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07 October 2009

Wednesday Wipeouts

Sit down, strap in, and hold on for today's edition of Wednesday Wipeouts!

Subject: Hello

You have a very nice profile and you're a very beautiful woman, I like the fact that you don't hold back on cussing sounds kinda crazy but I enjoy a woman who cusses and isn't afraid to offend. Smart ass women turn me on and so do redheads yeah I'm proly to crazy for you but I thought I would email you and find out I'm not looking to have any more kids I've got two that are half grown and I'm done LOL but I'm just looking for a honest, good hearted woman that cusses and speaks her mind when she wants, has her own opinion and doesn't just agree with me right away type, someone who can be my friend as well as lover, someone to walk holding hands with on the beach as well as play wrestle with each other over the last cupcake in the house :)
I laugh and smile all the time it's a brain problem people say...Well holla back if u want to ?

[I know you're surprised that I didn't leave his name here]


Every time you forget a period, someone kills a kitten. You don't want that, now do you?

And in another really fine venture into the creepy:

Subject: You're/your/ur :)

Hey [nope, you don't get to know that either]

Well, you're definitely sarcastic in your profile. And you must be smart since you abhor Nickelback. But I just don't get the feeling that you're very thirsty... Did the 3/4 glass of Guinness that you knocked back not do the trick?

You sound like a lot of fun. And you cuss like a sailor; five aborted attempts in the first 50 words is pretty impressive. I could definitely bring you around my kiddos (it wouldn't surprise me if they actually made you blush!) but how am I going to bring you around my mother? ;)

-[I wonder what his mom's name is, don't you?]


Talking about taking me to meet your children and mother is a good way to freak me the hell out. No thank you.

23 comments:

Just A Girl said...

I barfed a little bit.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I dread the time when you no longer have options and these boys start looking good to you. I assume we all have permission to push you down the stairs the moment that happens?
'Go' word - tippytoe

carissajaded said...

oh wow. This Doesn't make me miss online dating at all.

M said...

Just when you think they can't get any weirder...

Late-Night Drama Queen said...

Wow. The lack of periods in the first one burns my eyes/brain. And totally did not expect that to end with something like "holla back."

Jay Ferris said...

A plus side to the first guy is that it sounds like what he really wants is for you to burn him with cigarettes and hold him underwater for extended periods of time. Which could be fun for you for in a completely different kind of way.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Shit like this makes me glad I'm not trying to find anyone.

And, really, did that second guy imply that Guinness slakes your thirst? Moron.

Ed Adams said...

More winners from Shine's Dating closet.

You're like the cowboy with shit in his mustache......you're looking for love in all the wrong places.

Joanna said...

I wanted to share this OKCupid article with you. They analyzed their data to discover that - SURPRISE! - the creeps who respond like your wipeout guys get shitty responses.

Example
Creep: hi, cutie, u r realy beautiful lol I rly luv wat u cant hit?
Shine: ...


http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/14/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/

NatalieCottrell said...

I have to agree with Jay. Why didn't Suitor #1 just straight up ask if you were into beating your mate senseless while cussing and hurling tomatoes at him? Cut to the chase, peeps.

Joanna said...

I swear I've tried this before and the Blogger rejected my HTML

f.B said...

at. a. loss.

there was one period in that first one. ONE.

Alice said...

this inspired me to pull up my okcupid profile just to be able to share one of my emails with you. here's a good one!

"hello baby..you look really beautiful.can you be my princess...i will treat you like a jewel...i will make you happy.i will be your number one fantasy.you can write me back so we can get to know each other.cheers"

i sure missed the boat with that one. ALAS.

Antelope said...

That okcupid dating advice is fascinating. I've never seen a graph of the word "awkward" before. Also, how come there are smart and funny people who comment right below that, and none of them are sending messages to our delightful Shine (TM)?

adriana said...

These are starting to just make me sad.

Juice said...

wow thats just amazing isn't it a girl writes as the first thing in her profile that she gets spastic about punctuation and some guy tries to pick her up with that mess my god fuck its hard to write like this

a girl named k said...

god i love online dating. i especially love the guys who, even though you never reply, send the same email every other day for 2 weeks. real winners.

Narm said...

Every time he forgets a period? More like every time my gf misses her period.

Too far?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

so with these stellar messages from possible suitors i need to know if you respond to them at all.

i would probably just say see-ya freak!

Tarra Slovan said...

I bet Scott Boxenbaum wrote that

Maryx said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sounds like the first guy can't do anything for himself and wants to be told how, what and where and to be dominated. The second one is just a bit disturbing.

I have a very dominant personality but I hate being the dominant one. I want someone stronger than me. To take care of me. But that's how it should be right?

cool as folk said...

Wait, I don't get it. Is the 'brain problem' bit supposed to make himself sound more appealing? To me it screams RUN, RUN AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.

Margaret Benbow said...

EEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK! Shine, you get yourself a nice big Rottweiler, and do it NOW, girl!