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10 December 2009

TMI Thursday - Gynecologists are the new celebrity hairstylists, apparently.

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

TMI Thursday


Today is my 30th birthday. WTF? How did this HAPPEN?

Boys? Feel free to skip this one. It's about going to the GYN. (That's gynecologist, for those of you who didn't bother to read the title.)

A little over a year ago, I found a super great awesometastic gynecologist. I'd tell you his name, but I don't remember it.

And therein lies the problem.

I can't remember his name. Which makes it really hard to make an appointment. I do remember where he practiced, so I went online to look him up, just knowing that if I heard the name, it would trigger my memory.

It didn't. Or else he's not there. I'm pretty sure he's disappeared off the face of the earth. So after a small freak out, I set about the business of finding a new GYN. Fun!

This, of course, involved asking all my friends for referrals.

I quickly realized that all gynecologist's offices, if not all doctor's offices, have incredibly long, convoluted answering machine thingamabobbies that make very little sense. Could you at least go in numerical order, guys?

The first lady parts doctor I called wasn't accepting new patients at all. Apparently she has all the business she needs.

The second womanly doctor was accepting new patients, but she didn't have any "new patient appointments" open until March. Thanks, but I'd like to not get pregnant in the next three months.

The third woman didn't have any appointments until June.

The fourth wasn't accepting new patients.

The fifth had retired.

What the HELL, people? I feel like I'm in Hollywood and trying to get an appointment with the latest and greatest waxer or hair stylist or something. You poke around in people's vaginas.

Luckily the woman who retired worked in a group, so I managed to get an appointment with one of the other doctors at the end of the month. Whew.

Now I just have to deal with all my anxiety about having a new lady in my parts. I almost had to resort to Planned Parenthood.

I don't know how many of you have ever used Planned Parenthood for your basic gynecological needs, but...it's not very pleasant. At least, my experience never has been, and I went for years.

I had one doctor tell me that if I was so worried about getting pregnant (after I asked her a simple question about trying a new method of birth control. Something along the lines of, "How effective is this, compared to the pill?"), I should probably just not have sex. Um, dude. You're PLANNED PARENTHOOD. I asked you about BIRTH CONTROL. You should be thrilled that I'm responsible.

Then there was the doctor who acted like I was some sort of sinner and she would have to cast out the demons because I have...SLEPT WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

Then there was the doctor who didn't bother to, ya know, even TRY to be gentle with my girly bits. That one was the worst.

In related news, I hate the gynecologist. I just want my awesome dude back. No, that's a lie. What I want is to be a dude and not have to worry about this crap. What I want is to not be forced to go have my business poked and prodded just because I don't want to get pregnant. I'm being RESPONSIBLE and for that? I'm forced to go have my bits checked out once a year, for which I have to pay, then I have to pay for my prescription for birth control.

What I really want? Is to have my tubes tied, but I'm not allowed to make that decision until I'm 35-years-old. Which, let's face it, is coming at me like a freight train. Now, I love being a girl, and I wouldn't trade it, but let's stop with the inequality where this shit is concerned, mkay?

24 comments:

Marie said...

Holy crap woman! Who the hell are these doctors?! And why the need for lectures I still don't understand. First off it's none of their business and second all they need to do is THEIR JOB.

I have to say, I love my gyn. Does what needs to be done and no lectures.

NatalieCottrell said...

Happy birthday, you saucy little minx!!

Now that that is out of the way...

I heart my GYN. This is no small task given all the unpleasant poking and prodding involved, but she's THAT awesome. (Not in the girl crush kinda way, so it's not awkward. Well...relatively speaking.) Let me know if you need a referral. She adores her young patients...even us whores.

Jay Ferris said...

A small price to pay for the joys of doing it. At least it seems small when I'm not the one who has to pay it.

Also, if the pill situation doesn't work out, you could always just demand that your sexual partner(s) practice the Peter North method of birth control. Works every time, and looks great on film to boot.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Happy Birthday!

I have to get my boys jangled and squeezed, because I'm in the age group for "testicular cancer". After I get out of that age group, I'm in the group for the unkindest finger poke.

While this isn't nearly as violation-ination as the lady doctor, boys still have to have their parts checked.

But, ugh, who doesn't want to be gentle while giving a lady her exam? That guy should be a proctologist because he's definitely an asshole doctor.

Just A Girl said...

I just lie about how many partners I've had in the previous year because I'm not in the mood for the lecture. I never say more than one or two, even if it's really like, 7. Actually, I think this year I've only had like, 2 new ones. HA. I win at the gyno game.

But seriously, just fucking test me, give me my birth control, and let me worry about it kthxbai.

Jennifer said...

My efficient OBGYN just up and moved to, of all places, Texas. I used to drive two hours round trip, and wait in his office for at least an hour to see him. He was no-nonsense and kept his personal opinions to himself, which I appreciated.

I think now I'll just go to the damn health department because there's never any wait.

shine said...

Marie: Amen!

Pretty Bitch: Thanks! And I'll let you know. I'm going to give this one a whirl and see how it goes, I guess.

Jay: Always helpful.

mjenks: You LIKE to have them jangled and squeezed. I don't LIKE to have a cold metal thing shoved in my lady parts and then have the insides of them scraped. Also, the "guy" who wasn't gentle with my lady parts wasn't a guy. It was a woman. And in my experience, women GYNs are usually not terribly gentle or sympathetic about that sort of thing. Dudes don't know how it feels, so they're nice.

JAG: Tell me about it. Why is it even their business to ask me that? Fuck you, lady parts doctor.

Jennifer: WHERE IN TEXAS? Maybe, possibly, in Dallas? Somewhere near my home or office?

carissajaded said...

I went to the same doctor twice, and have the exact same problem, can't find her!! So I've gone to planned parenthood the last 2 times I went... Worst experience ever. (except for the waiting room, that is quite interesting...

The last time I was there I heard one nurse tell the other that she wasn't cleaning the equipment correctly. Let me know if you find a good one!

Mary said...

I still go to Planned Parenthood most of the time, but I haven't really encountered anyone judgy. Though they do check my math from visit to visit when it comes to how many partners...

Worst gyno exam ever as a Primacare...performed by a guy old enough to have been "practicing medicine for 50 years." I've never felt so violated.

Happy birthday lady!

Stevie said...

Happy birthday! I hope you have an awesome day.

That sucks that your Planned Parenthood visits were so crappy. My experience has actually been the opposite. The 2 times I've been to an Ob/Gyn office, I felt judged and got lectured. So I go to Planned Parenthood for all of my sexual health needs. Maybe it's because I live in a pretty liberal city? I don't know, I've just always felt more comfortable there. (But I have definitely lied about how many sex partners I've had in the past year) ;-)

Laurie said...

You know what sucks really bad about the gyno, besides the obvious? No matter how far I scoot down on the table, my doctor will tap me on the hip and motion me to scoot closer to the edge when they push the table in. I'm never down far enough, so I have to scoot my bare naked ass down with this old dude sitting on a stool between my legs. Awful.

But I've went to the guy since I was fifteen years old, so it would be impossible to change now. I figure he'll die soon and I'll be at loose ends.

Happy birthday, btw. I turned 29 this year and I think I've decided that I will again next year.....

PorkStar said...

Happy birthday and... is it really hard to find doctors for that kinda practice? I may consider it for a second part time job.

Toe said...

Mine likes to chitty chat after poking around. It's horribly uncomfortable and awkward. But she's not judgy so she has that going for her.

Jenny said...

This article gives me major culture shock! In the UK obviously we have the NHS which means you go to the hospital GUM clinic which is free and gives far more consistently good...service than you report. The last doctor I saw there was lovely - not too chatty before or after, gentle, matter-of-fact, informative. Didn't stop me chain-smoking for hours before and after though...!

What's really odd though is that we're a lot less likely to talk about this kind of thing and I don't talk about 'my gyn' I talk about going to 'the clinic'...!! So it feels far less like a personal relationship which in my view is a great thing. I really don't want to see the same doctor twice in that clinic tbh. Too weird building up a relationship with a guy who has seen my vagina without coming inside it, frankly!

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Zan said...

Happy Birthday!

GYN visits are horrifying enough, even when you've been going to the same one for years, as I have. I've also had my unpleasant experiences with PP, so I NEVER go there anymore. I'd rather wait to see my regular. Get an IUD, Shine; once it's put in, you don't have to worry about birth control for 5-10 years. That's what I have.

Tatiana said...

Doctor's here don't really ask about your partners and such, but I'm with you on the simple fact that getting violated just to get a perscription of birth control is kinda... fascist.

It's my body and if I choose to die of syphilis or cancer, so be it. It's also my choice to have kids or not and the two should have nothing in commmon. Point is we shouldn't be subjected to invasive frequent procedures just so we can not breed.

Crazy.

LiLu said...

Yeah, man. The PP I went to in Massachusetts had protesters screaming out front every time. The one in NC was peaceful with young helpful women doctors who handed out condoms like candy.

The one in DC made me quit bartending and get a real job with health insurance just so I never had to go back there.

Margaret Benbow said...

There's no guarantee that a gyno of either gender will be any good, but it seems to me there's more of a chance that a lady doctor will be gentle with lady parts.

Graygrrrl said...

No 1- This is why I go to an internist, because they do it all and I only have to remember one name.

No 2- You could call your insurance as find out the doctors name. They billed him, and would be happy to bill him again!

evolving.lines said...

What's your opinion of your regular physician? Sometimes they'll do your yearly pap, if you ask.

If you ever decide to try a male gyn, I can give you a fantastic referral to one at Medical City. Everyone from the front desk ladies to the nurses, to the doctors are amazing.

Jennifer said...

Well, it turns out he went to El Paso. I'd wager that's much too far to drive to see the guy.

Sorry. Wish he were closer to either of us.

Phronk said...

Oh shit, I'm a horrible blog friend because I'm a week late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You beat me to 30 by a few weeks. Congrats.

I'd be happy to help stop this inequality, by growing a vagina that can be poked and prodded. Just as long as I can keep my man parts too, and the vagina is in a place where my man parts can do the poking and prodding.

Giggity.

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