It's Friday, we should break up - Donte Stallworth, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Terrell Owens, and pretty much anyone who's ever been a Raider.

Here's the deal. You play football. It does not mean that you are somehow fucking immune to the laws of society. Despite how it may seem right now considering you, Mr. Stallworth, will only serve 30 days (and probably not even that) in jail for KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I know that accidents happen. I know that nothing is ever black and white.

The thing that gets me is that there was enough time for you to realize there was a person in the road and flash your lights "to warn him," yet you still couldn't stop or swerve or do anything to avoid him.

And these other "punishments" would only be punishment to a regular person. One who can't afford to have everything brought to him on a silver platter. And a driver to drive him around since he can no longer drive because when he drives it results in fatal injury or death (like the warning on the keyboard). And you know, I am a Browns fan. I was even a default Donte Stallworth fan. But now? You can suck it. May you not be able to find a driver.

Mostly, though, I just don't understand what it is with you pro-football players. Is it really that hard to keep your shit in check? I do it.

Michael Vick? I don't have anything else to say to you. Except that I'm fucking tired of everyone acting like, "Oh, he paid his debt to society, we should definitely pay him millions of dollars to play football again." Because no. We shouldn't. Sure whatever, you've "paid your debt to society." But does that mean that you should just, boom, be right back where you were? No. You think that when a doctor gets sued for malpractice and he resolves the issue they just let him practice medicine again? Yeah, that's not how it works.

Plaxico Burress? I'm pretty sure you're just an idiot. But I kinda like your name. Please stop carrying loaded weapons around with you. You're obviously not smart enough to use them.

I know Terrell Owens doesn't really fit in here, per se, but I am so sick of him I could scream. So I'm breaking up with him, too. Shut your face. Before I make you shut it. Oh wait. You have all those muscles. Please shut your face? Or I will spread rumors of your venereal disease. Or your sex-change operation. Don't kick my ass. I'm too pretty for that.

The Raiders. What can I even say? Al Davis, congratulations for putting together the biggest, most useless band of assholes on the planet. Aside from the cast of Jackass (you guys are funny, though). Do you even know how to employ a player who isn't a felon? I'm so looking forward to another season of you bitches falling on your asses. That thing you do can barely even be called "playing football." How about this season you all dress in drag? At least then I'll get some entertainment out of your games.

Don't even get me started on college football players.

So it's over, dudes. I know you're sad to see this end. Here's to hoping you all lose your dicks in a "sex with a hooker" incident.