14 October 2009

Wednesday Wipeouts

Welcome back to another addition of Wednesday Wipeouts!

No subject on this one:

If I were to order off the menu of potential girl friends that would be good for both of us, I would order you. Let me know if there is interest on your part.


I have to admit, I'm a little confused about how he's planning to pick from a girlfriend menu to satisfy me. It's possible this is sweet, but it sounds a little creepy to me.


Frankly, this guy takes the cake. Not because of his message, but because of his profile.

Subject: I love your profile and we seem compatible.

You're smart and pretty and like to get around and have fun. I may be a bit older than you have in mind but please at least let me know what you think of my profile. I'd be honored to meet you someday.

[yes, he has a name]

Normally I wouldn't do this, but...I'm going to share a few excerpts from his actual profile. First, he's 55-years-old and looks everyday of it. I'd actually question his veracity at claiming to be so young. Second, I really dislike it when people tell me what I do and don't do. Third, while I don't personally practice polyamory, I have nothing against it. It's just not really for me.

In his self-summary: (This is only one of maybe six paragraphs.)

Note, some of you younger ladies (30's, 40's) may wonder why I'm interested, is it just the usual stereotype reasons? Actually, I think mostly not. Some ladies in their 30's have found me attractive and some have even become girlfriends, they seem to appreciate my maturity compared to the 30 something men they know who they say are like dogs or something... go figure... as for my own interest in women 30-60 who are in good health - having been widowed twice in 3 years gets old, I want someone who's not going to die on me this time - I'm not looking for pity and that may seem a bit selfish, and I'm not the healthiest guy around either, but I think I've paid my dues by now if you know what I mean. Besides, I'm in much better shape and plan to be around for a good long time, I've got too much to do before I go... ;)

What is he doing with his life?

Running my businesses, playing Dungeons & Dragons, playing bass and keyboard at jam sessions, working on various political projects, trying to save money, getting out to meet people and have fun.

The most private thing he's willing to admit here? (This section is INSANELY long. I'm really really really cutting down.)

[...] I'm polyamorous. I am NOT collecting a harem or anything like that but I am open to being blessed with a small number of high-quality loving Long Term Relationships that complement each other, I don't expect any one lady to meet all of my needs. Of course this is mutual, it works both ways, I don't expect to be your only boyfriend either. Polyamory is NOT cheating, it's the opposite of cheating, it's all above board and consensual. This is not about swinging or casual sex, it's about committed Long Term Relationships. It's about love more than sex, although of course responsible safe sex is required as with any relationship. To make poly work requires the same kind of commitment, honesty, understanding, and communication as in a marriage of 2, only more so.

Very few species are naturally monogamous, and humanity is generally not. Monogamy is natural for some people, polyamory for others. People have the capacity to love more than one person. Most people have multiple parents, children, siblings, or friends and love them all; none of them insist on being your only friend or whatever. Why should lovers be any different? Rules? Where do these rules come from?

If any of you think that this sounds immoral, I think that God would disagree with that idea; remember that many of the heroic role models of the Bible had dozens of wives and girlfriends. Of course that was in a sexist Middle Eastern culture; polyamory is the generic, non-sexist version of polygamy and is not oriented toward any specific religion. Just as I have enough love to share with more than one girlfriend, I wouldn't mind sharing you; you too should be able to have more than one lover if that works for you and them. Safe sex of course.

Jealousy is based on insecurity and the idea that if your lover falls in love with another, they'll leave and you'll lose them. With poly, this is not a problem, so jealousy gives way to compersion, in which you share your lover's happiness just as you would a friend's. Yes, it takes getting used to, but it feels so much better in the long run... with poly, you can be lovers and still be friends too [...]

[...] So here it is, yes, I'm poly, and I have a new girlfriend I met here on OKCupid. As I said above, I'm still available for dating, leading to friendships and ultimately, high-quality LTR's. You need not be poly but should be at least poly-compatible; it's up to you whether you also want or have other boyfriends or not (safe sex of course). For example, neither of my last 2 girlfriends wanted any other boyfriends besides me, but they didn't mind sharing me because they could see that I had enough love for both of them. They wanted to meet each other sometime, but never got the chance as one died and the other had to move away due to family issues [...]

[...] I've recently become aware of a possible further need for clarification. Opinions differ in the poly community about such labels as "primary", "secondary", etc. as people understandably don't like to be labelled, and who can really classify love anyway, right? Well, generally, these refer not to the relationship itself or how much love is involved, as these are not really quantifiable, but to the role of the relationship in the person's daily life. Don't get me wrong, my new girlfriend A. and I love each other very much, but this does not get in the way of her relationship with her spice (husband and wife), nor does it prevent me from seeking more relationships for myself. Indeed, her spice felt that her happiness would increase if she had another boyfriend, so they encouraged her to look, and we found each other here on OKCupid. They are happy for both of us. I feel that finding the right primary girlfriend/wife for me will enhance my own happiness (and hopefully yours as well, otherwise it would be pointless), and when I do, A. will be happy for both of us, just as a friend would be. Eventually you might want to meet her, but that's not required [...]

And finally, you should message him if...

[...] The more of these qualities you have, the more I want to meet you, but these are not all required, and close does partially count: white, Asian/Pacific, or Native American; 5'10" to 6'2"; 180# to 240#; voluptuous, soft and cuddly; IQ 130 to 160; religious minority (especially Pagan); libertarian/ancap; entrepreneur; techie; musician; D&D player; nudist; enthusiastic about sex (if and when the relationship gets to that point) and open to different things (not too kinky) [...]

[...] Please don't be offended but we are less likely to be compatible if you: are racist, sexist, homophobic, a religious bigot, etc.; want to preach at me or convert me; are closed-minded or have to always have things your way; are extremely conservative; think that morality cannot exist outside of religion; believe that America is (or should be) a "Christian nation"; believe that Witches are devil-worshippers; are a devil-worshipper yourself; can't stand the idea of dating someone over 250# or over 50 or of a different religion than yours; have significant mental health problems, or severe physical health problems (I'm not cruel, I've just done more than my share taking care of people with these problems and already lost a wife and a girlfriend); are just barely making it from check to check or cannot support yourself most of the time (same as previous note, I'm not greedy, I just don't need another burden); believe that it's commendable to be poor or that it's a sin to be rich or that rich people must be greedy or evil or exploiting the poor; are an addict; are abusive or violent or dishonest or passive/aggressive, or think that "little white lies" are no big deal; are unable to discuss issues or disagreements calmly and rationally; expect me to read your mind; think of abuse as something that men do to women; think that polyamory or open marriage are just forms of cheating and don't want to learn the difference; don't believe in dating and want to quickly move toward a closed, exclusive, monogamous, possessive relationship; believe in no sex until marriage; or are a nazi, communist, fascist, or other totalitarian [...]

I didn't edit any of that except to remove stuff (A LOT of stuff). I would have posted the whole thing, but it made me sleepy to read it.


M said...

Safe sex of course.

Just A Girl said...

Ok, I hate when people write like, one sentence in their profile but I also don't need to read your entire life story. Um and I'm totally with you on the whole "don't tell me what I do and don't do" thing.

GingerMandy said...

had i been one of his two past wives, i would have faked my own death too.

txsjewels said...

poly whah? hand me that menu again, i think i will order after all.

Joanna said...

Um, don't kill me. I think he sounds mature and open and interesting. TOTALLY not my thing at all with the poly and the pagan and the old, and TL;DR for sure, but I admire his thoroughness. Dude knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want. If I were you, I'd follow his lead and publish a list of your deal-breakers to keep people from wasting your time. :)

Stewart said...

The guy is clearly nuts, but you should date him so you can tell us what he's like in person.

Anonymous said...

uhm...this is my favorite part:

"as for my own interest in women 30-60 who are in good health - having been widowed twice in 3 years gets old, I want someone who's not going to die on me this time"

i almost just died laughing. oops - maybe that's not funny.

LiLu said...

I'm just impressed that a 55 year old is using emoticons.

lemmonex said...

Who wants to date a fucking libertarian?

The Peach Tart said...

run quickly

Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

Good fucking grief! I think we all deserve a cookie for getting through that guy's list o' craziness.

And I'm sorry...but he actually has girlfriends? Are they smokin' somethin'?

NatalieCottrell said...

You know, I think Charles Manson had a similar affinity for lots o' women and a few dead ones lying around. Hmmmmm, indeed.

Tony said...

What counts as "significant mental health problems" these days? He says he wouldn't be compatible with a racist, but he basically said that if you're Hispanic, black, or Middle-eastern, you need not apply. Hypocritical?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

"having been widowed twice in 3 years gets old"

This doesn't scream "serial killer" or anything...

Katie said...

When people start talking about being poly and pagan and spend way too much time telling you what's wrong with you if you aren't okay with it, I shut off. It's not even that I have a problem with people who are poly and/or pagan. I just hate it that so many of the people who take on those things (at least in name) do so just to demonstrate their social and intellectual superiority. And the fact that his "more open-minded than thou" attitude is accompanied by some very narrow preferences when it comes to ethnicity, body type and age?

The whole thing just screams douchebag. Crazy douchebag.

Margaret Benbow said...

Shine, when we cut through the blubber of the guy's profile, turns out he's a 250-pound(and up) 55-year-old (or more) raving male slut who's recruiting replacements for his harem, what with his wives obnoxiously "dying on him" as he puts it. He grandly refers to Old Testament figures (Solomon? King David?) as his role models. RUN, SHINE, RUN!!!

PorkStar said...

Although very creepy and was interested in reading the whooooole thing to see and read the amount of stupidity from men, it really gave me the sleepies half way down.

Who wants to date such a wrinkled nut job? Wrinkled nuts and all?

Fucking men, dude, im telling you, not even when they get older do they learn shit.

f.B said...

"believe that Witches are devil-worshippers; are a devil-worshipper yourself"

um. wait. confused. so he doesn't want you to degrade witches by saying they worship the devil, because that would be rude. does he know actual witches? why is he so invested in their reputation?

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT. Besides his entire WTF-material profile, I love how he tells you that you like to get around. Er, thanks?

Graygrrrl said...

Dude! I finally got me a crazy one:

Subject: D'oh Crap!

I am going to the Dallas Symphony Sunday at around 1pm - 4Pm.

If you want to join me, that would be great.

I did not read your profile really, but I am sure you are great and I love your nose.

Let me know.

If you have never been; dress code is old lady style. I will be wearing a light blue oxford and grey pleated pants, black leather shoes.

I will buy you drinks or whatever else you would like in appreciation."

Ed Adams said...


Sounds like that dude wrote more about that polyfuckasmanypeopleasyouwant or whatever....than he did about himself in the profile.

Is he starting a movement or trying to win converts?

Sounds like both.

P.S. Glad to see that you might have actually found someone good....judging by your comment on Lilu.

Juice said...

I don't really see a problem with his profile, sure he's weird as fuck, but maybe there is weird chicks who admire is views. Equally weird people. I guess you gotta remember this guy lived the 70's - he's probably still holding on. I wonder what you would think if he was 28, decent looking and didn't carry so much baggage.

I think he could probably do a little more research before he invites young attractive ladies to his floppy cock nightmare.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can't wait to see you.

Anonymous said...

Everything else looks ok, though.

Maryx said...

That's a bit too much don't ya think...?!
Oh hell now... sweetie I really hope you get good ones as well because if this is an example of all you get you have got to do something about it. Like posting something stating 'NO WEIRDOS!!!'

Though they'll probably not catch on anyway.

Blondie said...

OH my goodness! this is golden! He's less likely to be compatible with you if you're a religious bigot. That's a shame.