If you're going to advertise a girdle, at least find a person who needs a girdle to model it. Oh, and you get to see my ass.

Generally speaking, I'm not a big fan of the girdle. Sure, I've got some lumpy parts or whatever, but most of the "shapewear" out there tends to just smoosh the fat you're trying to conceal out somewhere else. For instance, let's say I think my ass looks fat in these pants (and no, I would never ask the question. Because if I'm even thinking the question, I probably already know the answer). So I go out and get some "shapewear" to make my ass look slimmer. That's just going to push all my other fat out the top. Ew.

But the thing that kills me the most about this stuff is that they always have some skinny chick modeling it. Because, you know, she needs it. No.

Perfect example? While I was getting ready this morning, I saw this:



Yeah, yeah, I know. There are fat people in there. But the main model? Skinny. In no need of a girdle. Has perfect thighs. I hate her.

Also, my favorite part? The little cartoony re-enactment of what happens when you, dear fat person, put on the girdle thingy. You could look up to 20 pounds slimmer! Notice how the cartoon girl's fat just...disappears! That could be you! No.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way and that model can shove her girdle where the sun don't shine, I'm going to show you my ass.

See, yesterday, I was on my way to meet my climbing buddies, but I really needed a shower. I hopped in and lathered up. As I was shaving my legs, I guess some of my body wash was still on the floor of the tub and I slipped. Hardcore. I was sliding and my ass landed on the soap dish. Now I have this:



Yes, that's a picture of my ass. Don't ever say I don't love you guys. It hurts like hell to sit down.