09 December 2009

Performance Reviews

You may already realize that my boss is quite the character. If you don't, you can find some stories about it here (and here and here (with MS Paints!) and here).

Now that we've taken care of that, and you can see what I'm working with over here, I'm going to tell you a little bit about what Performance Reviews are like in our office. Basically, think Michael Scott...but older.

These days, I pretty much run the office, so I'm the one who does payroll and all that jazz. Which, ya know, means if you work in my office? You should probably not piss me off. Look, it's not that I don't LIKE archaeology (but I don't really like the kind we do), it's just that it pays better to do what I do now. And it was a full-time gig. I don't know if you've noticed, but the economy's not really doing so hot. Full-time = good idea.

Last year, my boss decided that maybe it would be wise for us to have an employee handbook. He decided this because a coworker and I pretty much beat him down until he came up with the idea all by himself. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to write an employee handbook. I had no earthly idea how to go about that, so I gathered a few examples and set about writing it up. This also meant that I had to pick my boss's brain on every subject from lunch breaks to vacation time to pay increases to attendance. Trust me, my boss's brain is not really a pretty place to be.

It turns out that my boss does not believe in giving his employees "cost of living" raises. He went on and on about how he didn't believe in just giving someone an increase in pay for doing the exact same amount of work, and so, if anyone wanted a raise from him, they'd have to come talk to him about it.

Yes, I tried to explain that cost of living raises are designed to keep employees' salaries in line with inflation and that not giving them essentially means that he's making it more difficult for the employees to live, while they're still doing the same amount of work, etc. He didn't buy it.

I argued and argued, but to no avail. And alas, it says in our employee handbook that no cost of living raises should be expected and that if an employee feels he deserves a raise, he is required to discuss the matter with the boss. Of course, no one but me will actually do that.

Every year, at the end of the year, we're supposed to have a "Performance Review." Last year, I think mine went something like this:

Boss walks up to my desk. "Shine, go ahead and give yourself a such-and-such cost of living raise. Oh, and here's the list for everyone else."


After an employee has been here for three months, he is also entitled to a "Performance Review" from the boss. This review should determine the employee's future status with the company and his rate of pay for the coming year. About six months ago, we hired a new guy. He was only supposed to be here for a month. But, after three months, when he was still here, it was time for a Performance Review with the boss!

This is how that went down:

Boss calls me into his office. "Shine, what do you think of New Employee?"

Me: "Well, I think he works hard. He's not scared to ask questions. I've read some of his stuff and he seems to have a really good grip on the English language.

Boss: "Anything else? Do you think we should keep him around?"

Me: "I think NE is a pretty good asset. He's a little flaky, but I think he more than makes up for that with his writing. I don't know how he is in the field, though."

Boss: "Oh, he does just fine in the field. Let me ask you this, though. Would you date him?"

Me: ".........Ummmmm....what?"

Boss: "Would you, you him?"

Me: "........Ummmm, well, uh, considering that he works here and that he HAS a girlfriend and that he's nearly five years younger than I really don't think I would. Why do you ask?"

Boss: "Oh, I was just curious. He has a girlfriend? What's she like?"

Me: "Honestly, Boss, I have no idea. None. I've never met the girl."

And now NE has a full-time position with our company. I can't say I'm sure whether the correct answer was "Yeah, I'd date him" or "Um, Hell no," nor do I see what in the FUCK that has to do with his employment status at our firm, but there you have it. A Performance Review by Boss.


LiLu said...


M said...

This is awesome. It sounds a lot like something that would happen where I work. Where salary and tenure are generally determined by whether you're related to the boss or his wife likes you.

Joanna said...


How does he remain oblivious to how inappropriate he is? All I can come up with, having experienced it, is that no one can pick their jaws up off the floor fast enough to tell him so. It's utterly shocking in person.

Congrats on that awesome full-time job.

That Kind of Girl said...

1) omg, your boss is crazy and I'm kind of loving it;

2) I think I'll try out his cost-of-living stance when my landlord tries to raise my rent. "Um, I don't see why I should be paying more for the exact same amount of apartment." Ignorance is bliss?

Jennifer said...

Oh, good grief. I'm baffled by the idea that he somehow remembers how to put his pants on in the morning.

carissajaded said...

hahaha yeahhhh... You could totally take advantage of your situation... Manipulate the hell outta someone like that! How the heck did he end up boss? Must of always had really good secretaries!

Graygrrrl said...

I miss the days of writing my own performance review. "Graygrrl is a model employee and deserves a raise."

Jay Ferris said...

Seriously, all you need to do is show that guy your boobs once or twice and you'll be running that place.

Erin said...

This? Makes me kind of glad I work from home. :)

NatalieCottrell said...

From an HR perspective, your place of employment is a hot mess. But from a blogging-material stance? Great times!

Anonymous said...

Hrm, by chance did your boss meet your last boy friend?

Johnny Virgil said...

cost of living increase? Bwaahahahahaha! I thought those went away in 1998. Oh wait, that's just for where I work.

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