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05 November 2009

The Rules for Dating Shine

First of all, before you say anything, this blog is about ME, okay? Just so we're clear.

And yes, if you want to know how awesome I am, you can just ask me.

So for future (or possibly current) reference (I'm looking at you, Princess), these are the Top Ten Rules for Dating Shine (as of today, who knows what tomorrow will bring?):

1. Do what you say you're going to do. There are no exceptions to this rule. (Okay, probably if you call AHEAD OF TIME with a good reason for why you can't do the thing you said you'd do, I'll let it slide. Once or twice.)

2. Do not cling to me like Leo after the Titanic sank. I will let go. This means you should have your own life/friends/hobbies.

3. You MUST want to make the sexy time play cards. Often. Death and disability are no excuse. What?

4. If you listen to Nickelback or Creed (even on accident), you should probably get out of my face before I punch you in the vagina.

5. I can pay for myself, open my own doors, and I do NOT need you to protect me. But all of those things can be nice, in their place.

6. Be a man. A real one.


  • I don't need to hear about every single one of your feelings. Talk to your therapist/best friend/dog about the trivial stuff.
  • Find it on your own. You can look up directions as easily as I can.
  • Have manners. If your mama didn't teach them to you, please buy a book or something.


7. I'm funny. Acknowledge.

8. If you wear a class ring, you need not apply.

9. The L-word is not a salutation. Use it as such, and it means nothing.

10. I like cake. Feed it to me.

These are really in no particular order, except the first. It's kind of like that rule about Fight Club. Break it, and the rest of the shiz doesn't matter.

22 comments:

That Kind of Girl said...

Amen, dude. A-friggin'-men. Although I would supplement your manners clause with the reminder: "If I ever hear you chewing with your mouth open, I will take it as a sign that you have obviously given up women for all of eternity, you disgusting slob."

carissajaded said...

I would agree with all of these, (particularly the Nickelback reference-see my last post) but I would have to add "talk to me like I am a woman." my last boyfriend would leave messages that started "hey dog," or "Yo playa" and that got old veryyy quickly.

NatalieCottrell said...

A-men!

Just A Girl said...

Ooh I'm with Carissajaded - I dated a guy who used to refer to me as "dude" - not once, but like, EVERY TIME WE TALKED. It was weird.

Also, I don't even talk about MY feelings. I have a really difficult time maintaining interest in a feelings-based conversation for more than abouuuut 10 minutes.

Alice said...

this post is BRILLIANCE. i am 100% on board. i would also like to add, after reading this alarming article yesterday, "please do not be a metrotextual:" http://www.nationalpost.com/m/story.html?id=2178814&s=Life

Gofahne said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this even though (through multiple bish sessions) I already knew most of these. But I think I'm going to start handing this out to all potential dates. ESPECIALLY #1 and the fight club disclaimer. Perfection as always!

flipflops said...

I heart number 10. And now I'm hungry. DAMMIT!

Margaret Benbow said...

Shine, is this really for future reference or did you break up with that fine guy who took you to the great restaurant? Dang, we really LIKED him!

Ed Adams said...

Sounds like a good list.

Although, #6 conflicts with #5, in my book.

M said...

Mmmm...cake.

repliderium.com said...

yeahyeahyeahyeah

Rolla said...

FIRST RULE. YES.

f.B said...

re: #3.. anyone who doesn't want to play War, Spades or Spit (Slam or Speed; whatever they call it now) must go. agreed.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

But if you punch me in the vagina how can I ever love you?

Graygrrrl said...

Okay, I've been scratching my head trying to figure out what the "L-word" was... Lady? That TV show about lesbians? Loser? (That last one is clearly directed at me).
LOVE the post!!

Meg Kathleen said...

Is there anybody out there that does listen to Nickelback or Creed? Tell me no even if it's not true because I don't want to live in a world where people listen to that shit.

Pearl said...

Can we add something about mouth-breathers and guys who wear their pants under their asses?

Pearl

Zan said...

Did someone say cake?

Anonymous said...

Just one thought...Rule #6 requests "a man, a real one". Would you agree that calling him Princess is probably not the best nickname?

Jenny said...

Door-opening isn't really about chivalry or oh look you weak and feeble woman, it's more that if there are rules about who opens doors for whom you don't end up with a doorway-based gridlock of two.

Although that sounds kind of fun.

Personally I love having drinks and dinner bought for me, it's lovely. But I'm so fucking poor I would starve and be permanently sober otherwise. Courtesy has its place, I think - it's not about emasculating women, it's about acknowledging that they're not necessarily as strong as men, and that men don't wear heels, and that there is still a massive glass ceiling wrt salaries. Also it's a bit of an ego-massage for a man to behave like that and to be seen to do so, and it's a literal, easy way for our emotionally-retarded menfolk to show respect and liking for someone. And hell, I like the power it gives me...!

Jay Ferris said...

Good list of rules here, although (other than the no Creed policy) you kind of left yourself open for Jesus freaks. Maybe a "must be able to keep pace for the night's first 10 drinks" rule?

Online Printing said...

Love the third rule, so funny! :D
Good to know that you're not like some other girls who like their relationship to be all about her... Poor guy don't have time for his friends or even himself.