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13 October 2009

Who knew a purse could crash a plane?

This weekend, I traveled to Huntsville, Alabama for the wedding of two of my friends. It was beautiful. A bug flew in my eye and caused it to tear up, but I did NOT cry. Of course, I don't want to talk to you about that sappy stuff, though.

Let's talk airlines. As an experiment, I left my cell phone on for the duration of both flights.

The plane did not crash.

Has anyone ever contemplated what would happen if we all just refused to put our seat backs and tray tables in their fully upright and locked positions? If this actually affects the way the plane takes off and lands, someone please let me know.

I'm pretty sure this is all just an elaborate game between flight attendants to see what they can get a flight of people to do next. Or rather, not to do. Because they still have to give their oxygen mask/seat belt demonstration every time and no one has bothered to listen since 1982.

The latest? You can't even hold your purse in your lap while the plane is taking off and landing. So I was sitting on the plane, in the first row, where I couldn't put my purse under the seat in front of me because there was no seat in front of me and I was thinking to myself, "It's cool, self, just hold your purse." Then they told me I couldn't hold my purse. Unfortunately, it's the kind of purse that has no zipper. As you can imagine, I didn't really feel comfy putting it up in the overhead bin so things could fall out of it all over the place.

--You know what they never say any more? They never tell you to be careful opening overhead bins because carry-on items may have shifted in flight. You know why? Because overhead bins are now stuffed like sardines in a can because they've limited what you can bring on the damn plane while simultaneously deciding that the cargo space they already built into the plane for your damn luggage is now prime real estate, for which you must pay. Assholes. In other news, my hair is a frizzy mess without some kind of product in it and they don't make mousse in travel size. So yeah, I looked vaguely like carrot top for the entire weekend. I can only hope there are no pictures. But it was a WEDDING.--

Instead of holding my purse, I held my wallet, phone, two books (I was almost done with one, so I had to have the second to start before the pilot turned off the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign...which he never did), and chapstick. I feel sure that this was better than me just holding my purse. I mean, if I need my hands, I could just sit my singular purse on the floor or whatever and now I'm doing a juggling act, but I kind of wanted to join the circus anyway.

To sum up, fuck you airlines, for making my life as difficult as possible. Also, homeland security? Let's get rid of the pretty color system, shall we? Has the threat even GONE below orange in the last eight years?

18 comments:

M said...

I always just slide mine under my own seat when I sit in the front row. Screw the people behind me. My purse usually weighs about 100 lbs too cause I have to have access to about 15 different things over the course of a flight.

Just A Girl said...

Yeah I'm pretty sure it's been consistently at orange. I barely even notice anymore, but every time I'm in the airport it's all "Due to the increased threat level blah blah" and I'm like "increased from what?" CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS ORANGE.

Jeney Peney said...

I hate airlines...

I used to be an operations manager for a swimming and diving team when I was in undergrad. Trying to get all 45 of my athletes, three coaches, a trainer, and myself onto an airplane was about as stressful as presenting my thesis was.

Bastards.

Jay Ferris said...

I think they're in cahoots with the fanny pack industry to try and bring them back in style. Resist!

Margaret Benbow said...

Can I also rave against selfish passengers who cram the overhead bins (and MY space) with their bloated tacky shit, and snarl like Rottweilers if questioned about it? Also, in the past I always accepted whatever Security did--I figured it was keeping us safe. But lately they've been going over the top. I like to wear a neck pouch so I'm not parted from ID and boarding pass, but the last time they insisted the pouch be in the little bin with watch, purse, etc. WTF????? The pouch is a little scrap of fabric, it has no metal in it. So I went through Security with my boarding pass and ID clenched in my teeth. I think you might be right, Shine, and airline employees have Dominatrix fantasies which they unleash on the innocent...

Stewart said...

The reason for the cell phones is that they can cause interference with communication equipment. If you put your phone next to a computer speaker the speaker will get fuzzy and make annoying sounds. Since there are people that would contantly use their phones on planes it could cause a lot of problems for the pilot. You WANT your pilot to have comms. Although the occasional annoying sound might just wake your pilot from his drunken stupor so who can say what is safer.

Also, what color is below orange? Yellow? White? And what exactly does orange mean? The system is far more complex then needed.

Emily said...

I've never turned my cell phone off. It's always on silent anyway, and it looses the connection once you are high enough in the air... I haven't been in a plane crash either because my phone was on.

LiLu said...

They let you keep your chapstick? I'm pretty sure you could've made a bomb out of that and a couple bags of peanuts.

mylittlebecky said...

i never turn off my cell phone and i never turn off my ipod. i just tell them that i'm using the earphones to block out the noise. i am such a rebel.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Good rant. Airlines are the devile. Its a contest to see how far they can push passengers until someone freaks out and then they have carte blanc to beat you to death wih a night stick and toss you out the plane. I have never been stranded on the runway for hours not being allowed to leave but I know I would go crazy if it was the happen. If I was ever in a plane crash like on 'Lost' where there were passanger and crew survivors I would have strangled all the flight staff before the following morning. Its all a power trip for them because they decided to take a job as waitresses in the worst restarant in the sky. Don't get me started on Mr Drinky Drink the pilot. "OOOOO look at me. I got a fancy hat and these pair of wings. Do you like Gladiator movies Billy?"

Graygrrrl said...

I refuse to sit in the bulk head. It is the devil! Also, I pick my seat way in advance becuase I'm particular. I always sit in the front half of the plane on a aisle. However, when I finally get to board, all the overhead bins are full of the back half of the planes shit. That doesn't help anyone! You think I'm not going to knock you down to get my stuff from where YOUR bags were supposed to be. What's up with the people who take up all the space in said bins but the storage under the seat in front of them is empty? I have luggage and guess what? It goes in the overhead bin! Not your computer or purse or stack of magazines. Put them at your feet!!!!

carissajaded said...

YOU ARE BRAVE! I always check my like ten times to make sure its off, for fear that the plane will crash and I will have contributed to the deaths of like 100 people. But as for planes in general they can kiss my ass. Last time I flew - I was running really late and had to throw out a whole bottle of perfume.

Antje Spethmann said...

Seat backs are up and tray tables locked during take off and landing because that makes it 1,000,000 times easier to get out of your row when there's an accident. And, the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of plane accidents happen on take off and landing. Trust me, you want to get out of your seat as fast as freaking possible.

The purse in the lap thing might have just been your particularly control-freakish flight crew. But, during one of the aforementioned take off and/or landing accidents, things do become projectiles. Maybe they figure if you've got 8 little things flying around that's less dangerous than a big, full thing.

PorkStar said...

yeah that whole thing is just ridiculous etiquette. As far as the no electronics or cellphones on during flight is utter bullshit too. Back in my first college, part of a research I did was the effect of electronics on a plane and even the FAA admits, there is NONE!

But whatever.

Erin said...

The Security People and the Airlines have really taken the fun out of traveling.

Ed Adams said...

I say, if you pay for a ticket, and are brave enough to board the flight,you should be able to put a body in your carry-on.

Stupid screeners.

Where has all the fun gone.

P.S. Missed you at the roast of Travis today.

Maryx said...

HAHAHA!! Clearly they are getting ridiculous!
But Antje Spethmann has a good point in all of those. =D If you really think about it.

latenightdramaqueen said...

I never thought about leaving my phone on as an experiment, but last time I flew, it turned itself back on while in my purse. I realized it after we landed, safe and sound. Now just don't go messing with people on your flight to BWI this weekend - I want you and M to arrive safe and sound and ready to playyyyy! :)