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02 October 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Scooters, Mopeds, Vespas, Motorcycles and pretty much all other forms of two-wheeled transportation.

Beckbee, Mike, HoHo, Big Gulp, Mouthful, and everyone else: I'm sorry, but...

I HATE TWO-WHEELED VEHICLES.

All of them.

Bicyclists? You're in my damn way. While I (generally) appreciate your spandex-clad physique, riding your bike in front of me on a two-lane road, so that I can't pass you because you "have a right to be there"? Is going to make me want to run you over. I can't blame all of this on you. Dallas? Please make some bike lanes so that these damn bikers can GET OFF MY ROAD.

Scooterers, Mopeders, Vespa-ists whatever you want to call yourselves, you're seriously pissing me off. Does your vehicle really need an entire parking space? In case you're considering the answer, it's no. It just doesn't. So when I get home at midnight and I have to park 37 miles from my apartment because I passed a dozen of you bastards in perfectly good, full-sized parking spaces, I kind of want to put a hole in your tires. Motorcyclists, you're in this category, too, but I have a separate bone to pick with you. Again, I can't blame this all on you, I suppose. But there are other choices of parking spaces, and I've come to notice that none of your two-wheeled vehicles ever actually move. If you don't even drive them, must you take up my parking spaces with them? Again, the answer is no.

Ah, motorcyclists. You might be the sexiest of all the characters lumped into this post. Not that you are actually sexy. But your motorcycle probably is. Here's the thing: You're an asshole. I'm almost positive of it. Yes, I'm making a generalization because surely all motorcyclists can't be assholes, but, well, I've never experienced that on the road. I know that your vehicle was built for speed and is actually more stable traveling at a faster pace. So maybe don't ride your motorcycle in traffic? Weaving in and out of lanes, cutting people off, and other general douchebaggery makes all of us four-wheeled vehicle drivers a little miffed. Stop acting like a jackass and follow the rules like the rest of us.

So I'm done with all of you. Pedestrians? Watch out. I might be coming for you next.

13 comments:

renee said...

I blame this Dallas for this. I love riding my bike, and I can't wait to own a motorcycle...but it's just not feasable when living in DFW. Now, any other city ON THE PLANET has taken this into consideration. But no, not this place.

Jay Ferris said...

As punishment for this post, you are going to fall for a guy before finding out his hobbies include working on his Japanese crotch rocket and following the Tour de France.

M said...

Could not have said it better myself! Especially the motorcycles in traffic. It's like they have death wishes.

Beckbee said...

*****sigh*****
~~~~rolls eyes~~~~

You are just mad cause you don't know how to ride on two wheels.

;) OH SNAP!

Antje Spethmann said...

I might be in love with Jay Ferris. And, I'm going to pretend Shiney-poo wrote this whilst feverish, with brain boiling...
Shine... what Jay and Becky said.

moooooog35 said...

I own a motorcycle.

It's a Harley.

I don't weave.

I'm an amazing specimen to behold.

But you knew that already.

FilmFemme said...

Sexy: Motorcycles
Not-sexy: Riding on the back of one and getting hit by a car on your second date. Ow. Ow. Ow. (still ow).

Phronk said...

Maybe cars should GET OFF MY ROAD. Eh? EH?

I thought it was always warm in Dallas. Can't you all just ride bikes year round, shrink all your parking spaces, and live in a beautiful pollution-free forest wonderland?

Graygrrrl said...

Can't we all just get along? Come on bikes, move over for a sec. I know you're enjoying your leisurely day away from work, but I've got somewhere to be at 9 AM. Can we add joggers, speed walkers, and the like to this list? I don't care that you're participating in the annual Turkey Trot. Do you have to block my driveway and then get mad when I try to leave my house? I don't come to your house and stand around your driveway. beat it!

Ed Adams said...

It's mainly just the guys on crotch rockets that piss me off.

Mega8815 said...

LMAO!!! Great post!
I'm not a big fan of them either. Over in South Africa the previously disadvantaged think they own the roads, so they just ride their bicycles in the MIDDLE of the road. Nice huh?

Good luck.

ohhayitskk said...

i HATE cyclist. the boyfriend says it's irrational, but it's not my fault they're always in the way and breaking the rules.

Margaret Benbow said...

Shine baby, I'm a bicyclist who's so considerate of drivers you would probably choose to tool along behind me just to savor the sight of my right-shoulder-hugging caution and my politeness even to the cowboy/asshat/drivers who shave by me as close as possible or tailgate my bike FOR FUN. Even most dogs know to stay in their yards, but these drivers often invade bike lanes just to prove to themselves that they own every inch of paved road. They're more shit-fer-brains stupid and dangerous than the most obnoxious bicyclist I know.