09 September 2009

Some people just shouldn't pole dance.

And that person is me. Well, and my friend Gofahne.

If you know anything about anything, you know that Alice, over at Alice's Wonderland has just started level 5 pole dancing. And she seems to love it. Well, aside from that amazing upside down drawing of herself on the pole the other day. By the way? That was awesome.

This is a lot of the reason I thought this would be a good, fun thing to do. I mean, if Alice does bad could it be? She doesn't really seem like a skank whore, right?

(And she's not, folks. Seriously. Okay, I don't really know, but it doesn't sound like she is.)

So when Gofahne sent me the link to the Groupon for pole dancing class, I said, "Um, yes please! LET'S DO IT!"

(A fact I later denied vehemently while trying to blame the whole experience on Gofahne. What?)

Well, last Friday was the day. The day of the pole dancing class.

First, let me say that the studio is a "half address." Meaning that it's a tiny little unmarked door in a strip of other bars, clubs, and restaurants. Meaning that I couldn't find the damn thing. Of course, I had left my phone at home. So I stopped and asked a valet guy, who suddenly was a whole lot more interested in what I was doing than necessary.

Gofahne had the same trouble finding the place. She tried to call me, which was useless. I realized that this might be the case, so I walked outside to see if I could find her. Lo and behold, she's driving down the busy street in front of me.

I yelled for all I was worth, jumping up and down, flapping my arms, running after her car. I chased her up and down the road (I was on the sidewalk) at a run about three times before I finally got her attention. That's when I noticed that everyone on the side of the road was staring at me.

Hell, I would have been staring at me, too. I waved, curtsied, and jogged off to meet Gofahne at her car.

We went upstairs and...all skank broke loose.

I'm not kidding.

The instructor, I can't remember her name, but let's call her Talula, was wearing little boy shorts underwear, as were half the girls in the class. I was wearing yoga pants. Clearly I didn't get the memo to just arrive in my underwear.

My favorite part of the Groupon description?

"Note: Bring comfortable, fitted workout wear and bottled water to class. Prior to class, don't apply lotion to your arms, hands, feet, legs, or steering wheel."


I asked Alice about this. She had no idea. I think it must mean something else. Hey baby, don't put lotion on my "steering wheel."

Within the first five minutes of class, Gofahne and I were given advice on "doin' it doggy style." Because, ladies, you know you have to pop your booty out, if you want him to hit the spot.

I nearly lost it at this point. And we were only five minutes in. Gofahne was little more than horrified.

I have to admit that I didn't expect it to be so challenging. I also didn't expect that the beginner class would involve immediately spinning around the pole with my feet off the ground.

Honestly, I have no skills in that department. I have huge bruises on my knees from trying. My arms were sore for days.

Also, to the girls in front of me? I had no urge to see your vagina. Also, you need to do some trimming.

I keed, I keed! Well, except about the vagina part.

The other thing I wasn't expecting? Being told (over and over) to "love my poonanny" or to "rub my poonanny."

Listen, my "poonanny" and I have a great relationship. But I don't really spend a lot of time loving or rubbing on it in front of fifteen women and a floor to ceiling mirror. Well, the mirror might be okay, but the fifteen women...yeah, it was just very odd.

Never realized how much I hate that word until that class.

To make a long story long, I'll just say this: I've never felt less sexy in my whole life. Ever. Including when I fell and busted my knee a couple of weeks ago.

It was the skankiest, most classless, least sexy thing I've ever done. Wherever my sexy is, it's not in pole dancing class.

And I think that chair I molested owes me dinner or something.

And I have two more classes. Why couldn't it have been a Groupon for Burlesque dance classes? Now that, I can get down with.



Lucia said...

lol...I took one class of pole dancing was going to take a whole semester of it every Saturday morning but the instructor had to cancel due to scheduling conflicts...we learned how to crawl seductively to our partner and yes, we did the pole the first day and yes my arms legs and everything hurt too!

Ed Adams said...

I keep trying to get my wife to learn that dancing, but she's afraid to touch my pole. :(


I wouldn't mind watching that class, purely for the comical research, of course. What?!

GingerMandy said...

thank you! :)

and i've always wanted to try a pole dancing class of some sort, but now i'm a little freaked. i love my punanny, but i don't want everyone else to see it and i don't need a class to figure out how to do doggy style. creeeeeepy.

Joanna said...

Don't say "poonanny." Jesus.

I saw an incredible video of a pole-dancing routine once, billed as Olympic-worthy, but I can't find the specific one again. Here are some examples of less-skanky pole-dancing.

And, lest we take it too seriously, check out the awesome, classy logo of the U.S. Pole Dancing Federation (in the upper right corner of their banner):

Trooper Thorn said...

The next step in this progression will be 'Increase you Metabolism Through Streetwalking."

LiLu said...

"All skank broke loose" is going to be my mantra for my birthday party/wedding.

Alice said...

oh god, so much awesome.

a) hooray! i don't seem like a skank whore! much!

b) seriously!? i wore yoga pants and a tshirt through at LEAST the first two levels. i mean true, these days.. um.. well, i do wear bike shorts, but even so they're not those little booty shorts.

c) all skank broke loose. AAAAHAHAAHAHAAA. love.

d) i still have no idea what the steering wheel dealie is about.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I have this vision of you and I in a cafe having lunch and talking about writing a sitcom. Then you say to me, "What would it be about?" I would answer, "About your daily life." Then you would say, "How is that a show?" And I would say, "Well, tell me what you did last night". Then you would tell me the pole dance story and the next thing you know I would be winning an Emmy. That is how crazy entertaining reading about your life can be sometimes. You are like Mary Tyler Moore if she was slightly drunk and did skanky things sometimes. Its a winner of an idea, I gotta tell ya.

Kate said...

I took strippercize once and it was more than I could handle. Pole dancing is obviously not going to be my thing.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

holy shit. your experience is SO not how i would anticipate experiencing a class like this.

i mean poonanny?


M said...

Dang, I'm sad to hear this sucked. I was going to make you take me with you.

And let's be honest, there are no good words for the vagina. They're all either extremely offensive or totally ridiculous (case in point: vajayjay. Thank you Shonda Rhimes).

cool as folk said...

I would never put lotion on my steering wheel. That sounds dangerous and possibly deadly.

Mega8815 said...

Sounds amazingly comical! I guess you had to do it at least once... for shitz and giggles! I'll be flat on my ass laughing or be so freaked out I'd just pick up and leave.

Good luck with the next classes...
Steering Wheel?!

Graygrrrl said...

I can't believe your going back, although it does sound like you got a work out! Thanks for the note against future use of the word "poonany". Hate it!

PS- Burlesque classes would be awesome!

That Kind of Girl said...

Okay, I was so curious about the lotion on steering wheel thing, that I had to email the school and ask. The woman got back to me:

"It was just to be funny...:-) But, please don't put any on so you can adhere to the pole.


Huh. Too bad. I was so hoping there was some weird stripper slippery-steering-wheel alternative lifestyle group out there...

Zan said...

I was also considering taking these classes...even though I work "the pole" just fine...heh, heh...ahem. Anyway...the vajayjay thing kinda freaked me out a little...

Gillian said...

Well, I signed up for the LA Groupon and I'm excited about, despite all this. Hey, at least they have a whole address.