It's Friday, we should break up - Cockroaches

I realize it seems ridiculous to break up with cockroaches, but...I'm doing it anyway. Even though we were never together. And I never liked them.

I have a friend staying with me this weekend because she sublet her apartment a few days too early. This means that I had to actually clean. It seemed awkward to tell her she had to wedge her 5'10" frame into the available space on the couch not taken up by my (clean) laundry, right? And I'm nothing if not a reasonably-decent hostess.

So anyway, I was cleaning my kitchen, which I haven't been very good about lately. It's not that it was disgusting. More like, I haven't really even been home enough to mess it up, but there have been some dirty dishes in the sink for a while. Because I didn't empty the dishwasher.

Yeah, so I was cleaning the kitchen, when I spied, with of my little eye, something scampering toward a corner. Uh oh.

Now, I'm not generally squeamish about bugs, but I don't like cockroaches (who does? You're weird.), especially in my kitchen. So I did a little squealing (no I don't have swine flu), and then remembered that I have no one but me to take care of this problem. Yay for being single!

I'm perfectly capable of killing a bug. But the thing is, where there's one cockroach, there are bound to be more. I paper-towel-squished the life out of that little bastard and then started scanning the rest of the kitchen. There are no other bugs in sight.

I continued on with the dishes, and again I see a scampering. Ugh.

It seemed to be coming from under my coffee pot. I don't make coffee very often. In fact, the last time I even looked at the thing was the last time my ex (Look! No curse words!) was at my place. So it's been a while.

I didn't really want to pick the thing up, but what choice did I have? So I did. And underneath, I found three more cockroaches. There was some coffee that had gotten trapped under there or something. I dropped the coffee pot in the sink and squealed a little more and paper-towel-squished the new offenders and left the kitchen.

At this point I was feeling all itchy. Basically, I was that guy at the beginning of A Scanner Darkly...but with better hygiene and far less drugs in my system (read: caffeine only).

I went back and cleaned the rest of the kitchen without incident. Unless you consider my sink backing up with a puke-y dreamsicle concoction and my dishwasher causing water to leak all over my floor an incident. Oh, and my garbage disposal appears to be on the fritz (no, I didn't stick my hand down there, thank you very much. Okay, I did...but just to make sure there was nothing blocking the flow of dreamsicle). Other than that, though, everything was right as rain.

What does that expression even mean?

I even got the bathroom all cleaned up and moved my clean laundry off the couch. Hostess with the Mostess!

Well, my friend called and wanted to go have a beer at one of our favorite bars because she had a friend in town. So out I went. Even though, really, going out at 11:00 pm on a school (work) night, is probably impractical.

When I got home, I went right to sleep. And proceeded to have weirdo bizarr-o dreams all night (one of which, I think I can blame on LiLu's last TMI Thursday, thankyouverymuch). In the last one, I was making out with some guy, who seriously morphed into about four different people, none of whom was Ryan Reynolds (but one of whom might have been my cute has-an-out-of-state girlfriend climbing buddy with the nice muscles, I'll never tell), when I had to pee. And somehow, well...let's just say, I ran into a rock and it was covered with cockroaches and they crawled all over me and even the flying cockroaches from Hawaii showed up and I was FREAKING OUT in my dream and I woke up and puked all over myself in my bed (I'm starting a new phrase for feeling like crap: My (insert body part - that's what she said) is feeling all cockroachy. Use it today!). Ahem.

So I'm breaking up with cockroaches, even though we never really had a healthy relationship. And on my home? I'm getting some RAID, which will take this relationship from unhealthy to toxic. For you, dear cockroaches.