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29 September 2009

Keep it like a secret.

My favorite Built to Spill album. What? Center of the Universe rocks the shit.

That's really not the point though.

Today, we're going to talk presents.

1. I am totally one of those people who thinks that you should know what I want as a present. If you have to ask and I have to tell you, I may as well just go with you to buy it. Suck it. Pay attention and it's not so hard to figure out. I know of at least one ex-boyfriend who would likely argue with this...

2. I haven't really gotten a present in quite some time (unless you count that plastic dead grandma in a rocking chair I got at the White Elephant Christmas party I attended last year, which I don't). My last boyfriend didn't "do" presents. Giving or receiving. Which was actually fine as he would have been completely horrible at picking them out anyway. Paying attention? Not really his strong suit.

I don't really remember any Christmases before my sister was born. And in fact, I don't remember any before she was old enough to open presents. But we are exact polar opposite present-openers.

My baby sister would get up at the ass-crack of dawn, drag me out of my slumber, race to the presents and put her hands on EVERYTHING. Presents from Santa were unwrapped (he doesn't have time to be wrapping presents, yo), while presents from family were wrapped immaculately. We are excellent present wrappers.

She would rip the paper off of everything, try everything on, play with everything, and name everything in about 15 minutes.

I, on the other hand, would sit and stare at the presents. The unwrapped ones. From Santa. Just taking it all in. After a while, I would reach for a wrapped present.

I actually hate opening presents in front of people. To me, it's such an experience and I'd rather be able to take my time. I like to savor the moment.

The anticipation is usually the best part. That's why I don't want to know what the present is. Because until you open it, it's perfect.

Present opening by Shine:

Feel the present in your hand, experience the weight and/or shape of it.

Then, slowly, remove each piece of tape one at a time, careful not to rip the paper.

Unfold the paper from around the present.

Carefully lay the paper aside.

At this point, you're probably holding an unwrapped box (PERVS. Yeah, I giggled).

Slowly lift the lid and peak inside.

Remove any stray tissue paper and set aside.

See that the present is, in fact, a diarrhea poop brown T-shirt, given to you by four of your relatives. It came from the Mens department and is an X-Large. Wonder if you possibly received a present destined for some relative no one likes. Realize that no, four of your relatives thought that this would be the perfect gift for you. Wish you had just left the wrapping on the present.

And that? That is why I hate opening presents in front of people. And why I'd prefer to open them slowly and savor the anticipation.

There's something in my life that feels an awful lot like a present. And for now, I'm carefully looking at the wrappings (which are pretty amazing, so far), but I'm not ready to peak inside. What if it's another diarrhea poop brown T-shirt?

10 comments:

M said...

Take your time, no one's watching!

We need to get started planning our homage to Maxie and Lilu.

Jay Ferris said...

Just make sure you get a gift receipt.

GingerMandy said...

my stepmoms family tries to make us sit in a circle at christmas and open presents one at a time. noo. i refuse.

i hope it isn't a poop brown shirt.... but if it is, just get some poopouri :)

f.B said...

I hate opening presents around people, too. Am I surprised enough? Is my seething disappointment obvious? Am I actually smiling, happy, and thereby ruining my reputation as a stone cold badass?

Too much pressure.

Ed Adams said...

For a minute there, I was envisioning you in the Justin Timberlake/Jimmy Fallon SNL video about presents. You know what one I'm talking about, don't lie.

LiLu said...

I'm a ripper.

But you already knew that.

Graygrrrl said...

I totally agree! There is nothing worse then opening presents in front of people, especially the ones that gave it to you. It's usually far to early in the morning to feign excitment or interest. Also, what is the point of wish lists, when Santa doesn't bring you anything you asked for?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

what are you going to do when you get married and have a shower??!

uh, oh.

mysterg said...

I don't tend to receive presents a lot these days. Although that may have something to do with being naughty and not nice.

But I'm a man after your own heart when it comes to unwrapping. The gift is in the giving, not the receiving.

Gofahne said...

Agreed. I like to rip them open, but I do NOT like opening in front of people unless it's a very private moment and the reaction is the best part (read:make the sex gifts). I HATE showers for this exact reason. I didn't buy the gift to see their reaction. I bought it because I like them and if they don't like the gift, I gave the gift receipt for a reason. Open, Exchange, and be Merry!