The Empress's New Clothes

Fellow Blogger, Andre wrote a blog a couple of days ago. My comment was so long that I decided to just post it as a blog.

The proposition was that Michelle Obama's inauguration dress should cause the same media stir that the McCain campaign's ostentatious new wardrobe for Sarah Palin did. Go read it for yourself, though, because I could be totally off-base. These are my thoughts:

Using campaign funds to make yourself over is completely different from being extravagant with your own money. I know Palin said she didn't know about the clothes, but that's just...well, hard to swallow. Even if you didn't know someone was going out to purchase them for you, you sure as hell knew about them once they were dropped on your lap. I'm not saying it was all her fault, but c'mon...don't use ignorance as an excuse. That's pathetic. Not to mention that it's not really what I'm looking for in a vice presidential candidate.

In addition to that, who's to say that Michelle Obama is actually paying for the extravagant dress? Which doesn't even exist yet, by the way, so it's hard to say how extravagant it will be or how much it will cost. Lots of designers design clothing for celebrities to wear on the red carpet, let them borrow said clothes, then sell them for crazy amounts of money as "The Dress worn by so-and-so at the Oscar's! A must have for the season!"

Michelle Obama hasn't even done anything wrong yet, and you're going to jump all over her (and the media) because some moron from Alaska got busted using campaign funds for a ridiculous amount of new clothes during a presidential election and it made the news? Should they report on the possibility of her buying an extravagant dress?

And the percentage of the budget isn't really the point, in my opinion. If Obama had gone out and used campaign funds to buy himself a hooker in Las Vegas, would it matter that it was only 0.0000000000000001% of his total budget? Unlikely.

The irony is that McCain himself sponsored a bill on campaign finance reform and then his running mate gets caught with $150K of campaign funded clothing. Is it against the rules? Apparently not. But it makes him look bad. She made him look bad. Over and over and over.

Not to mention the overwhelming irony that blossoms up when the McCain campaign has been accusing Obama of being elitist and out of touch with regular people. So in order to be more in touch with regular people, Sarah Palin (Average Joe Hockey Mom Golly Gee) needed $150K in new clothes for the campaign? McCain can't remember how many houses he owns? It's just...ridiculous. And probably the reason they got such media attention about it. If you call someone out on something, you should probably be sure you're not guilty of the same thing first. Nearly all politicians are out of touch with us regular folk.

I hate to say it, but I think the comparison is apples to oranges. Or actually, apples to elephants. They're not even remotely the same to me. Do I think spending thousands of dollars (or possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars) on one dress for one night is a smart use of your money when the entire country is in financial melt-down? No. But it's not my choice and she isn't using my money to do it. Brides and celebrities do it all the time. And she hasn't even done it yet. And the story is out there, or neither of us would know about it. Has it made national news? No. But if she was using campaign funds to buy it, you can bet your ass that it would make national news. Don't worry, the national news tends to cover Paris Hilton's every sneeze. We'll hear about it.

Birthers

So it seems the search for Obama's "real" birth certificate continues despite his having produced a Certificate of Live Birth, despite the state of Hawaii having confirmed it to be legitimate, despite the birth announcement in the newspaper in Hawaii, despite independent parties having examined his Certificate of Live Birth and pronouncing it legitimate, despite the Supreme Court refusing indulge at least two parties' claims that Obama is not a US citizen. So my question is this: What would it take?

Short of presenting you with a vial of placental ooze which can be DNA tested and then tested for some chemicals in the air native to Hawaii, I can't think of anything that will "prove" his citizenship beyond a reasonable doubt. Of course, if he were white, this probably wouldn't even be an issue.

And really folks, a Certificate of Live Birth is a Birth Certificate. And if they aren't exactly the same, then a Certificate of Live Birth is a more complete version and a Birth Certificate is what they send you when you request a copy, as far as I can tell. But it seems there's no standard and states can call the particular form whatever they'd like.

As for the whole mess about applying for a Hawaiian Birth Certificate if you weren't born in Hawaii - c'mon. Do you really not think there are rules about such a thing? Rules about amending a birth certificate due to birth in a foreign country? You can only apply if you were legally adopted by a citizen of the United States. There is no reason to think that Obama was adopted. And if he did have an amended birth certificate, it would be evident on the certificate itself. Which it's not.

And even if he was born in Kenya, which he clearly wasn't, his mother was a US Citizen. According to US Citizenship laws, any child born abroad to one parent who is a US Citizen will meet the requirements for US citizenship if three conditions are met:

1. At least one of your parents is a US Citizen.

2. The parent who is a US Citizen had lived in the United States at
least five years prior to your birth.

3. The parent who is a US Citizen had lived in the United States for
at least 10 years of his or her life, five of which had to be after his or her 14th birthday.

There doesn't seem to be any evidence at all (yeah, I know it's Wikipedia, but it's what I could find right now, okay?) of Obama's mother living outside the United States at all prior to her marriage to Obama's father or the birth of her son Barack. So even if he were born in Kenya, he's still a natural born US Citizen.

Even though all evidence is to the contrary, we're going to harp on this...until when? Shouldn't we be slightly more concerned with, say, the fact that our current President receives the same treatment in Iraq as the ripped down statue of Saddam Hussein? Oh! I said "Hussein," we should probably whine some more about Obama's middle name.

Realistically speaking, we need to get it together. Our country is in trouble and we need to focus on more than these ludicrous citizenship claims, which have already been debunked. Nothing will be good enough. It's almost as bad as the "God did it" argument. Let. It. Go.

One of AOL's bloggers posted a blog another blog about all this yesterday. I think commenter "Tony" said it best:

"So the conservatives will accept a president who was given a pass in to the Air Nat'l Guard, went AWOL to campaign for another, lost the the popular vote in an election by half a million votes yet was appointed by the Supreme Court and lied to the American public to start a war in Iraq when the enemy was based in Afghanistan, but won't accept a US Senator whose father was born in another country? You're lucky to live in America, where it's not fatal to be stupid."


Thanks Tony!

The Barn

I decided that maybe posting the writing assignment for you was wussing out. So I won't.

Age had discolored the bright white trim and crinkled it like old flesh. The sun shone down, highlighting every flaw. The nails that held the splintered boards were rust. The paint had chipped away, leaving only patches of red to cover the wood. The loft was bare. Wind shoved the structure back and forth, stretching and straining its weary frame.

Inside, there were different compartments for different animals. Compartmentalized, so the activities were separate. So that milking the cows didn’t distract the pigs from their slop.

The barn had been there for decades. Now it stood, decaying from the inside, on a blanket of wildflowers.

Tiny Fiction

My friend David came up with this awesome idea. Or...well, maybe he stole it from someone else. Either way, there's an awesome idea on the table: tiny fiction.

We're going to write tiny bits of stand alone fiction. They will be 500 words or less. They will be fiction. They will be posted on our blogs every...well, whenever we write them. There may not be any other qualifications or rules.

A couple of things I might choose to post were writing assignments from a class I took. I decided that in this case, I will give you the assignment at the top of the post. This might be wussing out, but it might not. You decide.

I'm sure you're all looking forward to this as much as I am!

Smokin' Out

What does "No Smoking" mean?

Not much, really, if you live in Dallas. By City Ordinance, smoking is not allowed in restaurants or public buildings or bars where a certain percentage of money is made from the sale of food. That covers most of the bars. And yet when I go to the bar, it's usually smoky.

I walk in, noting the "No Smoking" sign on the door, but that's about where it ends. No one who frequents the bar pays the slightest bit of attention to the sign. The owner of the bar doesn't enforce the no smoking policy. The people who work in the bar don't take issue with people smoking.

But I do.

Now the Dallas City Council has voted to expand the ban to all bars and billiard halls (who calls them billiard halls?). You'd think I would be happy, right? But my question is this: What's the point?

If you can't even enforce the current smoking ban, why expand it? Just making a law is not enough. Citizens are thumbing up their noses at you on an hourly basis. They don't care that you've expanded the places where they are currently banned from smoking because they still smoke in many of those places.

For some reason, it's perfectly acceptable to follow the rules in hospitals, schools, day care facilities, and government buildings. But not in bar/restaurants. So you say no smoking? Who cares? I'll smoke if I please!

And all you bar owners. Shut up. No, seriously. Shut. Up. If all bars are non-smoking, you're all on an equal playing field. People aren't going to stop socializing and hanging out at bars just because they can't smoke in them. They haven't stopped going to restaurants, have they? They'll learn to go outside, just like they do at work. You know, when they take an hour of smoke breaks each day, while I'm inside actually working.

Obviously you can't only cut out the smoking in one or two bars. Then those bars might lose business. That's not fair. But if you all enforce it, you're all equal. Play by the rules.

And to you, dear smoker, it is certainly your choice to smoke, and I'm not suggesting you quit. I respect your right to destroy your body (I do it with beer and french fries, myself). But it is my choice not to smoke, and when you smoke next to me, I'm forced to partially smoke along with you. So you're not only destroying your own lungs and vastly increasing your chances of getting cancer (which, for the most part, I don't give a shit about), but you're increasing my cancer risk, too. I don't even really get to be part of the decision. It's not cool.

Aside from that, when I get home, I'm going to smell like your shit cigarette stank. And I didn't smoke. Yes, I chose to go to a bar. I should just suck it up, right?

Except that I chose to go to a bar with "No Smoking" on the door. And you smoked anyway. And since you were probably the only smoker at your table, you held your cigarette away from your friends. It's so polite, really. I mean, you would hate for your friends who know you smoke, and therefore went out with you prepared for you to smoke, to be bothered by your smoking. Much better to aim your disgusting cancer stick in my direction. I'm just that stupid bitch who went to the bar thinking there was a no smoking policy in place.

Do me this favor. Next time, blow the smoke at your friends. Maybe then they won't want to hang out with you as much, and you can stay home and smoke alone.

Today, on my Happy Birthday...

I've decided that heterosexual marriage isn't legitimate. From now on, that husband you worked so hard to get is now your boyfriend. That trophy wife you spent so much money on is your girlfriend. I just don't recognize heterosexual marriage. Sorry.

Until you decide to admit that gay marriage doesn't actually affect you at all, you don't get to have a legitimate marriage in my eyes. Until you admit that all you're doing is fostering hate and discrimination because you're scared (which I also don't understand), he or she is just your "friend." If I'm feeling nice, I might say "roommate."

And if you want to argue about how gay parents affect children, please read this (Thanks, Jane!). Just try to tell me that child would have been better off with his straight mom. I dare you.

So today, on my Happy Birthday, I ask you this: think for a while about why you're so bothered by gay marriage. Don't think about why all those people on the radio or the news or at your church have told you that it's wrong. Don't even think about your Bible today. Just think for yourself.

Half your straight marriages don't even work, what's the harm in letting gay people in on the action? Personally, I think we should do away with all marriage, or at least provide some alternative that makes logical sense.

Think for yourself and see where that takes you.

That's all folks!

Well, it seems one of my favorite radio stations has changed format. Instead of making an announcement or something, they played school fight songs for four hours yesterday. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

Apparently, they decided that Dallas needed more sports stations. We don't have enough of them already. Look, I like sports. Well, okay, I like football and baseball. But what Dallas doesn't have is another "alternative" talk radio station. And by alternative, generally they mean funny, raunchy, entertaining. Oh, and an alternative to that conservative talk radio crap that's on all the AM stations.

Was it the most intelligent of radio stations? No. I would argue that listening to the same fifteen songs over and over, interspersed with idiotic DJs is no more intelligent. I hate music on the radio these days, and Live 105.3 was a great station to fall back on.

Things went downhill, so I thought, when Pugs and Kelly left. They were replaced by Ben & Skin who, in my opinion, wouldn't be able to radio DJ themselves out of a paper bag if their hands were on fire. They suck. Big time. The only thing they can offer is a reasonably good Wade Phillips impression. Little did I know what was in store...

Well, lucky me! Ben & Skin are now my drive home companions. The station fired long-time successful host Russ Martin in favor of this new sports format, but for some reason decided to keep The Jagger Show on in the morning slot. Even though they rarely talk about sports.

As far as I can tell, they're mostly there to stroke Jagger's enormous ego. Dean Lewis is the only saving grace on that show, and he's been quite the pissy little bitch since his divorce. Too much time on a morning radio show has clearly weakened his skills in the comedy department. This morning, during the short and sweet weather report, Jasmine (the Jagger show ditz) informed us, "Today's high is 59 degrees; right now it's 62 degrees." I know you're just reading off a piece of paper, honey, but c'mon. If it's 62 degrees right now, it's unlikely that the high today will be 59, right?

My point is this: I already have plenty of alternatives in Dallas radio if I want to listen to the Cowboys game on Sunday. I don't need another one. Hell, I already can't listen to any other game on ESPN radio for fuck's sake. Because I'm in Dallas, my only option is the frickin' Cowboys. And Live 105.3 already had the ever useless Nascar Radio. Really people. That's not even interesting to watch. Why in the fuck would I want to listen to it on the radio?

So this is goodbye Live 105.3. You will be missed. And if anyone knows where I can catch Russ and the gang or Big Dick Hunter (cause let's face it, he's at least smart, even if he does insist on talking about UFC fighting half the time), let me know. Otherwise, I'll just stick to NPR. Well, and those crazy conservatives. They remind me to vote.

Resolution Time

It may be a little early, but I’m starting on my New Year’s Resolution list now. Normally, I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions because I think they’re a waste of time. No one actually does anything on the list, right?

So I probably won’t either. But I’m making one anyway. And it starts with this:

I’m tired of getting hurt. In the coming year, it is my resolution to become less emotionally available.

I’m tired of backing down. In the coming year, I will be more aggressive.

I’m tired of being a doormat. In the coming year, I will be more of a bitch.

I’m tired of hearing “I dunno.” In the coming year, I will ask fewer questions.

I’m tired of living in fear of stupid shit. In the coming year, I will be brave.

That’s all I can come up with so far*. I encourage everyone to start their resolution list today! Hey, maybe I’ll even start living up to mine early.

*Of course, I also want to lose 100 pounds, write a book, travel, go running five days a week, join a gym, actually go to the gym I join, pay off any debts I may have, get a better job, go back to school, never ever eat chocolate or drink soda again, make more friends, try new things, volunteer at least once a month, be a better person, and have a spiritual epiphany**.

**I don’t really want to have a spiritual epiphany. I was having a Bridget Jones moment. Now my wobbly bits are revolting. If only could choose the way fat was arranged under skin. Quite nice. Byeeee!

Please send presents!

For once in my life, I totally know what I want for my birthday. Harx doesn't do presents, so I'm making my case to the masses (ahem, all five people who might read this...).

If I'm being honest, what I really want for my birthday is a washer and dryer. But I'm going to plead to my parents for those items.

Which means that these babies (HA!) are up for grabs (from Stupid.com):



Seriously, how could anyone not want these for a present?

I have to give credit to Jen over at Cake Wrecks for turning me on to these. If you haven't read her blog, go read it now. It's hilarious.

Proposition 37

So I'm sure everyone knows that California citizens voted to ban gay marriage. And Arkansas citizens voted that unmarried couples (people?) can no longer adopt children. Since our country is clearly in a state of crazy, I'd like to propose a ban that's near and dear to my heart.

I'm calling it "Keep your kids the fuck out of my restaurant/hotel/bar/store/personal space." What do you think?

The proposition is this: let's divide places of business and social activities in half, having a "children's section" and a "section of sanity." It'll be just like the old days when they asked you "Smoking or non-smoking?" before they took you to your table at the restaurant. Only instead of letting the children run willy nilly from section to section like they did with cigarette smoke, there should be concrete, sound-proof walls. With electric shock fences.

In the children's section, children should be encouraged to scream bloody murder, splat ketchup on innocent strangers, throw up, or otherwise make themselves menaces. Then maybe people won't have so many kids. Or they will, but they'll stop taking them out to restaurants. My guess is, they'll still have too many kids, and they'll still take them out to restaurants, but they'll be tortured even more than the rest of us because of the high concentration of kids in their sections of stores.

If you'd like to have a night of peace, leave your kids at home. I didn't have kids so that all my nights would have peace.

I'm still working on the plan for retail stores, but I'm sure I'll think of something. It wouldn't be very cost efficient to suggest that the stores just provide double the merchandise, split up into two sides, so that I don't have to listen to you horribly-behaved child yelling while I'm trying to pick out a sweater.

My hope is that this will go the way of the smoking section, and soon children won't be allowed anywhere.