It's Friday, we should break up - Yogurt

Hey yogurt, how's it hangin'? We've been together for a while now, and aside from a falling out when I made you for my sixth grade science project and realized that really...you're just a bunch of rotting milk, we've been pretty happy.

Whether it's fruit on the bottom (how exciting, it's almost like an upside down ice cream treat!), whipped (so light and airy!), custard style (I love you even though you often trigger my gag reflex), or plain (there's really nothing exciting to say about plain), our love affair has endured.

Then came Go-gurt. I mocked you mercilessly. Seriously? Go-gurt (and breaking out the "gurt" part? Not cool.)? Because, ya know, yogurt does have a mobility problem. It's sooooo hard to remember a spoon. You argued that it wasn't your fault. Those manufacturers and brands were trying to market you to kids. And you had to be cool, yo. And still I laughed at you. Yogurt in a squeeze tube? C'mon.

After that it was, "Yogurt! Great as a digestion aid! Keeps you regular!" Probiotics will help you poo. Greeaaattt. That's what I want to think about while I'm enjoying my morning yogurt (with a spoon, geez).

And the woman who has to get all her pants taken in because she ate delicious yogurt in flavors like white-chocolate strawberry and key lime pie? She's really annoying. Although I sort of feel for her because her tailor is clearly an idiot. Much like most of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. But really? Your explanation is "I was just outside? And I came in. So take my pants in..."? That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day (it's early).

I was still with you even after all those things, though.

Until yesterday. This? Is just ridiculous. Those kids need to get with the program and leave the '70s hair behind. I know that emo thing was popular for a while (we're all past that, right? Good.), but it's over now and we would all appreciate you not bringing back the '70s again. Some people have already lived through that twice (for which I pretty much blame Ashton Kutcher). And it wasn't really that cool the first time.

Again, I understand that it's not exactly your fault, yogurt. But I fail to see how on earth crushing a cup of yogurt is even a practical method of eating it. Never mind that it's completely inefficient. Not to mention...JUST GET A SPOON.

The flavor names really kill me. Three of them are violent. Strawberry SMASH! Strawberry-Banana SLAM! Blueberry BLAST! And then...Cherry-licious? Really? That's the best you could do? Licious isn't exciting. Cherry Choke Hold! Cherry Chupacabra! Cherry Chester Cheetah! Oh wait. I guess Cheetos might get mad about that one...

So that's it yogurt. I think we're through. We had a nice run, but you've stooped to a whole new level. And I'm just not down with it.