10 August 2009

Having a bar across the street from your apartment is better than not having a bar across the street your apartment.

(Note: I'm not actually talking about this just had the right name.)

Friday night, Cheese met me at my apartment, and we went to the bar across the street. It's been open for months, but I'd yet to have a beer there. I'd heard from Graygrrrl that it was a lot like our old home, Ben's Halfyard House. EXCITEMENT!

I will say this: I'm not sure I agree. The members of the service staff I encountered were almost exclusively a new brand of stupid. With the exception of one waitress. I didn't talk to the bartender, though. I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, though as I can WALK HOME FROM THE BAR.

Cheese and I sat down at a booth and inspected the menu. Typical bar food and a selection of pizzas. At the bottom of the menu, we found some delicious sounding calzones and desserts. Oddly these were all priced $0.00. Yay! Free food!

I ordered a salad and a Shiner (I promise that I'm telling you this for a reason) and Cheese ordered a spinach and mushroom calzone and a Boddington's pear apple Guinness cider pale ale (she actually ordered this once because she got all intimidated by the taps and I'm determined to never let her forget related news, Cheese does not like beer.)

The waitress looked down at Cheese and said, "Um. We don't have calzones."

So apparently $0.00 means "we don't have calzones," not "calzones are free." My dreams of dessert walked out the door in that moment (aside from the cupcake Cheese brought me from the stash I bought her for her birthday).

Cheese ordered a (cheese) pizza instead and we moved on with our lives.

It turned out that Cheese knew someone at the bar. When he walked by the first time, she yelled (completely out of the blue, you understand), "Donny Baseball!"

To which I replied, "I like hockey pucks!"

What? I thought we were yelling out random sports crap.

She went out to smoke with "Donny Baseball," and I overheard THE MOST AWESOME CONVERSATION OF THE WEEK.

There were a couple of dudes sitting at the bar behind our booth and they kept yelling out weird stuff like "I didn't sign up to be in no swingers' party" and "I don't need nobody looking at me like that." No idea what any of that was about, but when Cheese left, I started listening in.

At this point, they were flirting with one of the waitresses. Always a good plan. Of course, I didn't realize the genius I was hearing at first. But then...

"I don't wanna make this all sexual. I want to like know you. Like really know you. Like know you're favorite color and shit. The real stuff. I don't want to cloud that by making things all sexual right now. What is your favorite color?"

This is all being said by the guy who was shouting about swingers' parties, while the waitress is practically sitting in his friend's lap.

The waitress apparently relayed her favorite color, because the guy said to his friend, "Look how she just threw that out there like that?"

As though favorite colors are the stuff secrets are made of. Actually, my favorite color is a secret from now on. Please forget that you know my favorite color is orange. Thanks.

Then he says to the waitress, "You know, there's a good chance I'm going to remember that shit later. But I'm not going to ask you any more questions because I don't want to lose that one. So I can know you. You know. For real."

Then he and his friends hugged the poor girl until I suspect she couldn't breathe and left.

The weirdest thing? I think the waitress was actually flattered.

I'd also like to add that my hair was doing this SEXY BEAST volume thing (What? I'm modest!). Like so:

And this is me, doing my best Jodi Sawyer impression (From Center Stage. Shut up Jay). I think I rock. Oh, let me explain. Jodi Sawyer only becomes a good dancer when she bites her lip (the night before her birthday, Cheese may or may not have done this about 75 times at her apartment after she took her Ambien. Also, she not only tried to kick my iPhone's ass, she practically licked it. It still hasn't recovered). Seriously. So I was doing my best:

Yes, I realize I look like an ass.

There's a picture of Cheese doing her best, but I suspect she'd kill me for posting it. So I'll keep it to myself.


mysterg said...

Having a bar across the street is a whole heap of wrong. And i'm almost impressed with one of the most bizarre chat-up lines I've heard - there's a method in his madness - but ultimately more impressed by your flowing red locks!

StarzGazR said...

lol good stuff!

I've learned alot about coming through your blog so i JUST HAD TO DO IT!!

"It turned out that Cheese new someone at the bar"

it's knew--- lol i know how crazy you are about grammar.. and i think you're rubbing off on me! LOL!

Anonymous said...

I've only been to ATSB on Wednesday nights, but they have a drum circle and fire spinning. I usually bring my poi out to play, and kids are there with hula hoops... It's pretty fun. If you ever go on a Wednesday, find me - I get there around ten.

As for the service, I usually order a single beer or water (and didn't even know they had food), so I can't really judge.

Mary said...

I knew Ben's Half Yard House! This new place sounds...interesting. Have you tried Milo Butterfinger's? It's my new favorite dive bar (and the food and service are pretty good, in my experience).

I'm with you on the "who cares? I can walk home!" thing though. If I had a dollar for every night I spent on a friend's couch cause I'm a pussy lightweight...I could afford my own apartment across the street from a bar!

Deutlich said...

I'd be in serious trouble if I ever lived within walking distance from a bar.

Jay Ferris said...

If you plan on becoming a regular there, you had better make good with the waitstaff so they can carry you home and/or take advantage of your voluminous hair after a long night of loyal patronage.

Meg said...

Nothing better than a bar you can walk home from.

Travis said...

Orange is the best freakin color ever! Fuck blue anyway. Also, I'm with Deutlich. For sure, I'd be in trouble.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

How can anyone pick orange as their favorite color? But who am I to argue with Ms Lioness and her angry mane of hair. Thanks for keeping us up to date on what is and is not cool bar banter. I would have hated to use those 'color' lines and strike out.

PorkStar said...

Fav color orange... hmm... very odd but original.

Freaking adorable you are and that second picture is quite funny.

Not to make fun of you but just the pic lol...


nice post

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

ok i just died laughing at the jodi sawyer bite lip reference.


Graygrrrl said...

First things first: The bar pictured is NOT the one in the story. And second, I thought you liked drunk waitresses who may or may not have been trying to pick you up?!? I'm shocked. It's not that I think the bar in question (why are we being cryptic about it's title?) is the new Ben's, just that it's cheap (muy important), and we can walk there (save cab fare and a DUI), and I like the decor. I had a great time and couldn't believe we have "service" outside at all. En guard!

PS- drunk waitresses are the greatest thing in the world.

PPS- we need to try there again on a weeknight. That's when the real magic happens

Organic Meatbag said...

you are destined for greatness...those will be your Hollywood agency headshots...superstaahhhhhhh!!!

shine said...

mysterg: I've never heard a guy try to pick up a waitress like that.

StarzGazR: I'm so mean, I went in and edited and now it looks like you're crazy! But the truth is, I hadn't even noticed. Thanks!

evolving-lines: Is this Jet? I wasn't actually talking about ATSB. I've only been there once and it was for a sorority party, so it's forever tainted in my mind. It just had the right name for the subject.

Mary: I love Milo's!

Deutlich: I think it can really only go poorly. But with extra fun sprinkles!

Jay: I make friends pretty easily. But I don't like it when strangers touch my hair.

Meg: Agreed!

Travis: Orange is awesome. And there's bound to be trouble.

CCCCCCCCCCCCCC: Orange rocks! I'm here to give you advice on picking up girls. That? Doesn't work. On smart girls, at least. If you like the dumb ones, I think you can say whatever you want.

PorkStar: You makin' fun of me! Yeah, that's cool, I was kinda makin' fun of me, too.

Alexa: You wanna do it now, don't you? Feel free to take pictures!

Graygrrrl: I had a GREAT time. But the "bad" waitress was sooo drunk. It was cheap and I like the atmosphere. I didn't say which bar just in case someone decided to up there. You never know. It's awesome to walk. And the "good" waitress was AWESOME. But she was my third one and the other two were dumber than a box of rocks. I'm down for a weeknight.

Organic Meatbag: I can bite my lip with the best of them. Notice the intensity in my eyes! Hahaha. I'm ridiculous.