17 February 2009


There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who fight for what they want, and those who don't. I'm of the fighting variety.

As a general rule, if I want something, I fight for it. I don't run away in the face of adversity. I hate not understanding things. I hate being misunderstood.

Right now, instead of knowing what I want and fighting for it, I have no idea what I want. I have no idea where my life is headed. I know who I am and I know what kind of person I want to be, but I don't know where I'm going.

My life has been something of a roller coaster lately. Frankly, I'm not really handling it all that well. I've been betrayed by the person who was supposed to love and care about me the most. I've found out some shocking news...twice.

I don't know how I'm supposed to trust anyone again. Mostly myself. If I made such a horrible error in judgment about the person I loved, how do I avoid doing it again? How do I stay true to myself and what I want and not become a bitter, jaded, cynical person?

Being in a relationship with a bitter, controlling, immature alcoholic taught me a lot. Mostly, that I don't want to be with anyone like that ever again. He was so good at lying to himself that it didn't matter that he wasn't lying to me...there was no truth in the relationship at all.

He's spending all this time and energy to make me out to be the bad guy so he doesn't have to feel guilty for hurting me so much. So that he can cope with turning his back on me when I needed him. So that he can deal with the fact that his last action (really more inaction than anything) was the most hurtful thing he could have done.

And, as usual, I'm the one who has to deal with the fallout. He just wants to go on like nothing ever happened, like he didn't even know me, much less love and care about me. Which hurts so much. Especially given that he promised me that he could never do this. And he promised me that he would always be there for me.

What does that even mean at this point? I'm big on saying what I mean, and not saying what I don't mean. It seems, though, that not all people function this way. It seems that love doesn't mean love. Love, you're all right for now.