrick's Day was a doozy.), who is the bigger person. Fuck looking at myself in the mirror tomorrow, I'm done. It's my turn to be a piece of shit. It looks like a happier place.

12 comments:

Losing It said...

Ok first of all, if you're still reading her blog, STOP IMMEDIATELY. You're not doing yourself any good and I'm sure the salt you're slathering on those wounds doesn't feel so great.

Second of all, from what I can gather, you are an AMAZING person. It sounds cliche, but you seem like such an awesome, witty, smart, lovely lady and that cocksucker never deserved to have someone like you in his life. Ever.

The hurt you're feeling blows monkey balls. I know, I've been there in a very similar situation. But I also know that, eventually, the hurt goes away and you begin to see that you are SO SO SO SO SO much better off without him.

One more thought: why waste time hurting over that thunder cunt when you know that there's a fantastic man out there, just waiting to meet you? Keep being a good person, it's worth it in the end, trust me. Plus, I think deep down, underneath all that snark, you're a good person anyways and would fail at being a piece of shit. You can't cover up nice.

This comment is to make up for the fact that I live nowhere near you and can't take you out for a beer.

Chin up, missy, it's going to be ok in the end, honest. Fuck him.

shine (the artist formerly known as meshealle) said...

No need to worry, I am not reading her blog. I read it once, on a sort of accident. I didn't realize who she was. Nuff said.

I'm just having a shit day.

I am awesome and I already know I'm better off without him, but it doesn't take the sting out of feeling like you don't mean anything to the person you loved so much. Ya know?

I am a good person and trying to be a piece of shit would, in the end, be a giant ball of FAIL. I'm just tired of feeling like his piece of shitness always goes unchallenged. He gets off scott-free while I suffer.

And yeah, when I'm having a bad day, I tend to diary mode blog about it for all the free therapy from strangers who live nowhere near me and thus cannot take me out for a beer. :-)

Thanks. Believe it or not, it helps to hear the kind words of a stranger. And it never hurts to hear that I'm awesome!

Kelly said...

That sucks! If it makes you feel any better, my ex-boyfriend married the girl he dated before me. Apparently (only assuming, but come one) they were still seeing each other for the three years that I lived with him and OWNED A HOUSE WITH HIM!
Not bitter...
BUT here's the cheerful part, they're divorced now. But still together. They're dumb and it's funny!

Kelly said...

I did not mean "come one" up there. I meant "come on." Duh Kelly, it's called proof reading.

LiLu said...

"Sure, it's easy to say, "I would never want to hurt you intentionally." But then if you go and do that...which am I to believe?"

Actions speak louder than words. Forget this fucknugget, get your girls together, put on some hot ass heels and tease some boys. You'll be right as rain in the mornin. Well, maybe not... but you get my drift.

<3

txsand said...

From what I have read, he seems to be the whole honkin' turdball!

Meg Kathleen said...

I truly believe that piece of shit people get their comeuppance in the end and you being awesome will get what you deserve, which is a nice guy. It's hard to believe when you're in the situation you're in, but it won't always be like this!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

oooo girl, I feel your pain. Don't put up with the DRAMA.

Cheryl said...

Sounds like a real dick.
That's all I've got to say.

Antje Spethmann said...

I just have to say that there was no person with him at Texas Interhash...

adriana said...

What a fuckhead he seems to be! You're probably much better off without him anyway..

I have an ex-bf who was in my "group" of friends. I broke up with him after we dated for only 3 months. He was a total dick and refused to speak to me for about 3 years. A little over the top, if you ask me. We're ok now, 6 years down the road, but good lord.

My current boyfriend? Has nothing to do with that group of friends.

standingonthebrink said...

He sounds like a cunt. I would say more but hearing all the brilliant american slang already used here my english bollockry just won't compare...!