02 September 2009

How (not) to have a good birthday.

I haven't really had many good birthdays. In fact, that was so much the case, that at one point, I decided that I would just spend them alone (and for a few years, I did). So as to circumvent the disappointment of having a crappy one.

My last two were marred by my boyfriend either yelling at me (at which point I cried) or bitching and moaning about fucking square plates at the burger joint where we were eating for half an hour.

No, I'm not joking. Yes, feel free to call me an idiot for dating him for over a year.

The one stand-out birthday should always be your 21st birthday, right? Well, let me tell you about mine.

I was living with a roommate at the time. Sweet girl. One of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Not always the brightest, but a wonderful human being. Aside from that nasty passive-aggressive streak.

She was a little younger than me and we were both super excited about my birthday. She told me not to make any plans; she was going to take care of everything. Like an idiot, I listened.

What she had neglected to contemplate was that she was still only 20. So, you know, she couldn't do anything that I couldn't do the day before. I hadn't really thought about it either, since I had no idea what the plans were.

On the big night, I looked at her expectantly. I was sort of hoping for a party. No one has ever thrown me a birthday party. Including me.

Her big plan? We would go to the grocery store, I would purchase some Mike's Hard Lemonade (the only thing we would both drink), and then we would stay home and play games.


Let's recap.

My 21st birthday was spent drinking lame-ass, sugary, malt beverage whilst sitting on the living room floor playing Uno. Just the two of us.

This year, I turn 30. I'm thinking about going on a cruise. Or renting out the bounce house.

What are your awesome/lame birthday stories?


Antje Spethmann said...

Lame...? No, I do birthdays pretty well.
Only, this year we had the boisterous little dinner event at my house where Hello Titty's 14 year old son announced that his gf was pregnant. Oh, yeah, and my then boyfriend was in another state not talking to me. And, there were no single men around so I did not get laid. Then, on the actual day, we had dinner at a bar and my roommate, who had arranged to surprise me by ordering dessert and paying my tab, got very upset and had to leave.
Not sure what cruise you refer to, but I usually (when I am actually employed) rent a party barge on a lake somewhere in the Metromess and invite friends out to swim, eat, drink and generally cool off (it's July).

ELVIS said...

I slaughtered a live goat and ate it with friends and some wild animals I think and licked and enjoyed a wonderful beautifully created pussy. That was my best birthday. Sadly it was the last celebrated in that 'distinguished style'and t'was 2 years ago. Now I'm reformed, not religious reformed. No. Just reformed.

Organic Meatbag said...

Don't worry, I had a shit 21st fact, I don't even remember it...I don't remember most of my birthdays...but maybe that's because I'm getting old should definitely do a cruise, much fucking fun, food, and booooooze!

Graygrrrl said...

I don't think my 21st was anything special either. I can't even remember what I did (and not because I was wasted, simple because it was uneventful). Now, my birthdays are at the same bar on the same day every year. I spice it up with different "sponsors" like Mojito's and Absinthe. I make really cute flyers too. Love it and everyone has a good time.

PS- what is the name of this party barge company Antje? The last barge I was on had 1 bathroom w/no light and you couldn't flush. So...gross.

I vote Bounce House!!!!

Jay Ferris said...

I remember my 13th birthday, which happen to fall on a Saturday. After waking up, my Mom said "Happy Birthday" and then tossed me a plain gray sweatshirt, which was one size too big. THAT WAS IT. Although I have to say, it did help me create the ridiculously low expectations I now have for my birthday every year.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

My lamest birthday involved my brother going on for ages about how good his present was, and then giving me the biggest box I'd ever received. I unwrapped it, and inside was a smaller box. Inside that was a smaller box, and inside get the picture. After about ten minutes of slowly diminishing (yet still optimistic) excitement, I finally opened the smallest box. There was nothing inside.

My wife had the worst birthday ever this year. January, in Toronto. Minus 30 degrees outside. The power fails in the morning and doesn't come on until about 10:00pm. It covered about a three square mile area. Her birthday was spent in hat, coat and gloves in our living room, with nothing to eat and trying not to freeze to death.

longredcape said...

On my 21st birthday, I got so drunk I asked my mom if she wanted to smoke pot with me on the roof of her house.

She politely declined.

mysterg said...

I don't do birthdays.

f.B said...

i haven't had a birthday party since, like, elementary school. lame. i'm thinking about changing that this year. i've got two months to think about it.

justjp said...

We should do a blow out cruise to the islands or go to baja. That would be awesome.

My ex, thought it would be a good idea to book a bed and breakfast. She used my b-day as an excuse to have a vacation. It was totally gay and I think that is when I realized I wasted almost 4 years of my life.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

In my twenties most birthdays found me waking up in my front yard blessing the cool cool grass. I hate them now. Like New Years. All hype and no payoff.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i turn 30 in 2010 and my girlfriends and i who are all also turning 30 in 2010 are renting a house in AZ and living it up. it's a great way for everyone to celebrate their birthdays together!

i think you should also do something like that...

Mega8815 said...


Can I say FUCKED UP of your friend? Was she possessive over you or WTF?!

My 21st birthday party was the only one I really went big on. I planned everything myself to the last detail. It turned out awesome. Okay, there were a couple of speedbumps...

FilmFemme said...

Ok, my 21st birthday was completely bitchin' so I won't rub it in, but can I jump in your bouncehouse/go on your cruise? PLEEEEAAASSSEEE??