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09 October 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Dating Rules

Okay, so I know I broke up with dating a while back. But we sort of got back together.

I know.

I think what I really meant to do (aside from getting away from the crazy freaks I'd been out with) was break up with all the rules associated with dating. Maybe you love them. But I? Am done.

If you want to date me (and I'm sure none of you do), I'm not going to engage in some complicated ritual of waiting to call, trying to be mysterious, getting you to buy me things, and stressing over sex.

Coy: I don't do it.

I spent some time perusing the Internets for dating rules. I came upon a little gem at TopDatingTips.com. They have rules specifically for women.

Some of my favorites:

Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild. (I'm just bad at this. If I know something, it's going to come out of my mouth. Period.)

Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more. (No, sometimes more is more. What about that great date where you sit and talk for hours and feel like it's only been ten minutes? How can you have that date if you have to keep them all brief?)

Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab. (This sort of disgusts me, personally. Why does his interest hinge on money? Why am I not capable of paying my own way? If both parties are gainfully employed, it's ridiculous to expect the man to always pay. Take turns. It's FAIR.)

Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything. (Ugh. Have sex when you're ready to have sex. Just don't confuse sex with love. They're not the same.)

Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative. (I've killed people for less. Being late is just rude.)

Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying. If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday. (REALLY?!? I would walk away immediately. If you genuinely have a challenging, busy schedule, there's nothing wrong with that. But don't just make it up to be difficult. Have the balls to be real.)

Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
(What does this mean? Are you traveling? Playing football? I'm confused.)

Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him. (Flowers are nice, I suppose. Until they DIE. And how do you ensure this anyway?)

If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else. (Okay, this one I mostly agree with. Create your own damn opportunities. I don't know about this "creating the need" business, though.)

Consider this: What if you just went out, acted like yourself (the you you are when you're with your best friends), talked about whatever felt natural (I suppose there are exceptions. He probably doesn't need to know about your indigestion right away, save it for date two.), did whatever felt right (aside from holding up a liquor store or murdering anyone), and had a good time? Why must there be all these jackass rules?

23 comments:

Margaret Benbow said...

YAY SHINE! Please keep being your natural self. As to why others use "all these jackass rules," they think they can turn themselves into Scarlett O' Hara by artificial behavior...but it only works in the short term. If the guy has a brain in his head, he WILL eventually figure out what the woman is really like.

Just A Girl said...

Yeah, these rules might get you through a month or two but it's never ever going to lead to something long term. God. Stupid jerk rules.

justjp said...

Rules are bullshit. Sex is sex, don't confuse them. Also, if you are late, I am out. Back in the day this would be okay. Now, my time is precious and I take it as a sign of disrespect.

Clevelandpoet said...

the woman who followed those rules would probably be annoying.....

should one not rob a liquor store? damn.

M said...

These make me want to barf. It's like feminism never existed. Retarded.

Carissajaded said...

"keep your man standing on quicksand..." Soooo.. their advice is to be flaky, wishywashy and/or and pretend not to know what you want? Nice. And I suppose we are also supposed to pretend to be someone we're not? If this is the reason I don't have a boyfriend,then I officially don't care anymore.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I hate how all this advice isn't helping you find someone who adores you for the cool chick that you are. I know girls who aren't a tenth as capable or funny or accepting as you who have guys stacked ten deep waiting to date them. Then again I live in Crazytown. Here's hoping that pumpkin coach arrives for you. I tried to be snarky this time but I just can't do that to you anymore.

Jay Ferris said...

Coincidentally, these exact same rules can be found at HowToBeAGiganticCunt.com.

mysterg said...

Rules are made for breaking!

I have something for you over at my blog.

f.B said...

most of these rules are ironic, right? they have to be.

and i'm with you. what does "Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly" even mean? i hate standing on quicksand. actually, i can't stand on quicksand. i fall through and get trapped. that's the whole point of quicksand.

MrLettuce said...

I don't know, but all the folks I've dated seem to follow these rules to a 't'. If I like someone, why not try to get to know them? The whole waiting three days to call rule, while not on this list, just slays me.

RedDreads said...

This is hysterical! Some people are just insane... Stop playing games and live life, people!

Tom Bailey said...

Just opinion:

It really depends on the guy... if you are willing to date a guy that you are physically NOT into at all he might go for a plan like this... water seeks its own level... so being on a similar level behavior like this will not cut it.. but if the guy is beneath you in attraction this will work.. because the guy does not have as many options so he is willing to jump through bizzare hoops to get to a woman.

Best regards

NatalieCottrell said...

Wow. It's because of crap "rules" like these that people are so retarded when it comes to dating. So you're supposed to go up to the guy, ensure he will send you flowers, then don't answer his calls until he leaves two messages? Who wants to date that bi-polar hot mess?? I'm out on the whole thing. I am all for the guy who seems like your best friend (in terms of being able to be the true you in front of this gentleman), and then all of the sudden you're like, "Hey, we can make the sex. Let's!" Great times.

Graygrrrl said...

When were these rules written?

Glenn said...

Thought the letter to you're Uterus was histerical LOL Hope things are getting better. That's life or so they say. Thank's for the dating advice....note to self.

latenightdramaqueen said...

Ugh, I hate "the rules." People just need to be themselves and get over the stupid games.

Belles Raising Hell said...

if you figure out any kind of formula that works, i am all ears. rules or none, it all fails to me!
M

Juice said...

Hahahah I think Jay makes a decent point. Personally, as a guy, I think if you play those games, you're dumped.

What happened to meeting a guy and just having a really fun spontanous time. Any cock can buy flowers - but eg. will you bungy jump with just anyone?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

love this. I mean some of these rules i tried following but when it's right there are no rules.

Katie said...

The funny thing is, once you get a guy by following these rules, he's quickly going to lose interest because once the adrenaline and confusion resulting from your bizarro bipolar behavior have worn off, he's going to realize he has no idea who you are, and it's entirely likely he won't like that person once he starts getting to know the insecure mass of stupid is under all of those rules.

Be yourself. The end.

Matt said...

"Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative"

I cant tell you how irritating it is to always have to be waiting on someone.

Phronk said...

I completely agree with you. Especially with the horrible rules here.

I look at these, and all I see is "there is absolutely nothing interesting about me, so I don't say much and pretend I'm better than you in order to trick you into thinking there is some mysterious and fascinating ulterior motive other than dullness and dishonesty." Any dude worth being with wouldn't fall for these little tricks, leaving only dimwits that can put up with it long enough to bone her.