13 May 2009

Maybe it's just me?

I had another run in with the crazy sandwich lady at the grocery store. No, I wasn't ordering a sandwich. I was just trying to buy some crackers. And yet...there she was.

First contact was from four aisles away, "Hey there ma'am, can I help you find something?"

Lady, I'm walking with a purpose toward the cracker aisle. How could I possibly need your assistance?

"No thanks, I'm just going to get some crackers."

And it begins...

Her: What kinda crackers you need to-day, ma'am?
Me: I don't know. I'm going to look and figure it out.
Her: Well, did you want wheat crackers or club crackers or soda crackers or animal crackers or...

Seriously, it was like Bubba Gump shrimp up in this joint.

Me: I really don't know yet. I'm going to go look at the crackers in the cracker aisle and I'll figure it out.
Her: Well, whatcha eatin' 'em with?
Me: I don't know. Possibly cheese.
Her: What kinda cheese you get?
Me: I haven't gotten any cheese yet.
Her: Well, do you want cheddar or swiss or colby or pepper jack or...

And again with Bubba Gump shrimp. She must have had to memorize this crap to get a job. Wonder how she can remember 37 different kinds of cheese, but she can't remember that I want to punch her in the throat?

Me: I just really don't know. I'll decide when I get to the cheese.
Her: What kind of cheese you get might change what kind of cracker you need.
Me: I'm aware. But I assure you I can figure all of this out by myself.

At this point, I turned and walked away. To the cracker aisle. Where I ponder the cracker dilemma.

"Ma'am, don't forget we got crackers on this side, too."

She followed me to the cracker aisle! Can I really get arrested for assault at this point? I mean, I have proof that this woman has harassed me before, right?

Me: Yes, thanks, I can see that.
Her: They cookies in this aisle, too. Don't you forget to be gettin' some cookies.
Me: I don't need any cookies.
Her: Child, cookies aren't about need. Cookies are about want.

Okay, that's a good point...

But I would like to select my crackers in peace. Obviously, that's not in the cards, so I grab a box of Reduced-Fat Wheat Thins and start to walk away.

Her: Ma'am, that cheese is over here.
Me: I know. I don't want cheese right now.
Her: I thought you was eatin' these crackers with cheese.
Me: I said I might eat them with cheese. But either way, I don't want any cheese right now. Thanks for your help.

You know that power walking thing women used to do in the mall back in the day (do people still do that? Really?)? Yeah, I did that...all the way to the check out. With her trying to keep up and talking about other uses for crackers and the usefulness of my particular choice of cracker in multiple scenarios.

Luckily I had already gotten everything else I needed. I planned to make guacamole at my desk when I got back to the office, so I already had the ingredients for that. Once I put my stuff down on the belt, crazy sandwich lady finally decided it was okay to leave me alone.

The poor woman at the checkout is so dumb it makes me sad. But she's quiet and polite, so I don't mind so much. Today's bagger (not to be confused with a baller, mind you) was a rather large young man. He bagged groceries for the two people in front of me, then started bagging mine as they came down the conveyor belt. There were three grocery bags lying in the area next to the conveyor belt, as he started bagging my stuff.

"Hey, are these yours?"

Um, how could they be mine? The first of my groceries just grazed your hand and you have yet to put it in a bag. What, did I sneak over and bag three bags of groceries while you were standing right there?

"Uh, no. You haven't bagged any of mine."

So he asks, "Whose are these, then?"

Yeah, I don't know, because I just got here. "Maybe the guy in front of me?"

"But he's gone..."

Actually, no, he's standing right behind you looking for his groceries.

This guy clearly hadn't been to grocery-bagging (not to be confused with tea-bagging) school. He only put two things in each bag, and he dropped my avocado in its bag from practically shoulder height. And he refused to put my crackers in a bag, for some odd reason. He looked at me like I was insane when I put them in one of the bags.

Aside from a bruised avocado, I got out relatively unscathed. And now I can recite 37 kinds of cheese and tell you the possible uses for all the cracker varieties. Maybe it's worth the extra ten-minute drive to go to the next closest grocery store?

I'm starting to wonder, though. Does everyone have these kinds of experiences at the grocery store? Or is it just me?


FilmFemme said...

I think the people at my grocery store are required to ask everone if they need help, but most of them are so jaded they don't even stop walking when they ask. I love them for this.

adriana said...

I think it's just you. (Kidding, this shit happens to me all the time!)

I love your hilarious grocery store experiences, as they make me feel slightly more sane when I react nearly the same way.

Erin said...

I have the exact opposite experience at the store near my apartment. The deli department there is famous for looking right at you and then ignoring you for fifteen minutes and then sighing and stomping over and saying "what do you want?!?" when it becomes obvious that you are not going to leave.

Perhaps crazy grocery lady has a crush on you? :)

Losing It said...


PorkStar said...

The moment they start that shit with me, that's when I either walk out or I'll plain tell them "I do not need your help, THANK YOU!" and make it obvious they annoy me.

You had a lot of patience with that lady.

Toanny said...

It's not you, it's that store! I made the mistake of buying an entire week's supply of groceries there last month. With coupons. Even though I told the woman I had coupons and set aside all of the items that would be affected by the coupons, she still ran everything through and bagged it, then acted surprised when I pointed out the coupons again at the end and had to dig products out of the bags, one at a time, so she could scan them and entire the proper price discount. It took forEVER and I started to apologize to the people in line behind me because she was soooooo. sloooooow.
Ahem. Seriously. It's not you, except the part where you should stop repressing your urge to cuntpunch people, because sometimes rudeness and violence ARE the answer.

Toanny said...

*entire =/= ENTER

LBluca77 said...

Where do you shop? I always get ignored or get stuck behind the worlds slowest person in the check out line.

LiLu said...

I would have gone back in there with an assault rifle.

Well, okay. Maybe not.

But definitely a Super Soaker.

Killer B said...

We have a large book store chain up here and in complete contrast to your annoying cracker-lady, the employees at this bookseller are borderline retarded. If it's not Gossip Girl, it's best to go looking for it on your own.

shine said...

FilmFemme: Can I please shop at your store?

Adriana: As long as someone's getting something out of this...

Erin: That hadn't occurred to me. Crazy grocery lady stalker...eesh.

Losing It: At the freaking grocery store by my place of employment! I promise, I don't travel out of my way to go to crazyland.

PorkStar: I think that would have just egged her on. She is very focused on FREAKING ME OUT.

Toanny: You should know better. You've heard these stories in person...

Toanny: I already judged you, it's too late.

LBluca77: Those things happen to me, too. But at a different store. It's like Russian Roulette, seriously.

LiLu: Super Soaker. Great idea!

Killer B: Why would you be shopping for Gossip Girl at the book store? Doesn't that come on TV? I'm so confused! Bah! Pop culture!

Anonymous said...

"Cookies are about want."

That really is genius.

AprilMarie said...

Don't you just HATE that?! Once, my boyfriend and myself were at the grocery store. A young kid walked up and started with the same crap. My boyfriend, however, wasn't having it. He looked the kid straight in the eye, before he even asked if we needed help, and said "Nope. We've got it covered. Thanks. Okay? Bye." That was it. Haha. The kid just stood there in awe. It totally worked! When I'm by myself, I just smile and nod at them without saying a word. Regardless if they give me a dirty look and think "bitch" as they walk away. =)

Phronk said...

Awesome stuff like this never happens to me. Everyone around here is polite and normal. It totally blows.

Amy said...

I personally can't figure it out. I don't think you look like a person who particularly NEEDS so much help. I couldn't get help if I were lying on my back with a SHELF on top of me.

The cracker & cheese lady would just walk on by and be like "You have a nice day, now, honey. And remember to buy yourself some nice cookies."

Kelly said...

Your grocery store sounds crazy!

shine said...

peterdewolf: Cookies are about want. You know it, I know it.

AprilMarie: Probably better than hurling canned goods at them. I'm sometimes tempted.

Phronk: Feel free to move to Texas. I think we've cornered the market on bizarre.

Amy: I have those days sometimes, too. Usually on the days I need help, I turn into invisible lady.

Kelly: You wanna come shopping with me, don't you?