19 June 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Donte Stallworth, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Terrell Owens, and pretty much anyone who's ever been a Raider.

Here's the deal. You play football. It does not mean that you are somehow fucking immune to the laws of society. Despite how it may seem right now considering you, Mr. Stallworth, will only serve 30 days (and probably not even that) in jail for KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I know that accidents happen. I know that nothing is ever black and white.

The thing that gets me is that there was enough time for you to realize there was a person in the road and flash your lights "to warn him," yet you still couldn't stop or swerve or do anything to avoid him.

And these other "punishments" would only be punishment to a regular person. One who can't afford to have everything brought to him on a silver platter. And a driver to drive him around since he can no longer drive because when he drives it results in fatal injury or death (like the warning on the keyboard). And you know, I am a Browns fan. I was even a default Donte Stallworth fan. But now? You can suck it. May you not be able to find a driver.

Mostly, though, I just don't understand what it is with you pro-football players. Is it really that hard to keep your shit in check? I do it.

Michael Vick? I don't have anything else to say to you. Except that I'm fucking tired of everyone acting like, "Oh, he paid his debt to society, we should definitely pay him millions of dollars to play football again." Because no. We shouldn't. Sure whatever, you've "paid your debt to society." But does that mean that you should just, boom, be right back where you were? No. You think that when a doctor gets sued for malpractice and he resolves the issue they just let him practice medicine again? Yeah, that's not how it works.

Plaxico Burress? I'm pretty sure you're just an idiot. But I kinda like your name. Please stop carrying loaded weapons around with you. You're obviously not smart enough to use them.

I know Terrell Owens doesn't really fit in here, per se, but I am so sick of him I could scream. So I'm breaking up with him, too. Shut your face. Before I make you shut it. Oh wait. You have all those muscles. Please shut your face? Or I will spread rumors of your venereal disease. Or your sex-change operation. Don't kick my ass. I'm too pretty for that.

The Raiders. What can I even say? Al Davis, congratulations for putting together the biggest, most useless band of assholes on the planet. Aside from the cast of Jackass (you guys are funny, though). Do you even know how to employ a player who isn't a felon? I'm so looking forward to another season of you bitches falling on your asses. That thing you do can barely even be called "playing football." How about this season you all dress in drag? At least then I'll get some entertainment out of your games.

Don't even get me started on college football players.

So it's over, dudes. I know you're sad to see this end. Here's to hoping you all lose your dicks in a "sex with a hooker" incident.


PorkStar said...

wow, someone having a rough Friday today... woo hoo! you go girl! lol

Travis said...

Yeah... And as a Cowboy's fan, I can say I've had enough of it too. TO is a douche. And I'll say that to his face. Muscles and the coma I'd wind up in be damned. And thats real. I got your back, lady.

LiLu said...

You know you're a dork when:

You see the word "Raider" in a title and it makes you think of Battlestar Gallactica.

P.S. If I had the oppportunity to kill TO... I'd take it.

rs27 said...

This post is sexy.

-any guy.

Phronk said...

I don't know much about the other guys, but as far as I'm concerned, Michael Vick can never fully repay anybody for what he did. If I ever ran into him I'd probably punch him in the head even though he'd murder me.

Alice said...

oh, plaxico. plaxico plaxico plaxico. unfortunately for me, my dad had JUST bought me a plax jersey for my bday last year, and i was wearing it AT A REDSKINS GAME the day after he shot himself in the leg. because i'd packed the jersey before hearing the news. i was taunted. a lot.

deadleafecho said...

Is it bad that I don't really know who most of these people are? No surprise there though.
Also, the comment about the warning on the keyboard makes a lot more sense after reading the preceeding blog. I was honestly trying to figure out how he drove with a keyboard, because I could SO do that shit.

Erin said...

Don't sugar coat it. Tell us like it is.

Johnny Virgil said...

I seriously don't know who any of these people are.

But I have been enjoying your archives immensely!

shine said...

PorkStar: Too much? Oops! Damn football players.

Travis: Let's go. I'm ready.

LiLu: I think of BSG, too. We can be geeks together.

rs27: You're sexy --shine

Phronk: I'll bring avocado fries to your funeral.

Alice: Oh didn't! Tell me there are pictures.

deadleafecho: I can't say I'm surprised that you don't know anything about football, no.

Erin: I tried!

Johnny Virgil: Pro football players. And thanks! That made my day.