17 September 2009

TMI Thursday - Possibly my worst date ever.

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

TMI Thursday

Yeah, I know. I've already told you about some bad dates. But this one happened a really long time ago.

About six years ago, I had a friend. I know, right? I had a friend! Okay, no. But this friend had a little boy who...was my world (and you guys know how I feel about kids). Cutest little thing you ever did see. He was three when I met her and five when she chose to cart him off to Louisiana to marry a crazy, controlling freak of an asshole.

None of this has anything to do with the story, except to say that I had this friend who wanted to join So of course she wanted me to join So I did. And this is the story of my very first online date.

His name was something I didn't bother to remember. James or John or Jeff or something. We chatted for about a week before we finally bit it and met up for a drink. Now, at the time, I didn't really drink at all. So when I say "a drink," I do in fact mean, one drink. We met at Gloria's in Dallas (really far away from where I lived). I had a margarita, he had a beer, we ate chips and salsa and talked and everything seemed okay.

He asked if I wanted to do something after the drink, so I said okay. But then he discovered he had left his wallet at his apartment.

"No problem," I said. "I can get this."

Thinking all the while, "Oh great...he's one of those..."

I paid for our drinks and then he said, "Yeah, but I can't be without my wallet for the rest of the night. I need to go get it."

Let me back up a second to say this, he was already at the table when I got there, and the waiter brought him his beer shortly after I arrived. He had already ordered it. When I ordered my drink, they asked for my ID. But this isn't unusual because as a general rule, I look about 15. I hadn't really thought about whether or not they would ask him for his ID, though.

I said, "Well, okay, so do you just want to tell me where we're going and then meet me there after you get your wallet?"

"My place is really close. Why don't you just follow me there and and I'll get it and then you can follow me to the next place."

This seemed harmless enough in my naive little mind, so off we went. I followed him to his place, fully expecting to sit in my car until he came out with his wallet.

"Why don't you come up and see my place, since we're here?"

"Uh, that's all right. I'll just hang out here," I said.

"What? You think I'm going to lock you in or something. Just come up for a second. You can stand in the doorway, if that makes you feel more comfortable."

Yeah, I'm an idiot. I went upstairs.

He showed me around and then said, "Oh, and this is my room."

I walked in and stood there, willing him not to toss me down on the bed and rape me, while he fumbled around in a drawer, presumably looking for his wallet.

Then he turned around with this weird look on his face and said, "I thought maybe we could play with this?"

I look up and he's standing there, with this really strange creepy yet hopeful look on his face, holding a pocket pussy. A POCKET PUSSY.

Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a pocket pussy before, but it looks like (NSFW! REALLY REALLY NSFW!) this.

"Wanna touch it? It feels really real." (I have serious doubts at this point that he'd ever touched a real one.)

I was so freaked out that I kicked him in the shins, turned around and ran out the door. I discovered that he had indeed locked me in, but I knew how to work a lock, so I unlocked the door, ran down the stairs and got in my car. I spent the next 30 minutes shaking like a leaf in my car, on the verge of tears, lost in Dallas. In another hour, I was home and in the shower.

I'm sure there was some flirting while we were having drinks. But flirting to the point of trying to put your sex toy on me? No. Just no.

He messaged me the next day. Not to apologize. To see if I wanted to hang out again.



LiLu said...

You are a MAGNET.

That is all.

Just A Girl said...

GAH! No. No no no. Sex toys are something you bring out when you're like, IN A RELATIONSHIP but never on a first (or 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc) date. I'm glad you kicked him.

GingerMandy said...

lilu is right. you are truly a magnet... and what the hell does a girl want with a fake vag, even if she's full blown lezzy....uhhh no.

moooooog35 said...

I can't believe that.

Meaning, I can't believe I don't already own one of those.


Travis said...

You gotta start carrying around one of those air pump lookin things you blogged about. That way, next time this happens, (I'm almost sure it will) you can pull it out and say, "Alright, big boy, but we have to play with THIS too."

Courtney said...

Maybe he was under the impression that you didn't have a puss of your own?



LOL Creepy.

Phronk said...

Are you just making up these stories now? It's not POSSIBLE for one person to have so much bad luck with so many guys.

M said...

You clearly have no radar for loser men. Maybe you should start dating short guys.

Meg said...

Reason number 8,422 to avoid internet dating. Gawd.

Organic Meatbag said...

I love manage to hook up with all of the good ones...

Jay Ferris said...

Are you sure it wasn't just a popsicle maker of some kind?

deadleafecho said...

What you said??! I miss that kid.

Mega8815 said...

Oh Shit! HAHA!
Weird Freak! Yeah you really DO get the good ones huh? The good freaks. LOL!

I would have run like there's a demon behind me girl! That's just wrong!

Jimmy said...

Ha ha ha, and I thought I was the only one who thought it was appropriate to bring out a Pocket Pussy on a first date!!! said...

ps- did you shower with bleach?

Big Mama Cass said...


What an AAAASSSSSSSSHOLE!! He has watched one too many porn movies. *eyeroll*

Gofahne said...

I wish I could believe this wasn't true, but you just can't make shiznit like this up. Who RAISES these men??!

f.B said...

haha. The best part of this is that he wasn't. even. kidding. He actually thought that would work.

cool as folk said...

I am so scared for the past you right now!

Graygrrrl said...

but, you learned a valuable lesson about going up to strange guys apts.

adriana said...

That is crazy and more than just a little scary. What a psychopath!

Anonymous said...

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