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24 November 2008

We need to talk...

It's about your coffee breath. 

I realize that coffee is yummy.  I realize it's a morning staple.  I like it, too.



In fact, I have nothing against coffee.  Just your breath.  When you drink coffee all day, guess what - your breath smells.  Bad.  Like stench of a rotting hooker in a car trunk in July bad.

I think it's unfair of you to use your morning (and mid-morning and late-morning and early-afternoon...) coffee as a weapon.  It invades my senses, climbing forcefully up my nostrils until it's the only thing I can smell.  I'd actually rather inhale the fumes from the dead hooker.  At least I could walk away from that.

Instead, I just have to sit patiently while you breathe in my face, clouding all my beautiful smell-free oxygen with your stale coffee stank.  It feels like I'm trapped in a space with only carbon-dioxide.  I have nothing to breathe.  I've tried breathing through my mouth, but then I can taste that stank on my tongue.  Then  I'll have coffee breath like you.

Have you ever even heard of gum?  Breath mints?  Toothpaste?

It's time to fight fire with fire.  As of today, I will be drinking all the coffee.  I will breathe my coffee breath in your face as often as possible all day long.  I'm going on the offensive to try to take my oxygen back.

By the way, none of this would happen if you could, in any way, respect my personal space.  Just thought I should mention that little nugget of truth. 

5 comments:

Killer B said...

HAHAHAHA!!! This is a fight that neither of you are going win, and everyone around you is going to sorely regret, I think... :D

It was a vivid description, mind you! If you can peel yourself off the ceiling after all the coffee you drink and are able write about how this turned out, I'd love to hear the end of this.

meshealle said...

I just...couldn't do it. I hate stale coffee breath. I had to chew some gum.

I'm a failure.

Killer B said...

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Chemical warfare is an ugly business and you can take solace in the fact that you were the better person. :D

harx said...
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meshealle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.