12 March 2009


Seriously, what is this thing?

Are we really all about big hair these days? I admit, Sarah Palin did inspire a certain extra volume in many a ‘do, but do you really need a tool for that? Women have been doing it with hairspray through the ages.

Personally, I can’t stand a lot of stuff in my hair, so I don’t even own hairspray. I feel about hair goop they way I feel about makeup. It all feels gross and heavy. I’d rather just be natural.

If I did, for some reason, decide that I needed a hump in my hair on the crown of my head, I could certainly get it with only a comb and some hairspray.

Plus, this thing looks like a bizarre, hollow, plastic banana. What if it falls out of your hair? Not quite as embarrassing as springing a leak in one of those water bras that were so popular back in the day, but still. Definitely up there with your man seeing that horrid, form-correcting underwear…which I also refuse to use. Honestly, what good is a little pee hole to me? Those things mean one of two things: 1) I will just pee on my horrid, form-correcting undies and then spell like pee all night, or 2) I will pee on my fingers while trying to make the hole bigger while I’m trying to pee. Either way, it’s not good. Or pretty. Or…sanitary.

My mother bought me some of that crap for Christmas a few years ago, so I inspected it thoroughly before putting it in the back of my underwear drawer. But nothing says, “Honey, I noticed you’ve put on a few pounds” like opening a girdle on Christmas Eve. Thanks, Mom.

Life lesson, ladies: you are beautiful for who you are. Completely without bizarre, hollow, plastic banana hair thingies, water bras, or girdles (but keep showering and using your toothbrush). We are all victims of societies rules about the way things are supposed to be, how we’re supposed to dress, and all that jazz. But let’s make a conscious effort to say, “Fuck you, society. I’m beautiful.”

And okay, I kind of want a Bumpit. What?


PunkyBean said...

Don't you love that you have to pick the color to match your hair? And that there's a HUGE one for "super sexy hair?"

shine (the artist formerly known as meshealle) said...

Yeah. Except my hair is red. Which isn't even an option. There are two...two blonde options and zero red options. Discrimination!

And the Hollywood version for super sexy hair is awesome! But I still can't figure out how any of them stay in place. Is it purely by hairspray?

Toanny said...

I just saw this the other day. Weren't you talking about hair at work? I thought you might be referring to the Bumpit, but forgot to mention it.

(I want one)

Jay said...

I'm pretty sure that's meant to be used on your crotch, NOT your head. Seriously, I saw an ad for one on this Japanese website once. And by me I mean a friend of mine.

shine (the artist formerly known as meshealle) said...

Can we order a couple and live in secret shame, Toanny?

Jay, those Japanese folk come up with some messed up shit. A friend of mine might have seen some scary stuff at the naughty store last weekend. And by a friend of mine, I mean me. :-)