Cool Down

This is taken from a thing I wrote from this website where I used to write (awesome sentence, I know). We were all tasked with coming up with our own way to end global warming. Take notes, it's a good one!

Global warming. What a bitch, huh? Some people believe in it, some people don’t. Some people just don’t care. Lots of people think it doesn’t matter because God will take care of them. I think it’s something we all need to be more aware of. Personally, I don’t plan on having any kids, and I don’t think we can destroy the planet before I die, so I’m not all that worried. But the rest of you guys who will have children and grandchildren running around…well, I would be concerned, if I were you.

So what’s the solution? I’m sure there are many. Scientists have been looking at the problem for years. I mean, that’s why we’re not allowed to use aerosol hairspray, right? My Nana went through serious withdrawals without her Aquanet, by the way. I don’t know why we always have to punish the old folks with our new scientific discoveries.

Well, when I started thinking about how I would solve the global warming problem, an episode of Mythbusters came to mind. I love that show. It’s really entertaining, even if sometimes the science is a little fuzzy. Anyway, there was an episode where they determined the fastest way to cool down a six-pack of beer. Presumably so that if you were out somewhere and hadn’t thought to ice down your beer, you could get it done in a hurry. I would recommend just remembering to ice down your beer.

They tried a lot of different ways, but the winner was to spray the beers down with a fire extinguisher. Now, I don’t know how often you have a fire extinguisher with you at a tail-gating party, or wherever you need cold beer, but I usually don’t keep one in my car. Maybe I should…

So how would I solve the global warming problem? I think I would commission the building of a special satellite device. It would have to hold millions of gallons of carbon-dioxide foam. While orbiting the earth, the satellite device would continually spray down our planet.

The atmosphere will likely be a problem. I’m thinking the foam would have to travel down to earth is some kind of laser beam with atmosphere penetrating qualities, but hopefully one that won’t destroy all our houses and buildings and stuff. That would really suck. All in the name of science, though. Sacrifices must be made. I don’t know if such a thing exists, but I think we could make it happen.

The satellite would have to start at the North Pole and work its way down and around the planet in circles. I don’t know how fast these things move, but it needs to move slow enough to really coat the ground with foam. We’ll develop a schedule, so that when the foam is supposed to be hitting your area, you’ll be inside. We would hate for everyone to get covered in foam, right?

The only trouble I can see thus far are certain groups of people who have no inside. But they’re tough. I bet they can handle a little carbon-dioxide. Just hold your breath and close your eyes. The fire-extinguisher cool-down will probably take a few months, maybe even a whole year. But hey, if it can cool down a six-pack of beer in record time, why not our planet?

My other suggestion would be to put in pipelines all over the earth, but just for ice. Not gas or oil or Cheez Whiz, like usual. They’re doing amazing things with directional boring these days. Apparently, they bored all the way across the Mississippi River about 50 feet down or so. The river’s a mile wide in that area, and they came up on the other side within inches of the target.

They could just send those little boring machines all over the earth, boring holes and installing pipelines for ice. That should cool us down. And we’ll have to build lots and lots of giant ice-making factories, thereby creating lots and lots of jobs. The refilling process could be pretty time consuming.

Maybe it would be smarter to just get Santa’s elves to replace the ice on the polar ice caps?