11 August 2009

This may be the most awesome thing a computer has every generated and spit out at me.

Having heard reasonably good things about OKCupid around the blogosphere, I decided to sign up this weekend. Saturday, I spent the WHOLE DAY in my apartment, doing absolutely nothing. Sans pants. I did put on pants around 9:00 pm to go to Taco Bell and get some tacos (which I then tweeted about inappropriately, but not to the extent that I was making taco jokes in my head...).

At one point, it looked like this:

And I couldn't stop giggling. Hi, I'm a 15-year-old boy, but with better boobs and less acne.

On Sunday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend is moving in with his girlfriend after only six months. I feel a little...hurt. But I'm surprisingly okay with it because I DO NOT WANT THAT. Certainly not with him. I was pretty prepared for it anyway. I figure they'll be married before next summer.

The thing is...have you seen the movie Good Luck, Chuck? I haven't. But I'm pretty sure it's about me. I'm always the girl you date immediately before you realize that you're ready to settle down. Just not with me! Because I expect things like:

1. You should really do what you say you're going to do. All the time.
2. If you're going to be late, please let me know.
3. Your actions speak far louder than your words. Please act accordingly.
4. Don't be a douchebag.

These things are really beyond the capabilities of most men. So after they date me, they meet some chick with low self-esteem (don't think I haven't been there. I have. But I still expect you to do what you say you're going to do. Like all the time.), who just wants to do everything they want and never questions them and basically runs around with no spine and they marry her.

This has happened at least three times.

And a couple of months ago, this news of cohabitation would have probably upset me. As I stood there, thinking about it (wishing, really, that I didn't know it), I realized something. I don't want that at all. Living with him would have been one of the worst ideas in the world. Yeah, yeah, we were supposed to move in together. He thought maybe after being together for two years, he would be okay with the idea. It would have been horrible. I had already compromised so much of who I was and what I wanted that I didn't even know me any more. It was a recipe for disaster, because I cannot function like that long-term.

Keep in mind, I'm not blaming him for this. It was my fault. I let it happen. Because his comfort was far more important to me than mine. Rest assured. That will never happen again. I've signed up for a serious ass-whipping with most of my friends should I ever inadvertently start losing myself for some guy.

Even if he's a great guy (ex-boyfriend is not).

I know that this is going to sound like bullshit to most of you. And I know you'll think I only feel this way because I haven't "met the right guy yet." And maybe you're right. But here it is: I'm perfectly happy being with me. Meeting a guy is just icing on the cake. No, that's not right. Icing on cake is a necessity. Meeting a guy is like...getting an iPhone 3GS, when I already have a 3G. Or something that's kick ass, but not really essential.

The nice thing about this is, it means I refuse to settle. I refuse to compromise who I am to be with someone else. I briefly lost track of this, and I was miserable. It won't happen again.

So I'm not really sure how serious about this "dating" thing I am, but online dating usually makes for at least some entertaining stories. I had some doozies last time I tried it (years ago).

So I logged into OKCupid and filled out a profile. I answered a bunch of questions about life and math and stuff, and filled in how my "ideal match" would answer the same questions. (My favorite? "Do you know what sperm tastes like?" And how would I like my "ideal match" to answer that? Hmmm...) At the bottom of my little home page, they were taunting me with making my profile more complete. "Do this and your profile will be 55% complete! Now do this and your profile will be 60% complete!"

I'm a sucker for this kind of thing.

One of the things I had to do was take some "Dating Persona Test." Dutifully, I answered all their questions, though I did have to guess on "How many people have you kissed?" I have no idea. The result of my test was this:

(which, seriously, sounds pretty awesome, eh?)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word “finger”. You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it’s almost unheard of. So congratulations. You’ve had plenty of adventures, but you’ve remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

You seek pleasure, but you’re not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don’t like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it’s inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You’re not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

Uh, dudes? I sound awesome. Just sayin'.


mysterg said...

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I was with someone for quite some time and they even moved in with me. Looking back, I wonder what the hell was I doing? I must have been high or something. Not that I took drugs. But I can't explain it.

You do sound awesome, but unfortunately sexually adventurous/kinky can often be misinterpreted as 'likes to slip her finger up your bumhole'!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Just imagine for a second your ex at his sloppy disgusting worst with all his crap on the floor and pee that missed the bowl. You didn't miss out on much. The fact that you can walk around unmolested without pants while eating tacos is worth more than someone else's shit around you 24/7. Is it just me? People suck. And are all freaks. I refer you to the last comment...does the term 'bumhole' freak you out as much as it does me?

LiLu said...

#4 means you're asking for wayyyy too much. ;-)

Antelope said...

That's an awesome Dating Persona. Do they show this to your potential dates or mates or whatever they call them on this? Because I want to hear about all the guys who consider themselves "responsible but kinky."

Jay Ferris said...

I've never heard the designation of "someone who's just looking for random bar sex" put so eloquently.

Joanna said...

Wow, how does it feel to have yourself wrapped up in four little paragraphs? I think this logical hedonist description is quite fitting. And awesome.

And fuck that douchebag. D:<

shine said...

mysterg: Sounds like there's a story to tell...

CCCCCCCCC: Bumholes aren't really something I contemplate all that often. And living with my ex-boyfriend would have been the worst decision of all time.

LiLu: I know. I'm SUCH a demanding bitch.

Antelope: I thought so. And yeah, they do. Which, I suppose, makes me a little nervous. I've been looking for "responsible but kinky" my whole life! Sort of.

Jay: Ass.

Joanna: You just agree with it because you do live vicariously through my stories! And I'd rather not.

Mary said...

DUDE. I am SO a "Dirty Little Secret"...I must take this quiz. Also, where do you get off being so demanding. Damn. No wonder you're single.

NOT. I did EXACTLY the same thing...completely lost myself to try and keep someone else happy and it was the worst thing I have ever done (and I've done some stupid shit). The clarity you got from it, while not real comforting initially, will prove infinitely more fulfilling than any relationship you might have been in without it. I promise.


you are a way better woman than me, i just go to my favorite bars by myself to meet guys then (hoping that i may never see them again) refuse to give them my number the next morning.........a little evil sure (or maybe just a double standard), but its fine for the moment........i am gonna take that test......great post!

Joe said...

You sound and look very appealling, but also a little intimidating as well - but in a sexy sort of way.

Travis said...

Icing on a cake is in fact, COMPLETELY necessary.

FilmFemme said...

I took this quiz a few times during my tenure on OKCupid. My results were alternatingly The Playstation, The Peach and Ghenghis Khunt. Never once was I A Dirty Little Secret. Not in the quiz anyway...

shine said...

Mary: Oh, I'm much better off.

NOTSOMARYPOPPINS: As long as you're going to their places. Once they know where you live, it's all over.

Joe: Um. Thanks. I think?


FilmFemme: You're my dirty little secret.

Mega8815 said...

WOW! Thanx for sharing your views on this. I'm newly single and having trouble coping. You bring out the obviously good points of being single and getting to know myself better. Deciding what I want and not backing down for anybody. I shouldn't have to.

Phronk said...

Dude. Never settle.

My ex is getting married in like 2 weeks. To the guy she's known for like a year. Starting not long after we broke up. So uh yeah, I relate, to both your situation and the not giving a shit.

Oh and re: OKCupid... I'm the Poolboy (Random Gentle Sex Dreamer). It tells me to ALWAYS AVOID: The Dirty Little Secret.