18 June 2009

Maybe I'll just start my own English Fail Blog.

Dear People Everywhere,

Be less dumb. Kthx.

Kisses with tongue,

Just a few gems I picked up around the internets or on various products. I thought you might enjoy them. If you don't see any problem with the following statements, please stop reading my blog. Wait. No, I'm kidding. Don't leave! I love you!

On a website that sells cases and accessories for iPhones:

"The greatest guarder for LCD screen. 100% High Quality.

Show off your new iPhone 3G without the risk of scratching it. Our 3G iPhone screen protector are keep you an original color, protect against any dust and scratches and to eliminate glare. Precision made for and 100% fit on iPhone 3G. Comes with a free cloth to be used for swiping the screen clean before attacking the protector.

Prevent Peeping Design

Think about your privacy, everyone don't want to disclose your personal things to others. Think about a "prevent peeping" and "black voguish" design... then you won't be hesitated to have it!"

"Hard Plastic case is a miracle between Toughness and Luster, which gives a brilliant appearance, with high flexibility and durability, the shiny materials offer an excellent protection for your iPhone 3G."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's have a party! Bring this 'bloody' sparkling case with your iPhone! You definitely will be the most extraordinary person in the venue!"

To be fair, I suspect these people are just the victims of a really bad translator. But it cracked me the FUCK up to read "bring this 'bloody' sparkling case with your iPhone!"

On my keyboard (years and years ago):

"Please read directions for proper use. Misuse of this product could cause fatal injury or death."

A couple of things. One, it's a KEYBOARD. Death seems unlikely. Two, fatal injuries usually involve death. Hence the whole use of the word fatal. Just sayin'.

This isn't about English, though there are a few bumps and bruises. I'm just wondering...who still FALLS for this crap? This one doesn't even make any sense to me:

Dear Friend,

My name is Phil Cole, an oil merchant.
I have been diagnosed with cancer.
It has defiled all forms of medical
treatment, and right now I have only
few months to live, according to my
medical doctors.

I have not particularly lived my life
so well, as I never really cared for
anyone (not even myself) but my business.
Though I am very rich, I was never
generous, I was always hostile to people
and only focused on my business as
that was the only thing I cared for.

But now I regret all this as I now know
that there is more to life than just
wanting to have or make all the money
in the world.I believe when GOD gives
me a second chance to come to this world
I will live my life a different way
from how I have lived it.

Now that GOD has called me, I have
willed and given most of my property
and assets to my immediate and extended
family members as wellas few close friends of mine.
I want GOD to be merciful to me and
accept my soul, I have decided to give
arms to charity organizations and
research organization, as I want this to
be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

So far, I have distributed money to some
charity organizations in the Peru, Brazil
and Malaysia where I made my money.
Now that my health has deteriorated
so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.
I once asked members of my family to
close one of my accounts and distribute
the money which I have there to charity
organization in Eastern Europe and South
America, they refused and kept the money
to themselves.

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as
they seem not to be contended with what
I have left for them.The last of my money
which no one knows of is the cash deposit
of Five Million US Dollars (US$5,000,000.00),
currently placed under the management of
my Fund Manager based in Europe.

Acknowledge this message so that I can
introduce you to my fund manager who will
handle the transfer of Trust Receivership
to you of the said funds as my Estate

I will want you to help me collect this
deposit and dispatched it to charity
organizations and Research Organizations
for research purposes.

God be with you.
Phil Cole


Organic Meatbag said...

I loooooove going to, writing out a couple of paragraphs, translating them to spanish, and then from spanish back to me, the results will be hilarious...try it out, enjoy, thank me later...
Prime Minister Billy D.

Antelope said...

I once misused a keyboard by beating someone to death with it. Does that count? They wouldn't want to be sued for that "fatal injury."

Jeff said...

i once typed a lot and got carpal tunnel and then i couldn't use a fork so i couldn't eat so then i died and then i sued them.

rs27 said...

I like that we made out.

Jay Ferris said...

Can I have Phil's email address? said...

I'm always amazed at the shit that people will fall for.

Phronk said...

I don't even know what "are keep you an original color" is supposed to mean.

And his cancer "defiled all forms of medical treatment"? Did it grow its own bum and poop all over some some medical equipment?


P.S. Have you received Phil's deposit yet?

Anonymous said...

I get emails like those ALL the time! Drives me bonkers. And I hate when people misspell/misspeak like that. Doesn't anyone proofread anymore?

Daniel said...

I work for a Dutch company. it's always nice when a guy thanks from the bottom of his heart. And also from his wife's bottom.

By the way, hello. Your bog is funny. Sorry mine isn't, but thanks for going by. I should add I just got a maroon sharpie mini with a keyring clip on the lid.

I can die now.

Daniel said...

And evidently, I don't proofread...

Your blog is funny. Blog. My bog, however, is funny.

I want to die now.

adriana said...

I can't believe those were actually on sites!!!

shine said...

Organic Meatbag: Been there, done that, laughed my ass off at the results. Clearly that's what happened to the first people up there.

Antelope: I don't think that's in the instructions for "proper use," so they're covered. Maybe they should explicitly state it, though.

Jeff: Outcome?

rs27: The first of many times, hooker.

Jay Ferris: Check your email. I just sent him yours instead. I'm so glad we're smarter than that.

Phronk: Maybe. I don't want to talk about it.

amindinmotown: No. No one proofreads. It makes me crazy.

Daniel: I have the same in orange. It's my life.

Daniel: No need to die of death.

adriana: Doesn't it make you want to cry a little?

Travis said...

Saw a Facebook sticker the other day...

How to Kiss a Girl:
Grab her wrists tightly,
Wrap your arms around her waste,
and somethin else, but geez. I stopped reading there. Not only do guys have to have 4 arms to properly kiss a girl, but we have to wrap our arms around your poo...