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23 June 2009

I'm the opposite of a Puma because I'm not preying on anyone.

According to Urban Dictionary, the definition of a cougar is: A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar's victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.


I find this definition more hilarious, though: An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

Okay, I'm not in my 30s or 40s (shut up, I'll be 30 this year, I know). So I'm not a cougar. I dubbed myself a puma, instead. Except, I don't prefer younger men. I don't even know what to do with one. What do you talk to them about? Pokemon? Do you have to cut their meat and feed them? What about diapers?

It seems, however, that younger men prefer me. Who knew? Lately, I've been hit on by a veritable slew (read: three) of younger men. So what's the opposite of a puma? I'm the one being preyed upon.

While I was at the pool this weekend, this kid wouldn't leave me alone. He was a sophomore in college (or some such thing that means he can't even buy his own drinks which doesn't even matter because my Thursday night was ridiculous and I don't want to buy any drinks but I also don't really want to buy someone else drinks, ya know?), majoring in English because he "sucks at science." He kept asking me things like, "Are you here visiting your parents?" and "So where do you go to school?"

Then he asked me what lethargic means (for his homework, ya'll). I told him to get a new major.

If you're going to be 20 and hit on me, at least be a non-smoking smart person.

18 comments:

Travis said...

As a young guy myself, (not under 25, but 26) I can tell you that I love a good game of capture the flag. Even more so when I was younger. You are the flag right now. This leads to unwanted attention, and in the case of your English majoring friend, monkey guarding of the flag. What you have to do is present a new flag. Tryna make the other flag a chick won't work. What you should say is, "I've hidden my bra somewhere in this room. When you find it, bring it back, and I'll funk your brains out right here on the bar. But, if you talk to me before you find it, no deal."

If your problems don't go away then, switch to panties. If that doesn't work, tell them you're out looking for a father figure to help raise your son while his dad's in prison. Shit, that'd make me run.

Lucia said...

Your post was funny! Don't worry about age, the 30's the new 20's! I'm 44 for god's sake the only time I feel 44 is after drinking...lol.
I wonder if Travis is 26...sounds mature and interesting.

headbitingprincess said...

I like Travis' refernece to flags he he he ha !!!!

Just A Girl said...

Oh lord I'm only 24, but I hate that. I get the ones who are 18 and think they have "game" and that game=yelling across a parking lot at a girl. And honestly, I'm not even interested in someone who's a couple years younger than me. We're in totally different places, generally. It just doesn't work.

Travis said...

I assure you that I am 26. The reason I sound amazingly mature, is that I have been married for 6 of those years. I'm an observer now... I see horny people...

Jeff said...

I've been thinking about it all day, and I think the opposite of a puma/cougar is...wait for it...the Normal Girl at the Bar! I was a bartender for many years, and if it wasn't for men trying to score, I don't think booze would have been invented in the first place.

Losing It said...

Listen, you, you're only as old as you feel, and you seem pretty spring chicken to me! Enjoy the fact that you can get 'em young, dumb and pretty while you can!

Daniel said...

I saw a lot of evidence of monkey-flagging in San Diego a couple of days ago. Soooo many brattish college kids. Sorry guy but last time I checked, English accent beats pukka shells and board shorts, hands down.

Got off topic slightly there. But I'm wondering, are cougars proud of their tag? I mean, the initial high of having a live fratdouche in your bed I can understand. But beyond that? I don't know.

I was cougar-prey once, and I was definitely her dirty secret. Although I didn't have to give her my number, did I? I was vaguely disturbed though, when I saw she had wood-cut letters spelling 'Live Forever' on her bedroom wall, and invited me on holiday with her teenaged kid.

adriana said...

Well, at least you know you've still got it!

Seriously, though? He didn't know what "lethargic" meant?? Automatic fail, no matter what his age.

Alice said...

oh man. those guys don't hit on me long, because i can't keep the pitying looks and audible snorts at their attempts hidden.

Antje Spethmann said...

shine = the opposite of lethargic.
I say fuck 'em all. You've got us for companionship and conversation....

mallorywrites said...

I'm pretty sure the opposite of a puma is a bunny rabbit. So watch your feet.

shine said...

Travis: Hilarious! Think it would work?

Lucia: Oh, I'm not worried about age.

headbitingprincess: Travis is pretty clever. I'm the flag!

Just a Girl: I usually just laugh at them.

Travis: They're everywhere.

Jeff: That may be the first time anyone has called me normal in a long, long time. Thanks!

Losing It: But really...what do you do with them? Aside from the obvious, I suppose...

Daniel: An English accent wins out over a LOT. Except in England I'm guessing. I would hazard a guess that some cougars like their tag, and others don't. Wow, that was really diplomatic of me.

adriana: I knew you'd understand!

Alice: Me either. And yet they persist. It's weird. I promise I'm not playing hard to get. I'm actually playing go away.

Antje: You would say fuck 'em all. :-)

mallorywrites: Does that mean lots of sex? Because I don't like babies.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

take it as a compliment!! and then just say RAWR.

repliderium.com said...

I had a little fling with a 21 year old when I was 32 (ok, it was a year but we lived on a ranch in the middle of nowhere so it was alright) Certainly wasn't gonna go anywhere real but it was FUN. (And I seriously think all of his future girlfriends should thank me for teaching him what to do with his tongue.)

shine said...

alexa: Done and done!

Kim: Can I just call you Kim? I just did. And yeah, it's one thing to train 'em. I'm all for that. Someone has to or they'll just grow up to be lazy douchebags like most of the guys our age. I have no idea how old you are, actually, so I'll just say my age.

Phronk said...

I'm 29 but have the maturity of a 21 year old. What kind of a cat does that make you when I hit on you?

shine said...

Fart jokes really never get old, so I'm pretty sure we're in the same place (29 is a good age, no?). So...maybe a kitten? Definitely not one of those freaky hairless cats.