Some people just shouldn't date.

I am one of those people.

This weekend, I had my second OKCupid date. It was...interesting. Yeah, let's go with that.

First, I'd like to say, for the record, that I'm tired of being asked if I need to be in a relationship to feel like a whole person. I don't. I'm not expecting to find love on the internets. But it's good for stories and interesting experiences.

I also don't think that people only resort to online dating because they're pathetic, anti-social losers who can't meet people any other way. It's a valid, albeit less likely to work (just because there are a lot of weird things about it), way to meet people these days. I'm out all the time. I meet people in public all the time. I talk to strangers a lot.

That being said, this is definitely an adventure.

My first OKCupid date was fine. He was funny, but I didn't really feel very attracted to him. At the end of the date, he kissed me. And that pretty much sealed the deal. The kiss? Was meh. Dry with hard lips and no tongue. And I don't mean sweet and soft no tongue. I mean awkward no tongue.

My second date was Sunday night.

I'm just going to clear this up before I get started. I actually like Star Trek. Quite a bit even.

Okay, now that that's out of the way...

We met at a bar to watch the Denver Broncos/Chicago Bears pre-season game (Ouch, Jay Cutler. Rough reception). I didn't really have a lot of excitement about the date, but I figured a little football, a little beer, how bad could it be?

And really, it could have been much much worse.

We hung out for about three hours. For two of those hours, my date spoke of nothing but Star Trek. Now, I know we both like Star Trek, but unless we both show up in costume, it's probably just not a good idea to talk only about it for two hours. That's a lot of Star Trek.

The other hour, we mostly talked football. Which is fine with me.

I ordered a burger and a beer. He ordered some kind of appetizer thing and a beer. He had already started on one when I got there (20 minutes early), so this was his second.

He had a third and was schmammered. Like, got up to go to the bathroom and could barely walk, schmammered. Again, it's not like I'm against someone getting drunk, but maybe it's not such a great idea on a first date.

At that point, he was ready to go (obviously), so we paid the tab. I paid more than half, though my part was less than half. He insisted on paying cash, and I put in most of what I had. The tab was $46 or so, I put in $30 and he put in $20. Leaving the bartender...the worst tip in the world (less than 10%). When I tried to argue about it, he said, "I don't wanna do math" and led me out the door. Seriously? Minus 20 points. You do not leave the bartender a crappy tip.

We walked outside and he said, "So, can I walk you to your car?"

I said, "Oh...um, noooo...that's okay. I...parked really far away. There's no need for you to do that. No. And actually, you know, gosh I have to pee. I think I'm going to go back inside and do that (and leave the bartender the rest of my cash)."

I would think that any normal human being would have taken that as a "don't kiss me" sign, but before I knew it, he was leaning in, with his tongue literally sticking out of his mouth. I turned my face and pulled back quickly. But not fast enough. He licked up the entire right side of my face.

Ugh.

I said, "Okay, I'm going to go pee now. Um. Thanks!"

He said, "I'll call you soon!"

AAAAHAHHHHHHHH!

I went inside, gave the bartender my cash and waited for him to leave. Then I went to a nearby bar and had a beer on my own.

And actually met a funny and interesting man. Hhhmmm...