11 May 2009


Okay, I'm just going to lay out a hypothetical for you. Some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Let's say that last Friday, I was supposed to go to a party. I may not really have wanted to go to this party, so one of my friends might or might not have bribed me with freshly made-at-home mojitos before the party. Upon which I may or may not have agreed to go to the party, as long as someone hypothetically gave me a ride. There and back.

So my friend and I may or may not have accidentally (on purpose) drank an entire gallon of mojitos before the party that may or may not have happened.

At this point, a lot of ridiculous dancing may or may not have occurred. Along with the possible drinking of beer, wine, sangria, whatever we could get our hypothetical hands on.

It's a possibility that there was more dancing after that. Also, I may or may not have ingested a few pepperoni pizza rolls.

My friend's boyfriend, who at this point might have been fairly annoyed and was possibly the most sober person at the party that may or may not have happened, might have gotten us in the car (although, truly, I was definitely less of a pain in the ass, if any of this even happened at all) and driven us to their place.

I quite possibly passed out on the couch because driving home could have been a really bad idea. Within a few minutes my stomach might have started grumbling and I may have gotten up to throw up, only to realize that the bathroom was in their bedroom...and they were too. You know, maybe.

I, then, might have made the brilliant decision that the kitchen sink was a more appropriate place to throw up, if I even had to throw up. However, I probably couldn't find the light switch as this may not have been my kitchen, so I might possibly have completely inadvertently thrown up all over the kitchen. Possibly including the rug on the kitchen floor. And if I threw up, whatever it was might have been red. But there's no way to know.

I may or may not have had the wherewithall to clean up the mess I made, while simultaneously possibly puking in the sink some more. At which point, I might have picked up the rug, rolled it up, and put it with my purse, hypothetically for cleaning.

Hypothetically, I probably would have passed out on the couch for the night and then I might have left in the morning with the rug. Whereupon arriving at my apartment, I probably would have put it in the washing machine for immediate cleaning and then stripped all my clothes off and possibly spent most of the rest of the day watching Food Network. Or possibly reruns of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (maybe).

It's completely possible that I acted like a hypothetical 22-year-old (as my actual 22-year-old self didn't even drink, and that's the only thing in this post that is definitely true). So I ask you this...if any or all of this actually happened, and you were my hypothetical friend (and/or her hypothetical boyfriend) would you still be speaking to me?

If any of this actually happened, I'm throwing out a heartfelt apology to all those present at the party (if indeed there was a party), the kitchen rug (if I did really puke on it), my friend (if I actually have a friend), my friend's boyfriend (if my friend does actually have a boyfriend), the mojitos (if there were any), the pizza rolls (whether or not I ate them), and my dignity (provided that still exists, or if I ever had any).


StarzGazR said...

LMAO!!!! omg i just cracked up at work and was given the side eyes by a few co workers!! LMAO!!

well think of it this way:

you may or may not have just left the possible rug full of possible some type of vomit for your "friend" m if she really did exist and then she could or could not have found vomit all over a possble non existant rug!!

aka-- better that you took it with you then you left that shit there with all your puke!! hehehehe

Jay Ferris said...

Hypothetically, those who know you should already be aware of what you are hypothetically capable of, thus ensuring that they will never forgive you.

adriana said...

Hypothetically, your friend would still be your friend, as she was hypothetically responsible for the hypothetical mojitos. :-)

Meg Kathleen said...

Hypothetically, I would still be speaking to said hypothetical friend. If I stopped speaking to people because of booze induced vomiting I would be friendless.

LiLu said...

Ohhhhh, been there.

I'm sure a dozen boxes of pizza rolls will right any wrong. :-)

Killer B said...

Is this a Zen riddle, or something? All this metaphysics has me really confused...

shine said...

It's a good thing we'll never know if any of this really happened!

Kelly said...

Hypothetically, I am guessing that rug really tied the room together. Very undude.

Anyway, I wouldn't be mad! At least you tried to clean it up!

the willis said...

Hypothetically, I may or may not be the friend in the story. And I may or may not have been the most obnoxious person at said party, the latter half of which I may or may not be able to remember.

The blog post was hilarious enough to make up for multiple puked on carpets. I guess I still love you...