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08 October 2009

TMI Thursday - But she can't use tampons...

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

TMI Thursday


When I was 11-years-old, my mom moved me and my sister from Nashville, Tennessee to Honolulu, Hawaii. The whys and hows are long and boring.

We lived in Honolulu for a year. (I know what you’re thinking…no, it wasn’t really awesome.) During that year, my mom and my (now) step-dad tried their hands at a few tropical hobbies, like scuba diving.

This also happened to be the year that my uterus decided to start releasing eggs or whatever, so I could make the babies. Apparently my uterus thinks I’m Mormon or in a cult or something.

Dear uterus,

I do not want to make the babies. I certainly didn’t when I was 11. Please fall out and die and stop making me bleed every month. This is getting ridiculous.

Love,
Shine


Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

On the blessed day, I was home alone with my (now) step-dad. Let’s just say that he wasn’t on my list of favorite people. And here I am, bleeding from my tiny girl parts with barely a clue as to what’s happening to me.

I asked to call my mother, he asked why. I said, “I just want to call Mom, okay?”

I called my mom at the hospital (she’s a nurse) and explained what was going on in hushed tones. She laughed and told me it was just my period and no big deal. Turns out I wasn’t dying after all. I didn’t want her to tell my (now) step-dad because I was horrified about the whole thing.

She said she wouldn’t tell, but she would have him bring me to the hospital so she could give me some stuff.

Yes, I’m the only kid probably in the history of the world who actually had to go to the hospital for her first period.

I handed the phone back to my (now) step-dad and of course my mom proceeded to tell him what happened.

He turned to me with a big shit-eating grin on his face and said something horrible like, “I hear someone’s becoming a woman!”

Gross.

I immediately burst into tears.

The ride to the hospital was silent. We found my mother and she took me to the bathroom. Apparently the only “supplies” they had at the hospital were the, uh, GIANT PADS they give the pregnant women AFTER CHILDBIRTH. It was almost as tall as me, and nearly as thick as my arm. And I was supposed to fit it in my pants…

I waddled out and my (now) step-dad took me home.

Over the next couple of months, my mother suggested I try to use tampons. That was a no-go. At the ripe old age of 11, my vagina was a steel trap. And it did NOT want to be stuffed with cotton. So every month, when I got my period, I couldn’t swim.

One of said weekends, my mom and my (now) step-dad were going scuba diving. I went along to hang out on the boat. Some of their friends were there, and one couple brought their 18-year-old son.

Their drop-dead gorgeous (mind you, I was 12, at this point…) 18-year-old son. I fell in love on the spot. I had no plan, but I knew that we should get married and make many babies (And I could! I started my period!). I’m guessing he didn’t even really notice me. At first.

As we’re heading out on the water, the beautiful boy’s mom asked my mom, “Is Shine going to be snorkeling?”

Now, this would be a time when a simple “no” would suffice.

Instead, my mother said (right in front of the beautiful boy), “No, Shine is on her period. She hasn’t learned how to use tampons yet, so she can’t get in the water.”

Cue red face.

I don’t think I spoke a word for the rest of the trip.

Thanks, Mom!

23 comments:

Lucia said...

OMG!!!

Joanna said...

This explains so much.

That Girl said...

Awwww CHET!

=/

Travis said...

Brutal honesty.

It's not all that great.

M said...

Why are mothers so evil? I think they enjoy being mean.

Just A Girl said...

WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?? "Someone's becoming a woman" is like, the worst possible response ever. I'm sooooooo glad I was almost 15 when I got my period. At the time I was all "Omg I'm SO BEHIND!" but now I'm like "What's the return policy on this here gift?"

StarzGazR said...

OMG! THATS HORRIBLE!!!!

Jay Ferris said...

I'm scared to think in what ways you returned that embarrassment to her during your later teenage years, but whatever you did she obviously deserved it. And if makes you feel better, my Mom once announced in front of 200 people that I had diarrhea.

XO, J said...

horrifying....

Alice said...

you know, at the time, getting my period at 16 and 3/4 seemed horrific, but it reeeallly cut down on occurances like this here one.

Margaret Benbow said...

Shine, there are hundreds of women who read your post, and a lot of them have thought all their lives that they had the world's worst and most traumatic first period--but now they're thinking, "Meh, it wasn't so bad!"

txsjewels said...

for a week after my youngest sister got her period, my (then & now) dad put a tampon on her breakfast plate.

so wrong. yet so funny in she's-a-brat-anyway kind of way.

GingerMandy said...

yea my vag was expecting me to be a whore from a very young age, because i got my period when i was 9. and my mom was just as bad. this is why you just wait til she gets old and tell everyone about when she starts wetting the bed and shitting her pants. karma's a bitch mama!

Ed Adams said...

Hospital Pad......stolen

Extra small tampons.....non-existant

Embarrassing your pre-teen daughter in front of a hot boy..........PRICELESS.

For everything else, there's UrMomsaBitch Card.

Carissajaded said...

hahaha thats so awful! I don't know if I would have gotten over that! She must have done that on purpose or totally wasn't thinking...

And if it makes you feel any better.. I didn't go to the hospital on the day I started my period.. but I did have to go the first time I wore a tampon, buts thats another TMI story.

Cassie said...

Bahaha! That is horrible. My family did the same thing to me though. I was about 12 and I was going to my boyfriends house just for the day, but my grandmother felt the need to pull his parents aside and let them know I was on my period just in case I needed anything. I was embarrassed the whole day anytime either of his parents even looked at me because I knew they knew!

Andhari said...

I would have totally run somewhere or something. I wonder why moms think doing this is cute.

LiLu said...

OMG. I barely whispered it to my mother and she slipped me a box of tampons. Secretly. IN THE KITCHEN WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS HOME.

Wow.

Jeney Peney said...

Oh lordy... and here I thought my first period was awful.

Here's to awkward parents and bleeding uteruses (uterusi? 'uteruses' looks wrong).

f.B said...

i really can't even imagine what the parallel of this would be for guys. not that i'm disappointed, though. wow.

Juice said...

Ewwww, I kept reading. Why!?

Pretty funny though. Maybe your mum was announcing to the fella that you were ripe for bewedding? I think in the old days it was a great thing wasn't it.

Phronk said...

Red face? I thought it only came out the one hole?

I have a lot to learn about women.

Zan said...

This reminds me of the time when my uncle (guardian) made it a point to (loudly) point out to my thirteen-and-still-had-mosquito-bites-for-boobies-self that I must have been wearing a bra...

...in the middle of dinner...

...in a crowded restaurant...

...I'd buried that memory.