Wednesday Wipeouts

Well, folks, I told you to enjoy them while they last!

Here's your last installment of Wednesday Wipeouts.

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Subject: Hi

Hi, I love to get know, looking for new friend to hang out with and have good time.



I'm pretty sure this guy is from the United States, and therefore should speak English.

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No Subject

you look fun,and i want a new friend.what do you say


Translation: I'd like to make the sexy time with you, wanna do it?

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No Subject

that firey red hair, those sparkly green eyes, an unquenchable thirst 4 guinness - I think I'm in LOVE!

seriously, u want to elope? dead serious, just try me!!

Um...no. Also, I'm pretty sure my eyes aren't green. But whatever.

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Subject: We are not alike and I like that!


Hello!

I love your picture! That first one which you label as the face you usually make in pictures! What a delightful image. If you don't reply to this, at least know that you gave me a nice smile at the end of a hectic day.

OK... we're not a lot alike, but I think that might bring out better things.

For instance, I know almost nothing about sports... but if you like sports (especially football), I wouldn't mind having you tell me what's going on... or simply sit along with you and watch you enjoy the things that have meaning to you.

I, on the other hand, love movies. All kinds of movies. I love chick flicks and zombie movies and science fiction and drama and action and super hero and period pieces and... well... I can't always explain what I'll like in a movie. Sometimes... badly written movies will turn me off utterly... but sometimes, I'll see a movie that's badly written, but something about it will be charming and BANG... I'll have a good time.

I'm overweight, sure... but I'm trying to exercise and be more fit... and I imagine that someone with a more active exercise program might help motivate me to work harder... though right now, what I'm doing is taking its toll... but I know it's all for the best.

I'm not an outdoors person at all... but I would NEVER be the sort to hold you back from the things you enjoy...

However, there's hope here. I also hate smoking, I love to laugh... and while I try to be very polite in public, I can swear like a sailor as well. I like to read, though I'll admit my mind wanders and it takes me longer than I'd like to get through the books I enjoy. Currently, I'm reading a collection of Lovecraft short stories, "A Clash of Kings" by George R. R. Martin, and Obama's book about his father.

My musical tastes are all over the place. I've got indie, alternative, punk, classic rock, classical music, pop, even one or two rap songs, blues and so on and so forth. I would never want to be in a place where there was no music.

If you'd like to talk more... maybe even get together for a movie... please contact me here or at [obviously, I'm not going to let you see his email, but it had "uncle" in it.]

I hope to hear from you!

-[Name]

Truth? This is probably more sweet than anything else, aside from the ellipsis situation. But this is A LOT of information to vomit up when sending a first email to someone.

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And my PERSONAL FAVORITE:

Subject: You

oh, man, you are a nerd of the highest caliber. That whole thing about next gen, well I got you beat on that but I'm not bragging. Oh yeah, and I wanted to call you a poopface. There. I did it. I called a perfect stranger a poopface! Haha!


[weird name that surely wasn't his name, but also didn't match his username]


He called me a poopface. I hope he's proud. His momma clearly raised him right.

~~~oOo~~~

So, as Porky Pig would say, Th-th-th-that's all folks!

This girl is actually dating a man. And it just feels weird to continue to receive emails from strange men all the time, so my dating profile is now disabled. Also, he's been reading my blog (and somehow still likes me...I think his favorite so far was my assplosion), so he's probably reading this. Everyone wave!

Wednesday Wipeouts

Welcome back to another addition of Wednesday Wipeouts!

No subject on this one:

If I were to order off the menu of potential girl friends that would be good for both of us, I would order you. Let me know if there is interest on your part.

[name]

I have to admit, I'm a little confused about how he's planning to pick from a girlfriend menu to satisfy me. It's possible this is sweet, but it sounds a little creepy to me.

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Frankly, this guy takes the cake. Not because of his message, but because of his profile.

Subject: I love your profile and we seem compatible.

You're smart and pretty and like to get around and have fun. I may be a bit older than you have in mind but please at least let me know what you think of my profile. I'd be honored to meet you someday.

[yes, he has a name]

Normally I wouldn't do this, but...I'm going to share a few excerpts from his actual profile. First, he's 55-years-old and looks everyday of it. I'd actually question his veracity at claiming to be so young. Second, I really dislike it when people tell me what I do and don't do. Third, while I don't personally practice polyamory, I have nothing against it. It's just not really for me.

In his self-summary: (This is only one of maybe six paragraphs.)

Note, some of you younger ladies (30's, 40's) may wonder why I'm interested, is it just the usual stereotype reasons? Actually, I think mostly not. Some ladies in their 30's have found me attractive and some have even become girlfriends, they seem to appreciate my maturity compared to the 30 something men they know who they say are like dogs or something... go figure... as for my own interest in women 30-60 who are in good health - having been widowed twice in 3 years gets old, I want someone who's not going to die on me this time - I'm not looking for pity and that may seem a bit selfish, and I'm not the healthiest guy around either, but I think I've paid my dues by now if you know what I mean. Besides, I'm in much better shape and plan to be around for a good long time, I've got too much to do before I go... ;)

What is he doing with his life?

Running my businesses, playing Dungeons & Dragons, playing bass and keyboard at jam sessions, working on various political projects, trying to save money, getting out to meet people and have fun.

The most private thing he's willing to admit here? (This section is INSANELY long. I'm really really really cutting down.)

[...] I'm polyamorous. I am NOT collecting a harem or anything like that but I am open to being blessed with a small number of high-quality loving Long Term Relationships that complement each other, I don't expect any one lady to meet all of my needs. Of course this is mutual, it works both ways, I don't expect to be your only boyfriend either. Polyamory is NOT cheating, it's the opposite of cheating, it's all above board and consensual. This is not about swinging or casual sex, it's about committed Long Term Relationships. It's about love more than sex, although of course responsible safe sex is required as with any relationship. To make poly work requires the same kind of commitment, honesty, understanding, and communication as in a marriage of 2, only more so.

Very few species are naturally monogamous, and humanity is generally not. Monogamy is natural for some people, polyamory for others. People have the capacity to love more than one person. Most people have multiple parents, children, siblings, or friends and love them all; none of them insist on being your only friend or whatever. Why should lovers be any different? Rules? Where do these rules come from?

If any of you think that this sounds immoral, I think that God would disagree with that idea; remember that many of the heroic role models of the Bible had dozens of wives and girlfriends. Of course that was in a sexist Middle Eastern culture; polyamory is the generic, non-sexist version of polygamy and is not oriented toward any specific religion. Just as I have enough love to share with more than one girlfriend, I wouldn't mind sharing you; you too should be able to have more than one lover if that works for you and them. Safe sex of course.

Jealousy is based on insecurity and the idea that if your lover falls in love with another, they'll leave and you'll lose them. With poly, this is not a problem, so jealousy gives way to compersion, in which you share your lover's happiness just as you would a friend's. Yes, it takes getting used to, but it feels so much better in the long run... with poly, you can be lovers and still be friends too [...]

[...] So here it is, yes, I'm poly, and I have a new girlfriend I met here on OKCupid. As I said above, I'm still available for dating, leading to friendships and ultimately, high-quality LTR's. You need not be poly but should be at least poly-compatible; it's up to you whether you also want or have other boyfriends or not (safe sex of course). For example, neither of my last 2 girlfriends wanted any other boyfriends besides me, but they didn't mind sharing me because they could see that I had enough love for both of them. They wanted to meet each other sometime, but never got the chance as one died and the other had to move away due to family issues [...]

[...] I've recently become aware of a possible further need for clarification. Opinions differ in the poly community about such labels as "primary", "secondary", etc. as people understandably don't like to be labelled, and who can really classify love anyway, right? Well, generally, these refer not to the relationship itself or how much love is involved, as these are not really quantifiable, but to the role of the relationship in the person's daily life. Don't get me wrong, my new girlfriend A. and I love each other very much, but this does not get in the way of her relationship with her spice (husband and wife), nor does it prevent me from seeking more relationships for myself. Indeed, her spice felt that her happiness would increase if she had another boyfriend, so they encouraged her to look, and we found each other here on OKCupid. They are happy for both of us. I feel that finding the right primary girlfriend/wife for me will enhance my own happiness (and hopefully yours as well, otherwise it would be pointless), and when I do, A. will be happy for both of us, just as a friend would be. Eventually you might want to meet her, but that's not required [...]

And finally, you should message him if...

[...] The more of these qualities you have, the more I want to meet you, but these are not all required, and close does partially count: white, Asian/Pacific, or Native American; 5'10" to 6'2"; 180# to 240#; voluptuous, soft and cuddly; IQ 130 to 160; religious minority (especially Pagan); libertarian/ancap; entrepreneur; techie; musician; D&D player; nudist; enthusiastic about sex (if and when the relationship gets to that point) and open to different things (not too kinky) [...]

[...] Please don't be offended but we are less likely to be compatible if you: are racist, sexist, homophobic, a religious bigot, etc.; want to preach at me or convert me; are closed-minded or have to always have things your way; are extremely conservative; think that morality cannot exist outside of religion; believe that America is (or should be) a "Christian nation"; believe that Witches are devil-worshippers; are a devil-worshipper yourself; can't stand the idea of dating someone over 250# or over 50 or of a different religion than yours; have significant mental health problems, or severe physical health problems (I'm not cruel, I've just done more than my share taking care of people with these problems and already lost a wife and a girlfriend); are just barely making it from check to check or cannot support yourself most of the time (same as previous note, I'm not greedy, I just don't need another burden); believe that it's commendable to be poor or that it's a sin to be rich or that rich people must be greedy or evil or exploiting the poor; are an addict; are abusive or violent or dishonest or passive/aggressive, or think that "little white lies" are no big deal; are unable to discuss issues or disagreements calmly and rationally; expect me to read your mind; think of abuse as something that men do to women; think that polyamory or open marriage are just forms of cheating and don't want to learn the difference; don't believe in dating and want to quickly move toward a closed, exclusive, monogamous, possessive relationship; believe in no sex until marriage; or are a nazi, communist, fascist, or other totalitarian [...]

I didn't edit any of that except to remove stuff (A LOT of stuff). I would have posted the whole thing, but it made me sleepy to read it.

Wednesday Wipeouts

Sit down, strap in, and hold on for today's edition of Wednesday Wipeouts!

Subject: Hello

You have a very nice profile and you're a very beautiful woman, I like the fact that you don't hold back on cussing sounds kinda crazy but I enjoy a woman who cusses and isn't afraid to offend. Smart ass women turn me on and so do redheads yeah I'm proly to crazy for you but I thought I would email you and find out I'm not looking to have any more kids I've got two that are half grown and I'm done LOL but I'm just looking for a honest, good hearted woman that cusses and speaks her mind when she wants, has her own opinion and doesn't just agree with me right away type, someone who can be my friend as well as lover, someone to walk holding hands with on the beach as well as play wrestle with each other over the last cupcake in the house :)
I laugh and smile all the time it's a brain problem people say...Well holla back if u want to ?

[I know you're surprised that I didn't leave his name here]

Every time you forget a period, someone kills a kitten. You don't want that, now do you?

And in another really fine venture into the creepy:

Subject: You're/your/ur :)

Hey [nope, you don't get to know that either]

Well, you're definitely sarcastic in your profile. And you must be smart since you abhor Nickelback. But I just don't get the feeling that you're very thirsty... Did the 3/4 glass of Guinness that you knocked back not do the trick?

You sound like a lot of fun. And you cuss like a sailor; five aborted attempts in the first 50 words is pretty impressive. I could definitely bring you around my kiddos (it wouldn't surprise me if they actually made you blush!) but how am I going to bring you around my mother? ;)

-[I wonder what his mom's name is, don't you?]

Talking about taking me to meet your children and mother is a good way to freak me the hell out. No thank you.

Wednesday Wipeouts

First let me say this: I'm also helping Jeff over at This is Why Your Hold Time is So Long today. He asked me to come up with the rules of etiquette for the ladies' room. So yeah, you heard it right: Jeff and I put our brains together to give you a list of bathroom rules. I'm scared, too.

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I'm not sure how much longer Wednesday Wipeouts will last, so enjoy 'em while you get 'em.

I particularly enjoyed this message. It came to me from a man with "daddy" in his profile name. And no picture.

Subject: hey there

5 10 160lbs (32" waist) athletic 45yo (eek!!). Clean, ddf and safe, (still married tho separate bedrooms 8 yrs now and an open marriage) courteous :o) non smoking, (though I don't care if you do) open minded, fun English guy (you'll love the accent) living in [you don't need to know], just north of [somewhere] and south of [somewhere else], looking for a mature, longterm, exclusive friend I can spoil, exclusive and hopefully permanently
All the info you need to contact me is here.
Please get in touch if your interested in me despite my dysfunctional life, send a email here or hotmail and I will get in touch.add me on yahoo messenger as [is it bad that I kind of wanted to leave this one in here?]
meet me - u might even like me! lol
I'd love to take you to lunch/dinner/coffee w/e you're more comfortable with. Sometimes older is better :o)
lets exchange some pics if ur interested and open minded enough and then maybe we can meet for coffee
[name]
Hope you have a great weekend!
[phone number] I will ALWAYS reply - if you dont receive one please resend as my cell was prolly powered off :o)
I'm sorry if my email freaks you out - but I simply want to be totally honest and up front from the get go

I know. It's shocking I didn't call him, right?

Also, my dearest Gofahne had me in stitches with tale of a horrible date. While I wish I could share it with you here today, alas, she has to write about it herself. And she's still...traumatized. Let's just say the words "I love my penis" (completely out of the blue) were the highlight of the evening. Well, I mean, aside from it being over.

Wednesday Wipeouts

For your reading pleasure, two more strange or awkward messages I've received on OKCupid. I promise I am in no way editing or making these up. I'm not that creative.

The first begins: Greetings, fellow humanoid!

I must state the obvious, and then it will be out of my system...

Thirty-seven!

*ahem* There, I'm done.

You seem like an interesting member of the earth species known as human and I would like to pick your brain *ahem* have a conversation. By the way, "I may shove my ovipositor tube down your throat and lay eggs in your stomach... But I'm not an alien." (which is perhaps the strangest thing you may have heard on a website geared towards dating)

Archaeology, eh? I'm sorry I don't know more about the subject, although I have a slightly related hobby that when I go to a used book store, I prefer the books that have been written in over a clean one.

Have you actually met someone who doesn't laugh? I've heard of people who "don't vomit", but purposely avoiding a pleasurable social act seems odd.

[redacted], good; doubt in the mythos of the popular, good; getting to have a conversation with you, great if it happens.

--[redacted]

No, but really. He may shove his ovipostor tube down my throat and lay eggs in my stomach. It's in quotes. Is this from a movie?

I'll admit to being completely freaked because 37 is my favorite number and there's no way he could have known that, so...is that also from a movie? If it had been 42, I would have understood. Or even 34. But 37? Anyone?

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These next messages are from the same dude. I must have left myself logged in to OKCupid on a Friday night, while I was out.

(11:09 pm, I'm at dinner with friends)
Subject: hey there

its friday night and we are both online, i was just checkin you out and saw that you are online... wanna chat

(11:10 pm, I'm still at dinner with friends)
Subject: or

maybe meet up and have a guinness somewhere

(11:18 pm, you guessed it, I'm still at dinner)
Subject: reread your profile
getting the idea that the perfect weekend would involve watching crank, death race, the new star trek movie, a case of guinness, and laying in bed watching the cowboys on sunday. i have a laptop, netflix, and a leadfoot that can get me to the beer store on time...
:-) [name]
[email address]
[phone number]

Really? And I hadn't responded to any of that because I didn't even get the messages until the next day. I was kind of creeped out.

Wednesday Wipeouts

Oh, OKCupid. Oh, the men on OKCupid. Actually, from what I hear from our dear Phronk, the women are just as bad...but I don't have to deal with them.

Wednesdays will now, for the near future at least, be devoted to weird messages and/or conversations I've had with men on OKCupid. I know, try to contain your excitement.

This week's winner:

Well hi

My name is [it would be mean to tell you] I am 200 lb and 6ft I am from [somewhere], and I think your cute (just so you know its hard to tell a total stranger that they are cute or pretty threw a computer without sounding creepy, please forgive me).. Just the same I am white I shave my head I love the cold not really into sports that much but I play volleyball twice a week I have a dog and I take great pride in being Irish.. So if you like guys that are strong quiet that have tattoos and love to cook stop buy and say hi or text dosent bother me [for his own protection] wish you the best..

It just hurts my head. PUNCTUATION, people. Figure it out.

And since it's our first week of Wednesday Wipeouts, here's a bonus conversation I had with a dude because I just couldn't stop myself. Later, as I was telling Gofahne (ahem, please to sit your ass down and write your first blog, thanks) about it and we had a nice chuckle. Then I sent her the link to his profile and she said, "Um...remember how I told you that I was maybe having coffee with someone this week? Well, that's him."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oops.

It went like this...

Him: hey, what are you upto?

(Now, I had been chastised for never really responding to people, so this week I was trying to be a good girl and at least say something. I went to check his profile and his list of "I'm really good at..." things was this:

Kick boxing
Tigers
Water Falls
Jet Skiing
Para Sailing
Scuba Diving
Muscle Cars
BMWs
Roller Coasters
Basketball
Kite Surfing
Chess
Horse Riding
Bowling
Pool
Card Games
Long Drives
Racing my car
Movies
Music
Reading
People
Dancing
Salsa
Camping
Nature
Photography
Travelling
Massage
Reflexology
Eyes
Kissing

Which is...a lot of crap that makes little sense, but the first "move" we learned in pole dancing class was "water fall," so I found it amusing that he's good at that. Anyway, it seemed like a bit of douchebaggery, but I decided to respond. But not much.)

Me: No good.

Him: oh no. what's wrong?

Me: Um, nothing. You asked what I'm up to. And I am up to no good.

(This is no longer amusing once I have to explain it. Now I just sound weird...)

(Also, is this no longer a frequently used expression? I thought it was...)

Him: lol no good means something is not good...are u living your life?

Me: (Trying to refrain from saying, "No, I'm dead.") It's an EXPRESSION. And everything in my life is lovely.

Him: Are u lovely too?

Me: Generally speaking, yes.

Him: Generally is the keyword here...It saves more lot of worries...so what would u prefer for yourself...intelligence or looks ?

(I still have no idea what the hell that means...it saves more lot of worries?!?)

Me: Intelligence.

Him: do u think intelligence is perfection?

Me: No.

Him: explain

Me: You want an explanation for "No."?

Him: (Fifteen hours later) nopes...i want an explanation for why u like me :)

Me: Whatever would have given you that impression? (Which should have been my other choice, "That's easy. I don't.")

Him: (Five hours later) YOU...and dont try to make me scared of it...its ok to like someone :)

I can't even think of a response to that that isn't "drop dead." So I'm just leaving it there.