05 August 2009

This is how you found my blog?

I try not to obsessively check my blog stats. Because I don't care if anyone is reading or not (yeah...right...), of course. Yesterday, though, I happened to notice that people were arriving at my blog through some interesting google searches (though none anywhere near as awesome as those of Mr. Johnny Virgil).

For obvious reasons, if you google a question about poo, you're probably going to end up here. These were my favorite poo searches:

1. morning poo
I'm so glad someone searched for this. Good to know that the morning poo isn't just a problem in my office. Whoever you are, here's my two cents: the morning poo cannot be stopped. Also, men's asses are a home for vile, dead, smelly shit.

2. "i can't poo"
I'd suggest one of those over-the-counter constipation medications. You can get them at the grocery store. And eating less cheese. But who wants to eat less cheese? Just call me Dr. Shine!

3. men who have poo
Is this some sort of fetish thing? Because gross. If it's just a question, yes. All men have poo.

Then, there are the requisite pee searches:

1. my sweet relief had to pee
I'm not sure, but I think this is a country music song. Also, I've been there...

2. had to pee
Why are you googling this, asshole? Go pee. Is it more complicated than I think?

3. peeper cam peeps while peeing dude pees
This is my personal favorite. Who googles this? I bet you were really disappointed when you ended up here. But I'll set up a peeper cam for next time. LiLu, I'm watching you...sorry, but you talk about pee the most. It's only fair.

It seems people are frequently visiting me for "How-to" advice:

1. how to talk to a guy you first meet
Step one, think of something to say. Step two, open your mouth and let the words fall out. Step three, try not to sound like an idiot. Or an asshole.

2. how to attract a christian boy who just got dumped
I have great advice for this one. Why would you want to? Don't. My grandparents are proof that (at least some) Christians are a little wacky...

3. how to make my 5 year old sister shut up
This, my friend, is not an easy task. The problem is, it's very easy to get in trouble with the authorities...or your parents. I have no idea how old you are. You could try duct tape over her mouth, but most five-year-olds are wise to that game, and will just pull it off. Kind of like that scene in Four Rooms with the ointment on the eyes. Just go watch the movie and come back. I wouldn't suggest hiding a dead hooker under the mattress. That didn't really get those kids to shut up. Maybe you should try putting on a Disney movie or something. I hear kids like those. I went through the same thing with my sister.

4. how to put on a girdle
Very very carefully. Also, don't. Seriously, screw those people who say you need one.

5. how to expose yourself to a minor
I'm really curious as to how this one got you here. I don't think I've ever exposed myself to a minor. On purpose. There were a couple of times at the beach in Mexico last year when my swimsuit...well, I didn't do it on purpose. Please, sir (or madam, I'm not sexist), don't expose yourself to any minors. I believe the children are our future (even if they're getting dumber everyday). Oh, I may not have been a minor, but I did have a similar experience.

6. how to make clothing out of crown royal bags
Interesting. I'm guessing this has something to do with a sewing machine and as I'm deathly (irrationally) afraid of those, I'm going to suggest you go back to google for this one.

7. how to meet boys.
Okay, pay attention here, because this is really complicated. Ready? Leave your house. Get out and do things. Oh, and it helps if you have a personality. Please watch out for the crazies.

8. should i date her because i can
I don't even know what this means. But probably not.

There was one question I'd really like to address: is shine out of jail? And the answer I'm still in the big house. For exposing myself to a minor. I keed! I've never even been in jail. But I have bailed quite a few friends out of Mexican jail.

We're pretty much down to just random crap now:

yogurt eating methods
YOU EAT YOGURT WITH A SPOON. What the hell is wrong with you people?

boy fuck mom blogspot
I'm worried that this might have been an actual effort to find my blog. Because of, you know, the story about Motorboater.

"krusty's summer sauce camp" singles
I can't even begin to explain this. Is this the thing The Clevelanders were talking about? How did that land someone here? Also, summer sauce camp sounds kinda fun. Can I go next year?

does hellboy drink tecate light
Well, actually, Hellboy and I are really good friends and I will tell you that I would spank him if I ever caught him drinking Tecate Light. He's scared of me, you know. Because I'm hard core. Hellboy only drinks manly beer.

horny 30 year old milfs
Yes, please. I'm not sure how it led you here, but I hope you brought your own milfs. Because this vagina has not birthed any children. But I have experienced breastfeeding.

want to see the sexy nighty inn which boobs are come out
I can tell you without a doubt that you will never see this in person (unless you pay for it) unless you learn to spell and speak proper English. Unless you're not from America. In which case, I'm a douchebag. Don't be a fool. Stay in school. (Words of wisdom from Van Wilder.)

what makes you keep your penis up
Wow. Actually, it's a dilation of blood vessels in your actual penis caused my stimulation, whether it be touch or visual (or this guy's weird contraption). I didn't even look that up. This is the first time I've used that biology degree since college! In other news, drinking can have adverse affects on your penis's ability to stay up (also your balance). I should know, I dated an alcoholic for a year and a half.

sabrina is guilty because she ate blueberry pie!

lisa frank shirt
It's not a T-shirt yet, but I've had many requests to make it one!

And now, for my two favorites:

punctuation pictures penis
What the hell does this mean and why would you google it? Also, way to research punctuation, people! I'm proud. Even if you did have to add penis to it.

i licked my sister breast brother and sister sex confession
I have no idea how this got you here, but I have to ask...WTF? Really? You want to see that? I mean, I can understand if it were two sisters maybe, but are we really that excited about incest these days? Gross, people. Gross.


Phronk said...

You are also number 1 for "is Hellboy guilty because he ate blueberry pie?" I imagine you get that one all the time.

Jay Ferris said...

I found my way here after an innocent search for "proper chili dogging technique."

headbitingprincess said...

Shine .. thank the good lord above I swallowed my drink before reading .. or i would be reading thru spit on my screen .. and unmentionables dripping from my nose .. just saying ..

I had no idea you were so connected you freak !!! LOL
just playing .. good stuff

mysterg said...

"How to make my five year-old sister shut up?"

Give her some plastic bags to play with.

shine said...

Phronk: You know it. Me and Hellboy are TIGHT.

Jay: Thanks. I can never eat a chili dog again.

headbitingprincess: You drip lingerie from your nose? That is like...the coolest thing ever. And yeah, if you have any questions about Hellboy or being a perv, I'm your girl.

mysterg: I was trying so hard not to go there. Thanks for going there for me.

Anonymous said...

I got here by googling "peepgina shrimping for jesus cupcakes" after innocently searching for religious cookbooks.

LiLu said...

Totally fair. I might even enjoy it.

Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

How isn't everyone afraid of the sewing machine? I know I am. All of us should know that if you go near one that fricken needle will sew your fingers together then sew your hands together and then sew your hands to your face. Its like they were made by Skynet. Hold me.

shine said...

Anonymous: These peepgina thoughts are on YOUR head.

LiLu: I'd be surprised if you didn't, love.

Canadian Cave of Coolness: What happened to Cal? Also, sewing machines are the fucking devil. In Home Ec, I sewed all my shit my hand. Fuck sewing machines.

Meg said...

Holy shit. I almost spit water all over my laptop. Hilarious.

JennyMac said...

LOL....which is to attract a christian boy that just got dumped OR my sweet relief had to pee...

Hysterical. Thanks for a great laugh at 630 am.

sid said...

How to expose yourself to minors? Paedophiles are coming to your blog for tips? Wow.

adriana said...

Wow, those are some amazing ones! Lots of "pee" and "poo" ones, though... ??? Don't get it. Crazy Internets.

Johnny Virgil said...

Thanks for the shout out! And I'd also like to unread your TMI story.

FilmFemme said...

I hate to break it to you, but Hellboy does, in fact, drink Tecate Light. At least in the movies.

You get to my site if you google "Kat Dennings fingerbang" but I'm not sure why you would want to do either of those things.

shine said...

Meg: This website (and its master) are not responsible for damage to electronics due to drinking while reading.

JennyMac: I do what I can.

sid: It seems so. I'm not sure if I should be scared or what...

adriana: I talk about poo and pee a lot. Apparently. I was shocked!

Johnny Virgil: Your searches entertain me to no end. ALL THE TIME. I'm sorry about the TMI story. I'll try to be better next time.

FilmFemme: NOOOOO! To all of it.

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