23 October 2009

It's Friday, we should break up - Pretty much everyone on any airplane, including you Mr. Turtleneck Sweater Airline Flight Attendant.

As you well know by now, M and I went to DC last weekend to celebrate in the love and festivities for our darling dears LiLu and Maxie.

As you also may have noted, we were grumpy bitches on our flight home. I had clearly caught whatever plague was floating around the party and M, well she was doing the major hangover dance. I was a little hungover myself, but mostly I was suffering from allergies (to CATS, Tony, not just elusive "allergies.") and plague.

And on both of our flights home we encountered...SCREAMING, WHINING, ANNOYING CHILDREN.

M actually likes kids. I don't. I mean, some kids are okay, but only the ones who are smart enough to act like grown-ups. These were not those kids.

In the row across from us, there was a little girl sitting on her mother's lap. Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, this child would let out a wail that nearly made my ears bleed.

Let's talk about this, airlines. Why oh why would you make it CHEAPER to fly with children by letting them sit in their parents' laps? You're killing me here. There should be a premium on seats for children. And they should have to have their own. The plane is crowded enough due to you trying to cut costs and therefore squeezing as many seats on every plane as you possibly can with no regard for how you're going to actually fit people into them.

So, new rule #1: Children should be required to have their own seats. And a seat for a child should cost more than a seat for a reasonably intelligent adult.

Next, in the row across and in front of us, there were two little girls, sitting on each side of their dad. One of them kept staring at us. The other pretty much screamed and wailed and whined and cried for the duration of the flight.

To which I have to say this: Parents? Get a fucking grip on your children. They're kids, so they're going to be bored on a plane. Bring some activities. Knock them out with some Benedryl. Gag them, if you have to. But do NOT let them disturb everyone on the plane. Take a road trip instead, please.

Just because you decided to have children doesn't mean I should suffer. Which leads us to rule #2: If your kids are obnoxious cretins, don't bring them on my plane. Or I will be forced to start performing retroactive abortions. (Hey, it's not murder! It's retroactive abortion! Yes, I'm offensive.)

Rule #3 should really be "STOP HAVING KIDS!" But I know that's not going to happen, so I'll just leave it at two rules for now.

And to everyone else on the plane: really, stop being ridiculous. You know you can only bring one carry-on bag and one personal bag. You know you can put one of those in the overhead bin and one under your seat. You know that if you're sitting in the back, it's stupid and a pain in the ass for you to fill up the overhead storage in the front. You know that if you're already in your seat you should wait until everyone is seated before getting up, blocking the aisle, to get your book out of your carry-on bag. You know that I'm going to curse at you if you get in my way doing any of these things.

Flight attendants in turtleneck sweaters are just assholes, as far as I can tell.

That is all.


GingerMandy said...

sometimes i actually feel bad for people on planes who have kids, because i can imagine there is not much they can do... kids will be kids and kids are annoying as fuck. i think i'd give my kid a sedative before bringing it on a plane to avoid all of that. yes, i'd drug it. there has to be SOMETHING on the market to knock those bitches out for a 4 hour flight.

M said...

I like kids as a general rule, but only when I am in charge of thema nd can make them behave when they do not.

Flying is just a bitch. We should make everyone come to us from this point forward.

justjp said...

I agree 100%! Eff da kiddies. Not really though, cause that is just wrong and you may get a visit from Chris Hanson.

Anonymous said...

Parents should be better prepared when they're taking their kids on trips. Have snacks and games for them. Hell, break out the DS & PSP that you let them play on for hours to have "adult time" back at home.

Matt said...

Duct tape across their mouth would shut those little bastards up.

and you cant tell me they didnt have duct tape on that airplane.

LiLu said...

Children should only be allowed in enclosed spaces if they're in a sound proof bubble.

Also, someone needs to invent those.

Alice said...

i don't mind AS much when a kid is crying and being a little shit if the parents are actually TRYING to shut them up / entertain them, and it's not working. like, ok, i understand kids can be little shits, and you can't control when.

but OH MY FUCKING GOD when the kid is just sitting there WAILING and the parent is, like, reading a book? or has earphones in, watching the movie? I WILL MURDER YOUR CHILD, MA'AM. AND THEN I WILL MURDER YOU FOR BEING SUCH AN ASSWIPE. thank you.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Listen. If one overweight person has to pay extra for two seats, TWO people - an adult & a child - should certainly have to pay for two. Also, I hate kids.

The Insatiable Host said...

I am a mother of 3 kids under 5. I rarely go out in public without real adult supervision (I dont count myself as an adult yet because school moms and soccer moms freak the shit outta me). I think that kids in public should be seen but not heard...I dont think anyone else needs to listen to another mother freak out in public either....really mothers and fathers who are reading's YOUR fault your kids are acting this way..stop being a twat and teach your kids how to act in public - if you can't do fail and have to give your kids away.

i totally agree with you, I also think that there should be a family airline. This way everyone knows what you are getting...or in first class its just kids all passed out in their seats while being strapped down..i mean seatbelted with IV's of benadryl, gravol or whatever knocks em out and in the regular seats it's parents enjoying conversation with other parents...this is a mega million dollar business here folk, and I want royalties!!

Great blog thanks for the reads - can't wait to read some more!!

Anonymous said...

Haaaa I love this so much. Mainly because I know how crappy you were both feeling when I dropped you off at the airport and I am just imagining being there for this flight home.

Nanodance said...

I love kids but they can be difficult to take on a plane trip. Very funny post. Glad I stopped by.

Margaret Benbow said...

I'm a parent, and I totally agree that parents should be making an attempt to keep their children quiet and comfortable on flights. But the fact is that kids love their routines--especially the toddlers-- and a flight is a big change. In many cases the parent could be doing handstands, or bring a dog-and-pony show on board, and the child would STILL cry.
I do love the idea of "family flights" and wish some airline would work it out.

f.B said...

Or stowed away, with the cargo. On Southwest, they don't charge you for bags. So maybe, if you put the kids in suitcases, they can fly for free!

Jay Ferris said...

Maybe someone should start a parents/kids only airline. It could be called "Air Hell" or something equally appropriate.

kkwall said...

Guess I'm the only commenter who actually knew you when you were a kid. You should be glad.

Tony said...

I used to see those parents and think "It's not the kids fault. It's the parent. Someone should beat the hell out of that parent for being so shitty at it." Then I realized that the parent wouldn't understand that, as they are little more than a child themselves. So I've decided (and I know this might be a little controversial, but bare with me) We're gonna have to beat the children in front of the parents to show them how it's don. It might just be the only responsible thing to do.