31 August 2009

Some people just shouldn't date.

I am one of those people.

This weekend, I had my second OKCupid date. It was...interesting. Yeah, let's go with that.

First, I'd like to say, for the record, that I'm tired of being asked if I need to be in a relationship to feel like a whole person. I don't. I'm not expecting to find love on the internets. But it's good for stories and interesting experiences.

I also don't think that people only resort to online dating because they're pathetic, anti-social losers who can't meet people any other way. It's a valid, albeit less likely to work (just because there are a lot of weird things about it), way to meet people these days. I'm out all the time. I meet people in public all the time. I talk to strangers a lot.

That being said, this is definitely an adventure.

My first OKCupid date was fine. He was funny, but I didn't really feel very attracted to him. At the end of the date, he kissed me. And that pretty much sealed the deal. The kiss? Was meh. Dry with hard lips and no tongue. And I don't mean sweet and soft no tongue. I mean awkward no tongue.

My second date was Sunday night.

I'm just going to clear this up before I get started. I actually like Star Trek. Quite a bit even.

Okay, now that that's out of the way...

We met at a bar to watch the Denver Broncos/Chicago Bears pre-season game (Ouch, Jay Cutler. Rough reception). I didn't really have a lot of excitement about the date, but I figured a little football, a little beer, how bad could it be?

And really, it could have been much much worse.

We hung out for about three hours. For two of those hours, my date spoke of nothing but Star Trek. Now, I know we both like Star Trek, but unless we both show up in costume, it's probably just not a good idea to talk only about it for two hours. That's a lot of Star Trek.

The other hour, we mostly talked football. Which is fine with me.

I ordered a burger and a beer. He ordered some kind of appetizer thing and a beer. He had already started on one when I got there (20 minutes early), so this was his second.

He had a third and was schmammered. Like, got up to go to the bathroom and could barely walk, schmammered. Again, it's not like I'm against someone getting drunk, but maybe it's not such a great idea on a first date.

At that point, he was ready to go (obviously), so we paid the tab. I paid more than half, though my part was less than half. He insisted on paying cash, and I put in most of what I had. The tab was $46 or so, I put in $30 and he put in $20. Leaving the bartender...the worst tip in the world (less than 10%). When I tried to argue about it, he said, "I don't wanna do math" and led me out the door. Seriously? Minus 20 points. You do not leave the bartender a crappy tip.

We walked outside and he said, "So, can I walk you to your car?"

I said, ", noooo...that's okay. I...parked really far away. There's no need for you to do that. No. And actually, you know, gosh I have to pee. I think I'm going to go back inside and do that (and leave the bartender the rest of my cash)."

I would think that any normal human being would have taken that as a "don't kiss me" sign, but before I knew it, he was leaning in, with his tongue literally sticking out of his mouth. I turned my face and pulled back quickly. But not fast enough. He licked up the entire right side of my face.


I said, "Okay, I'm going to go pee now. Um. Thanks!"

He said, "I'll call you soon!"


I went inside, gave the bartender my cash and waited for him to leave. Then I went to a nearby bar and had a beer on my own.

And actually met a funny and interesting man. Hhhmmm...


Just A Girl said...

Ok, the bad tip would've been a huge turn off, but licking my face? NO. That probably would've gotten him slapped. Did he call you?

PQ said...

Getting drunk -- Oh hell no.

Bad tip -- I will cut you.

Lick my face? -- Die now.

That is all.

Organic Meatbag said...

Holy shit, licked your face? What a fucking douche bag...

LiLu said...

Oh, I so would've trumped that tip right in front of his face. Asshats need to LEARN.

Tony said...

Wow. I just don't know what to say. Based on what you consistently post in your blog, I have come to the conclusion that I must be the best date ever. Just wow.

Renee said...

Yes! I agree with LiLu! I would have drawn attention to his douchebaggerynessesessss. Interesting guys around here. I'm totally impressed by you actually having the juevos to do this! Way to be you! Please tell us more about this fella you met!

Mary said...

OK, rule #1 of dating: never date a guy who can't hold his alcohol as well as you can! Yikes.

And crappy tippers? Also tend to skimp in other areas. Maybe if you'd out-tipped him he would have been less inclined to taste your face. Lesson learned, I guess ;).

Jay Ferris said...

My brother actually met his wife online, and back in 2001 on WebTV no less!

As for Douchey McNogame, let's just hope that he was a stepping stone to something better.

GingerMandy said...

this is why you're awesome!!

i think that even if service totally sucks, a guy should leave a decent tip on the first date just for "impressions" sake. otherwise they look like a lame, drunk, cheapass. and yea, if you can outdrink someone, not a good match. i've learned that from experience as well.

Cokeman said...

Wait, since when was licking faces considered bad? Shit. No wonder I'm single. #doingitwrong

If this guy spent two hours talking, that would've been enough to turn anyone off, let alone the fact that it was two hours of Star Trek. Did he do any listening in those two hours? Red flag, red flag.

The tip, or lack thereof, would have been a red flag too. I suppose he either doesn't realize, or doesn't care, that tips are their livelihood.

I wonder how he treats his mother.

Ed Adams said...

Maybe you're just too damn picky!

There's probably people somewhere who'd pay good money for a licking. Sick individuals that they are.

Next time, try saying this..."Lower and Slower".

Or better yet, leave during hour 1 of Spock talk.

moooooog35 said...

* crossing "licking girls' face" off my patented moves list.

Thanks for the tip.

deadleafecho said...

Don't you know face licking is part of a Klingon mating ritual? And you claim to like Star Trek.

f.B said...

Drunk.. after 3? I guess that's cool.

And I can't believe he owned the face-licking. Call you soon? Really?

Losing It said...

this... is not made up? do you swear? because i am appalled at the horribleness of all this. jesus h. christ.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

OH please keep dating. I shouldn't take entertainment from your discomfort but its unavoidable. You write so well and I can just hear more spite flowing into the 'Well of Your Bitterness". There is a snarky twenty something dating manual in there somewhere. Be strong girl. We all love you.

Graygrrrl said...

Oh jeez... A face licker. Definitely good you learned about his alcoholism before things got worse. There's only room for 1 drunk in a relationship, and by golly, that drunk should be you!

justjp said...

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Wow. Sorry to hear that, but it was funny as hell.

cool as folk said...

Face lick on a first day? That's kinda raunchy.

Jay said...

oddly enough this makes me miss dating and telling my girlfriends about the good/bad/ugly. But I never online dated which I am grateful for. I am too judgey for that shit.

Mega8815 said...

Oh wow! I would run like hell as well! LOL!!!
And getting drunk?! Oh that's a loss of a million points right there. Especially if I'm NOT drunk. Ggggrrrrrrrrr!

I also find it interesting to meet ppl like that. It's so random. I'm so random. You learn something new everyday. It also makes for good blog/laughing material.

Good luck

shine said...

UPDATE for everyone: He did indeed call while I was in the shower last night. Left me a message about what a great time he had and asked if I'd like to do something this weekend. Truth. Can't say I'll be calling him back.

Antje Spethmann said...

Hey Shine...did you consider that the spots on your face could be an allergic reaction? Now that would be hilariousness.
FYI, how many of you do this... take 10-percent of the total with tax included, double it... leave that as a tip?

NatalieCottrell said...

This is EXACTLY why I would rather insert and remove contact lenses in my eye over and over than go on a date. I don't care how I met them (and I actually thinking meeting online makes more sense in terms of chosing a date since you can actually verify they know how to use proper grammar and form a sentence), dates are generally beatings and, more often than not, end with some sort of schenanigans, as you wonderfully relayed. Tho, I will say, they do make for AWESOME stories! =)

Phronk said...

How do these people even exist? And how do you manage to always find them? Sheesh.

You should send me your OKCupid username so I can send you creepy perverted messages you can post on your blog.