13 March 2009

A Shot in the Dark

A while back I had one of the more bizarre experiences of my life. Possibly the most bizarre, even. Some of my friends play intramural soccer, and it was the night of their last game. I met them at a bar for some drinks afterward. This bar has horrible parking, so I parked my car in the parking lot of a nearby Kinko's.

I had a couple of beers with the guys, and then had to meet some other friends. As I reached my car, a sedan pulled up next to me. The man driving had his window down. At this point, I had my car door open, and I was about to sit down. The conversation that follows is not embellished.

Him: "Can I ask you for directions?

Me: "Sure."

Him: "Can you tell me how to get to The Blah Blah Bar." (Sorry, I don't remember the name.)

Me: "I've never heard of that one. I have no idea where it is."

Him: "Can I compliment you on two things?"

Me: "Um, I guess, but I really have to go."

Him: "Are you Irish?"

Me: "No."

You can see where this is going, I'm sure, so I'll skip ahead and let you know that my hair is not naturally red. I know, I know. Now you're all disappointed. But that's the truth, and I am a truth-teller. Typically. At this point, I'm fairly amused with this fellow. Fast-forward about 30 more seconds in the conversation.

Him: "So I saw you walking to your car in your cute little skirt with your cute little walk, and I had to stop and ask you something."

Me: "For directions?"

Him: "No. I had to ask if there was someone waiting at home for you. Waiting for you to come home in your cute little skirt with your little white thong, so he can pleasure you all night."

Me: "Uuhhh…yeah, I gotta run. Lovely to meet you." Yeah, right. Perv. And I'm not wearing a white thong, but that's neither here nor there, I suppose.

Him: "Can I just ask you one question?"

Me: "You've actually already asked me several questions, and I really have to go."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I just leave? And I should have. Half of me was pretty horrified, but the other half of me was so amused.

Him: "Is your lover well-hung? I know girls with your body type like a man with a big cock because it fits better. I'm guessing he's about 10 or 11 inches."

Me: Speechless. What?

So at this point, I was more worried about my safety than I was amused. So I reached forward to grab the door handle to close my door. As I leaned forward, I could see into this pervy man's car. Yeah, he's not wearing any pants. No pants. And his right arm is moving back and forth in fast motion. Holy crap. I don't want to be too graphic about all this, but…holy crap. He could have squirted me in the eye. Do they have pregnancy tests for that?


PunkyBean said...

OH MY GOD! FREAKKKKKKKK! So yeah, that is scary.

My BFF and I saw two different dudes whacking it in parking lots IN ONE WEEK once! What are the odds?

First was at a Target in broad daylight. He wasn't even in his truck, he was standing in the parking lot with his pants down, using the door to sheild him. And it was pointed right at us. Funny.

Second was like two days later leaving a bar that's parking lot had a really high chain link fence. He was on the other side of the fence buck naked, just whacking and yelling for attention. Funny.

Your experience is funny (especially to me), but scary (for you)!

PunkyBean said...

The verification word I was just givin was MANINGA.

I think that's a new term for pervs whacking it in public. Maninga's!

shine (the artist formerly known as meshealle) said...

Seriously. These men need to get a grip.

Haha. Grip. I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old...but smarter. :-)

I've had an entire day of "that's what she said" humor.

And I totally read "ManGINA" not Maninga. I don't think we can call it that, though. It sounds too much like Man-Ninja. And I don't want to condone the "whackin' it in public" behavior.

rs27 said...

This is one of the greatest things I've ever read.

Antelope said...

I just LOL'ed in the silent cubicle environment that is my work. They already know I'm crazy though, so no worries.

Anonymous said...

Lol, if girls can get pregnant from the eye, I am fucked!

Lucia said...

whooaaaa!!!!That's just wrong!

Graygrrrl said...

apparently this happens all the time. I think I read about it in Newsweek. PS- eww

Mega8815 said...

That is beyond disturbing!!! OMG WTF?!?!?!

Yeah I'd get outta there so fast you'd just see smoke behind me... (might be farts though...) HAHA!!