It's Friday, we should break up - Hovering Servers

You know what time it is, guys! Time for another breakup. Read past breakups here!

To be fair, this particular thing has only happened to me at Asian restaurants. I'm trying not to stereotype and suggest that only Asian servers do this, though. I'm sure that's not the case.

Normally, when you go eat at a restaurant, half the time you're searching for your server. Your drink is empty, you never got any silverware, you need a new napkin, you spilled red wine down the front of your dress. Usually, they're nowhere to be found. Servers develop this skill which, frankly, I would love to master. It's the focused "I'm not going to look at you because I know you want something from me" skill.

They walk past your table, careful not to meet your eye. You see them coming, of course, so your heart lifts, you raise a hand, you catch your breath, ready to speak and then...you're ignored. It's quite the letdown.

Not the case at Asian restaurants. At least, when the restaurant is less than packed. They stand behind you, hovering, in case you have an iced tea emergency. They pick up every stray piece of paper or crumb or lemon seed you deposit on the table. They ask if they can get you anything...every five minutes.

While all of that can be really really annoying, I've found that the solution is just to take incredibly graphic reading material to the restaurant with you. And no, I don't mean pornographic. That might not work.

When I was in college, I often went to this little sushi place across from campus. The waitress would hover behind me as I ate, quietly judging my less than masterful skill with chopsticks, I'm sure. I, personally, don't want anyone to be standing behind me for an extended period. Ever. It makes me nervous. Like when your step-dad hovers around the back of the couch when you're trying to watch television. SIT DOWN!

Anyway, I noticed that when I started taking my forensic anthropology and anatomy books in to study, she had absolutely no interest in standing behind me. I like to think it's because she couldn't handle all the pictures of dead people, but, to be perfectly honest, my anatomy lab book smelled like formaldehyde and rotting shark. So it was probably that. (No one really wanted to sit next to me in my other classes when I had my lab book with me, either. Go figure.)

One day, however, this woman just CROSSED THE LINE. Now, I know that this was her job and she probably notices how much food everyone ordered and that kind of thing, but woman, it is NOT your place to comment. You see, that day, I had ordered an extra two sushi rolls to take home with me for dinner. I just ordered them all at once, because it's not like it matters. I ate two rolls and then asked for a box. She had already looked at me like I had two heads when I ordered four rolls, but now she said (and this is not me being a giant racist, this is what she said, verbatim), "That too much sushi. I didn't think you should eat all that. You get fat."

Seriously?!?

I said, "Just bring me a box. And my check." I never went back.

Then yesterday, it happened again. Sort of. I went to this Thai place across the street from work. I ordered a Bento box with some sashimi and some sushi. It also came with a seaweed salad. Now, don't get me wrong, I like seaweed salad. I just wasn't in the mood for it that day. So I didn't eat it. I HAVE THAT OPTION.

The woman came to pick up my mostly empty Bento box and she said, "You no eat salad? You no like it? It good for you."

Thanks. But I don't have to eat it. I'm still going to pay for it and I just don't need your commentary on my eating habits or food choices. Though I appreciate that she at least didn't tell me I was going to get fat.

To me, these women are as bad as the ladies who try to suggestive sell you a lip wax when you go to get your eyebrows done. You know what? I don't really HAVE a mustache. Please don't try to tell me "I need lip wax. It ugly." Screw you. We're finished!

Except, of course, I'll still be eating in Asian restaurants, so I guess, um, we'll still be seeing a lot of each other. I hope this doesn't make things awkward. Please don't put any puppy in my food or anything. I was kidding! It was a joke!