23 July 2009

TMI Thursday - Lock it up

Even though I'm on vacation (sitting at Tougo Coffee in Seattle, having a latte with Brian who runs the place), I thought I would share this little TMI Thursday story with you. Thanks to LiLu for once again encouraging me to make an ass of myself on the internets.

I used to live in this house in the suburbs with a couple of roommates (one of whom was my boyfriend at the time). When we all moved out of the house, I had to move back in with my parents for a little while. Yuck. Love you, Mom!

My neighbors had a little dog named Hunter, or "Hoosty." I have no idea why he was Hoosty, but there it is. Shortly after I moved out, they asked me to dogsit. Of course I was happy to do so. My boyfriend wanted to go to some party with his work people, so we did that first. I soon got tired and wanted to go home, but he wanted to stay out (I used to be kind of a wuss...). He drove me back to the neighbors house and then went back to the party. But he was going to come back and stay with me later.

I put on my cute little white nightie with the little pink flowers. And the matching cute little white panties with little pink flowers. You I would be ready.

Then I walked out into the backyard with Hoosty.

Seems pretty safe, right? But what I had failed to notice (and my neighbors had failed to mention) was that they had the kind of door that appears to be unlocked on the inside, but when you get outside (in your nightie), it is most definitely locked. And then you're stuck outside. In your nightie.

Probably in this scenario, you would stay put. Wait for your boyfriend to get back from the party and let you in, right? I mean, he had a key and everything.

But it was cold. And I had no idea how long I would have to wait.

My parents house was only about two miles away, and I was a little tipsy, so really my only logical choice was to walk. To my parents house. Barefoot. In my little white nightie.

So I set off. I should mention here that my feet are really sensitive. I can't even walk on those aggregate sidewalks. You know, the ones with the little pebbles in them? Yeah, no. Ouch.

Well, between my neighbor's house and my parents house, there was maybe a half mile of sidewalk. I spent most of the walk through the neighborhood on my tippy toes, trying not to step on so much as a twig. Unsuccessfully.

Once I made it out to the main road, I had almost forgotten that I was only wearing my little white nightie. Which maybe covered three-quarters of my ass. And maybe three-quarters of my boobs. Sexy.

All I could think was, "Oh, sidewalk! Glorious sidewalk!"

Then, "Oh fuck. I'm naked."

What choice did I have at that point, though? I was no longer tipsy and really contemplating my course of action. It was a stupid thing to do, but I was already halfway there. The half ahead of me had a sidewalk, where the path back to the house had twigs and rocks and crap. I forged ahead.

It was about midnight and cars were sparse on the road. Two cops passed me, though. You'd think, if you were a cop, you might come to the conclusion that the chick on the side of the road walking barefoot in a little white nightie (in a residential neighborhood) might be having some kind of issue. They did not.

Right about then I heard an odd hissing sound. I looked around, but didn't see anything and then --


Sprinklers. On me. On the side of the road. In my little white nightie. Ugh.

Quickly I was soaked to the bone. And far more naked than I was before.

A pickup truck sped by me on the road. I thought, "Whew. At least he didn't stop." And then I saw his brake lights. He threw his truck in reverse and backed up to my location. The whole time I was chanting, "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" under my breath.

He got back to me and leaned over to roll down his window.

"You look like you've gotten yourself into a bit of a mess. You need a ride, little lady?"

Uuuuhhhhhh. Crap.

"No, sir. I'm good." I meant to do this, obviously.

"Is there someone you could call or something? Do you want to use my phone?"

"YES! Could I please call my 6'5" tall, incredibly buff (this was a lie...) boyfriend and tell him I'll be at my parents house. It's just right up the road."

"Sure. You sure you don't need a ride?"

"No, thanks."

So he let me use his phone and I called and left a message. Then I walked the rest of the way to my parents house, soaking wet and freezing cold. But I made it.

When my boyfriend came to pick me up, we had a "discussion" about how stupid it was to walk to my parents house naked. I had no choice but to agree. I didn't even get any that night.

And I haven't worn that particular little white nightie again.

UPDATE: Upon request and because I forgot initially. My little white nightie possibly looked something like this...but white. And with little pink flowers.


mysterg said...

It could have been worse...for example I sleep naked!

Jeff said...

the nightgown should not be retired! you must take it out and conquer your fears! said...

I love tipsy decisions. They seem so logical (at the time)

Graygrrrl said...

Kinda reminds me of the guy who thought it would be a good idea to jump the fence into my courtyard until he came stomach to stake with the spikes on top. Genius and drunk. So see... It could definitely be worse!

Life in the Cube said...

The things you do when alcohol is in your system.

Just A Girl said...

Oh booze. How I love you for making TMIT possible! Seriously though, I might have made the same choice, except my parents would kill me. And I usually sleep in a tank top and shorts or sweats so maybe I would have been ok...maybe...

Jay Ferris said...

This scene could have just as easily been lifted from a porno and/or horror film.

LiLu said...

I have locked myself out of everything possible, repeatedly. My favorite is the time in college when I smashed in a window to get inside, and then a roommate came home five minutes later...

LiLu said...

P.S. Everytime I see "Cake Wrecks" on your side bar, I think of Cake Farts.

Sarah said...

This is literally my favorite story ever.

Zan said...

You went through all of that and he didn't even give you any?! The audacity of him...smh...

mylittlebecky said...

i am so great at locking myself out of things! never in a white nightie. yowza. :)

Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Now tell me that story again...only slower and can you put some purr into your voice.

Phronk said...

Bwahah, great story. Sometimes I think sprinklers are specifically designed to come on when people walk by, and aim right at them.

Joanna said...

Where are you! I need more stories! How was the rest of the vacation! ?????????????????????