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24 September 2009

Violence UnSilenced

I know that today is TMI Thursday (click for all of LiLu's TMI goodness). And this post? Is certainly TMI. But it's not funny or silly. If you want funny and silly, stop reading now (and come back tomorrow for an awesome guest post that makes my bad dates seem tame). This is the story I wrote to submit to Violence UnSilenced, a website dedicated to giving men and women an outlet to tell their stories domestic violence and sexual assault. Anyone can submit a story, and it can be done anonymously. The stories I've read have brought me to tears. This is mine (no tears necessary).

I didn't write this for your sympathy. I didn't write it to persecute anyone. I wrote it because it's part of me. I've told a few people over the years, but it's not something I generally share. I had a lot of trouble putting it in this little box. I'm having a lot of trouble clicking the Publish button. Trust me, it's not easy. It's my story, though. And now I'm going to tell it.

~~~~oOo~~~~


My mom was always “over-protective.” She practically interviewed my friends’ parents before I was allowed to sleep over at their houses. I wasn’t allowed to go to parties or stay out late or do any of the normal things that teenagers do.

Of course I didn’t understand. And of course I wasn’t okay with it. I whined and moaned and complained. And then one night (yeah, okay, no…this wasn’t the only time), I lied.

I was 15-years-old and there was a party. My high school boyfriend (though we weren’t together at the time) was going to be there and a bunch of my friends and I wanted to go. I knew my mom would ask if parents would be there. And if I said, “Yes,” she would say, “Then I want to talk to them.” So I lied.

I had been told that a bunch of people were just going to crash at the party, and I was welcome to do the same. So I told my mom that I was spending the night at a friend’s house and went on my merry way.

I may have been going to a party, but I had no intention of drinking. I didn’t drink and had never drunk, so I didn’t even really know what it was like.

Someone handed me a bottle of Coke and I drank it. I thought it tasted a little funny, but I didn’t want to complain. It tasted funny because about half of it was rum. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, now I would know the difference. But then I just didn’t want to complain or seem less cool. So I drank the damn Coke. All of it.

At some point in the evening, the party got a little loud and someone called the police. We all scattered like ants when the police arrived. I ran with one of my friends, to his car. We hopped in and he drove us down the street, where we parked and waited.

He was a cute boy (sort of). And I sort of liked him. I think he kissed me in the car.

After about 15 minutes, we drove back to the house. Most of the party had cleared out. This is when I discovered that “a lot of people crashing at the party” meant me and eight guys. Me. And eight guys.

I was freaking out. And more than a little drunk.

My high school boyfriend secured me a room by myself and I went to bed. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The boy I liked.

“Can I please sleep in here? I have practice tomorrow and if I sleep on the floor, my back’s going to be all screwed up.”

I didn’t really know what to do. So I just sort of stared at him for a minute.

“You mean, you want to sleep in here in this bed with me?”

“I won’t touch you, I swear. I just can’t sleep on the floor and you have the only other bed.”

This is where the smarter, stronger girl says, “Too fuckin’ bad.”

But I said, “Um. I guess.”

And so it began.

The rest of the night is a blur of touching and crying and pain. I don’t know if I ever said “No.” I really can’t say that I did. But I was crying and trying to push him off me. The weight of him was so overwhelming that I couldn’t keep pushing. I tried to roll out from underneath him, but he had me pinned down. He was a basketball player; tall and strong.

And he was my friend.

So I thought.

But he wasn’t my friend.

I gave up. I gave up and let it happen. And when it was over, he rolled onto his side and fell asleep. All night, he snored while I cried quietly. I didn’t sleep much at all. I went to the bathroom to try to clean myself up at some point. It wasn’t pretty.

In the middle of the night, he rolled my way and carelessly tossed an arm over me. He was still sleeping, of course. His arm almost made me throw up. As I squirmed to get away, he rolled into me and pushed me off the bed. I hit my cheekbone on the bed frame on my way to the floor and gave myself a bit of a black eye.

Pretty.

I didn’t know what to do the next day, so I talked to my best friend about it.

Turned out she wasn’t my best friend at all.

She told everyone what had happened. Unfortunately, he didn’t see it my way. He called me a couple of times over the next weeks. Cussing at me, telling me that he didn’t rape me.

But he did.

I never told my mother. I never really told anyone else, save for one or two close friends. I don't think anyone believed me, so I just pretended it never happened.

A few years later, I ran into him at the mall. He walked up to me, smiling, and tried to hug me. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "DON'T touch me."

He seemed puzzled by my reaction. I walked away. He didn't think he did anything wrong. I'm sure he still doesn't.

But he did.

38 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Thank you for sharing this. I cannot even begin to understand how hard it must have been for you to open up.

You were raped. Don't let anyone tell you anything differently. You are also incredibly brave for posting this.

Just A Girl said...

I'm so proud of you. Seriously, this is a BIG deal and you were brave enough to do it. Long distance hug.

Wonderful said...

Thank you for sharing.

mylittlebecky said...

thank you for talking about this. it needs to be discussed and it needs to be shared in the open. i'm sorry that this happened to you.

GingerMandy said...

Ohhh my goodness. Thank you for sharing this, you're brave, that's for sure. I can't even imagine. Long distance hugs from me, too.

Jay Ferris said...

There's no excuse for what he did, although I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. And while I hope it somehow made you a little stronger since it can't be undone, I still think his genitals should be removed with a weed whacker.

Renee said...

I know this wasn't easy to write. It's encouraging to those that have been through this. Thank you for writing this. Maybe I'll be honest and post mine one day.

PQ said...

This is quite possibly the bravest thing you've done, since I've known you and maybe since the day it happened.

You were raped and I'm sorry that it happened to you. I know how hard it is to acknowledge it, process it and accept that it's OK to talk about it.

Thank you for sharing. For what it's worth, I'm always here if you want to talk...about anything and everything.

Travis said...

Wow. That took guts, shine. I'm proud of you, and thanks for sharing a painful part of your life with us. Ferris, I've got a weed whacker. You wanna get his address?

Lucia said...

This happens more often then not and I was actually thinking of what happened to me in my teen years with some guys too! Lucky for me I there was one guy who gave a crap and got me out of the situation! To him I'm eternally grateful even if he did dump me for my best friend who of course dumped me after she started going out with him...c'est la vie but a painful la vie it is!

LiLu said...

There isn't a hug big enough in the world for me to give you right now. You know how I feel about this... mine FACEBOOK FRIENDED ME and I had to block him. They definitely don't think they did anything wrong... and that's the worst part, not even having it acknowledged.

Love you.

Antelope said...

I have known too many people now that something like this happened to, too often in high school and too often it was even their "first time." Something seriously different has to be done in educating our boys about what is sex and what is appropriate and what is rape.

Life in the Cube said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry this terrible thing happened to you. You should have punched him in the balls at the mall when he tried to go in for a hug.

BigSis said...

This must have been so hard to share - I'm very proud of you. If enough strong women like you talk about it, I like to think it will happen less often.

Ed Adams said...

May a thousand spiders lay eggs in his peehole, and may his scrotum turn black and fall off.

A girl should not have to verbalize "No" for it to be wrong. He knew damn well what he was doing.

Jay and Travis, I have extra heavy duty string for the weed whacker, pick me up on the way Bitches.

CageQueen said...

i'm positive there is a special place reserved for him in hell.

~the martini queen
www.themartinichronicles.wordpress.com

Lily said...

YOU, miss, are a strong, brave, incredible woman.
You're my hero.

Dan said...

Thank you for sharing, more women need to share their stories because maybe, just maybe, it'll help stop this unbelievably offensive violence. Most of the women close to me, now and in the past, have been raped or otherwise sexually abused. I've interupted more than one rape and have held her hand while she's reported it to the police. I've learned that beating the 'man' that did it to a bloody pulp solves nothing, and I've learned there are no words that can help other than to say thank you for being brave enough and strong enough to talk about it.

Flora said...

(((HUGS)))

The Peach Tart said...

Thanks for sharing this story. I have a teenage rape story as well. You are very brave. Big hugs.

Just A Girl said...

I just reread this and cried and I love you and I wanted to come back and tell you how very much.

NatalieCottrell said...

You are so very brave and wonderful for sharing this with all of us. Far too many people have been in this situation, and it just breaks my heart that many consider it a rite of passage rather than a crime, which is exactly what it is. Hugs to you, lady.

inkpuddle said...

You are believed here, my dear. I'm impressed and grateful that you posted this, as hard as it was to hit "Publish." Really. You have guts that I ain't got. ((Hugs))

evolving-lines said...

Thanks for sharing this. It's definitely not easy.

Joanna said...

I am so sorry. You are a strong, incredible woman, and it breaks my heart that this happened to you. It shouldn't happen to anyone, but it does, too often. What a wonderful project - I believe that you and others who participate are very brave, and I think your words will go a long way towards "eradicating abuse [by overcoming] the culture of silence and shame that exists yet today."

Losing It said...

you're an amazing, strong, brave young woman and i am SO proud of you for doing this.

Amy said...

You know mine, however not as...invasive...as it was. And that it wasn't as a teenager. But thank you.

Lindsay said...

I had a friend in high school who had this happen to her. And the guy was someone we were all friends with too. A lot of people didn't believe her and he never acknowledged it. He still tried to be friends with us all after the fact. It is so unfortunate how many people do not understand what rape truly is. You're remarkably brave for posting this and I hope it helps others come to terms with their experiences.

Phronk said...

I'll again commend you for having the balls to share this.

Balls are something this dude doesn't have. And I hope I'm being literal; as in, I hope he's lost his nutsack in a painful accident.

Andhari said...

It's brave of you to share this, i'm sure it must leave some pain deep inside. And it's so mean for your girlfriend to just spread this story. If i was her, the best thing to do is paying people to beat that guys up. :(

Johnny Virgil said...

Wow. I'm so sorry. That asshole should be in jail.

ohhayitskk said...

so brave of you to share this. it brought tears to my eyes.

XO, J said...

okay - clearly I'm behind on my blog reading. Gotta say all I could think is "dude, that is fucked" He was ABSOLUTELY in the wrong. I'm sorry that this happened to you and it was brave for you to tell the your story and stand up for yourself.

Mega8815 said...

I can only tell you that I repeat most all of the words in your comments... WOW. Thanks for sharing. You're very brave.

I'm speechless.

Good luck sweetie. I wish I could do more. Okay ... do something. Anything.

bozoette said...

Of course it was rape. And you were a kid! You have nothing to be ashamed of. But by writing about it, by coming out and stating it, you remove some its power over you. It will never leave you (I was gang raped over 30 years ago), but it will loosen its hold. As survivors, we cannot keep these secrets. We have to shout it out loud. The key word in "date rape" is RAPE.

Peg said...

Damn! I'm so sorry!! Something very similar happened to me 40 years ago - will nothing ever change?!! It took me nearly 30 years to admit I was raped and several more to stop visualizing running the perp through with a flag pole -- brass eagle and all!! I've finally reached the point where I no longer wish to kill him with my bare hands. . .

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this.

Emily said...

Thank you for opening up about this. I had a similar situation, not exactly. Wasn't high school, or a party, or any alcohol involved, but a very similar situation.

I always called my situation borderline.

but you are SO RIGHT. They don't think they did anything wrong. But remember, they aren't good people.