06 August 2009

TMI Thursday - Sometimes it just ain't pretty

Welcome to TMI Thursday. Please buckle your seat belts and keep all your appendages to yourself. Or share with your neighbor.

As you know, LiLu started this whole TMI mess and now...well, it won't stop.

TMI Thursday

If you'd prefer a more racy TMI story, shoot me an email and I'll tell you where to find one. This will probably not work if I actually know you or you are a member of my family.

If you've ever thought to yourself, "Oh, hey, that shine is pretty cute. I might have myself a little bloggy crush on her..." (I realize this is unlikely, but I'm warning you anyway), this story will probably cure you of that. Or you can stop reading here.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I had the brilliant idea to go to McDonald's for lunch. You see, it's close and it's fast, and I really wanted some French fries (yes, Antje, I know French fries are the devil and so is McDonald's, but I did it anyway). I was trying to finish up Water for Elephants for book club with my mom and sister, so I just wanted to sit somewhere and read.

I ordered a cheeseburger and some fries and sat down. Next to the play area. Like an idiot. Just in case you were thinking you could have any semblance of peace at a McDonald's, you'd be wrong. I'm not really super fond of kids to begin with, but screaming ones are really not my fave.

I ate about half my food, read as much of my book as I could, and left with a big, fat headache and an urge to kick kittens. Which I would never do, of course.

When I got back to the office, I dove right back into my work...but within a half hour, something was just not right.

Have you seen Van Wilder? I know, I know, but I love that movie. Possibly because I love Ryan Reynolds (and Kal Penn). At the end, there's a scene in which the incredibly intelligent and talented (I keed!) Tara Reid puts "colon blow" in her douchebag boyfriend's pre-exam shake. Mid-exam, his stomach starts to make all these rumbling noises.

Wait. Here, just go watch it (embedding disabled by request...blah).


So basically, I'm sitting at my desk when...RUMBLE. It felt like something was shaking up my intestines. And I don't poo at work, people. We only have one bathroom and I do NOT poo in it. But this time? I wasn't really capable of waiting it out. There were noises coming from my intestines that were probably scaring people in the next county.

I went into the bathroom and basically...assploded. It was like liquid in there. My poor insides were practically crying with relief. I've never been so happy to take a shit in my life. Ever.

The bad news? One of the boys had just taken a shit. Which means I had to sit in there smelling it. The good news? No one is the wiser about my assplosion.

I'm sorry to do this to you, folks. And I know you'll probably never look at me the same again. But every once in a while, a girl has to take a really big shit.


JennyMac said...

TMI doesnt even begin to cover it...LOL.

BUT, it is a hysterical story. SORRY!

Graygrrrl said...

Okay... Is it weird that the part I focused on was the book you're reading? We're reading that for book club as well!

Phronk said...


This always happens to me the morning after I drink too much. I.e., every morning.

Anonymous said...

maybe so

Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Oh yea, the bloom is definately off the rose. As my six year old niece said as I came out of the toilet, "You NASTY!" LOL

Lucia said...

Lol...ya know whenever I need to clean my insides out, I get a BIG MAC...uh huh!
They've started putting air freshener in our bathrooms at

A pretty nice little Saturday said...

Awesome! Honestly, my biggest fear!

Life in the Cube said...


Jay Ferris said...

There goes the magic!

Candace Maria said...

Dude, I love the raw honesty. It is refreshing and entertaining. I think I may have almost peed my pants while laughing. And if you think that would stop someone from having a blog crush on you, you're clearly under the wrong impression. [:

LiLu said...

This is such an assplosive day!!!

Alice said...

so many assplosions today!!

man, i poop (including assplosions!) ALLLL the time at work. i am very poopy, i guess. waiting is not for me.

Antelope said...

Someone told me once that everybody poops. I know I do, though I try to pretend I don't if anyone comes into the bathroom at the office. Then I just pretend that I like sitting in a bathroom stall, maybe to read, maybe for a nap, whatever. It's totally believable. It is.

PorkStar said...

Nothing like a hot chic with the runs....

Hey, just saying.

And pissing out of the ass? lmao.... funny as hell

Zan said...

Nothing is hotter than a woman who can admit to having an assplosion from time to time. The blog crush stands!

Antje Spethmann said...

i. told. you. so.
Fucking McDonalds... Not even good enough to poison Southern Baptists with.

mysterg said...

When you have to go, you have to go!

shine said...

All I have to say is this: I'm sorry. To all of you.

Crystal said...


i had to stop in a public bathroom once on a roadtrip (boooo) and when i was washing my hands, a chic came in and went into the stall i was just in and exclaimed, "daaaang! somebody got mad at this one!"

also, water for elephants is an excellent book!

shine said...

Crystal: Seriously. You. Are. My. HERO.